Just Tell Me

It’s been a month since your nasty seizure episode.  In that time, we started Keppra, weaned from Keppra, sent out a test for Celiac and a few other sensitivities, and have started chiropractic care.  Thus far, we are seizure free.  Thus far, I am seeing positive changes in your overall attitude and responses to your world.  Thus far, I feel good about our decision to take you off the medication that removed your sense of self preservation and made you react as though every tiny thing that did not go your way was the end of the world.  Thus far, we are still holding out hope that it is either Celiac disease causing the seizures and therefore, removing gluten will keep you seizure free, or that this is a form of epilepsy you will outgrow with no lingering ill-effects.

I’m not the praying type…  But if I were, I would be spending just about every damn second on my knees, praying more than an answer than anything.  It’s the indefinite I struggle with.  Just tell me it’s Celiac.  Just tell me she will never outgrow it.  Just tell me.

Reason #12154 why I hate Celiac Disease

I guess Celiac Disease is one of those things that we only have a basic understanding about.  When you couple it with breastfeeding, we know even less…  Great!

Yesterday was a super bad day.  I spent all of 2 hours at home.  The majority of the day was spent in a waiting room.  We finally got T-Rex tested for CD, but it took that long to do it.  Ridiculous.  I didn't appreciate the stares people kept giving us – you see that he's s toddler in a very non-child friendly waiting room.  You see that we've been sitting there longer than anyone.  Would you like to try to make him sit still and be quiet?  Bite me!

So anyway, that led to a gluten-day.  I have been dying for some gluten anyway, but with the stress, it just made me cave and I gave in.  I indulged.  A lot.  This morning I didn't feel too bad, so I decided to do it again.  I know it's dumb.  I know it starts an auto-immune response in my body that could not only make my stomach hurt, but give me a fever, chills, cold sweats, hot flashes, and never mind the damage it can do on a cellular level.  I get that.  I really do.  It's just that it's hard to care when I feel like my family would benefit from my insurance pay off if I were to kick the bucket.  Srsly…

Baby Kili’s First Photos

*Day 76: I am so grateful for such an amazing family.  I can’t even begin to describe how incredible they all are. 

She’s here!!!

She's here!!!  How odd that just after I accept that she will come on her own terms…  THERE SHE IS!!!  Friggin' awesome…

Baby Kili

April 27, 2009

11:14 PM

7 pounds, 12.5 ounces

19" long

*Day 71: I am grateful for a safe, though very intense birth. 

Waiting for G-d

When I was in high school, I read Waiting for Godot.  Back then, I understood it, but only on a very superficial level.  With all the recent "waiting but not waiting," it has struck me that waiting for a baby to be born is a lot like waiting for G-d.  I don't mean to be blasphemous or anything.  I mean, I'm not trying to insinuate that my child is G-d or G-dlike in any way.  It just seems… odd to me.  Most of my life I can recall waiting for G-d to intervene and save me somehow.  Looking back, I think G-d did step in, though not in the way I was waiting or hoping for.  Because it wasn't what I was expecting, I took it that G-d didn't show.  The more I waited and hoped, the less satisfied I was.  The more I wait and hope for this baby, the more irritated and anxious I become…  And then, as I sat, bouncing energetically on the ball, having a little "pep talk" with Kili, it struck me that babies, like G-d will come into our lives when they are good and ready and not a moment sooner…  And often, not at all in the ways we'd anticipated or hoped for…  But it doesn't make the entrance any less profound or meaningful if we able to recognize it for what it is…  Even if it takes a few years…

So darling daughter, while we will attempt to coerce you tomorrow, should you decide to wait a bit longer, I will do my best to patiently "not wait" and appreciate your debut however and whenever you choose to make it.  While I admit to beig very hopeful that tomorrow's actions bring about your birth, I will not give up if they don't.  I won't stop trying to make your path easier, but I will promise not to get so damned discouraged when what I perceive as encouragement does not yield the results I had hoped for.

*Day 70: I am grateful for the quiet time I am enjoying today thanks to DH.  Love you, babe!

Don’t Ask…

Had my 38 week visit today…  Had membranes stripped again, but don't expect ANYTHING to come of it after the rest of the visit.  3-4 cm's dilated, 75% effaced, still contracting regularly, but no baby.  Still showing large leukocytes in urine, but no sign of infection from the lab work, so hey! there's something positive.  Blood pressure 116 / 75 – HIGH for me, which is usually about 80/50, no lie.  Could it be stress?  I fucking wonder…   

Understand I can't stay pregnant forever, but damned if I don't feel like it.  Hurting.  A lot.  Very sleep deprived.  Was told wine is acceptable…  Was also re-told to take Ambien already prescribed, though not necessarily with the wine. 

So tired of hour after hour of contractions that do nothing.  Going on an hour of 3-minute apart contractions AGAIN.  Waiting for Ambien to kick in and knock my ass out.  So ready to just have a baby!  Grateful for the process, but ready to complete the process, too.

*Day 67: I am grateful for a husband who tries so hard to make me feel better even when I am really just insisting on my own misery and thwarting his very well-intended, sweet efforts.  Must remember to do something really nice for him when all this sh*t is over with…

Here we go…

• Now that the boys are home, I have very little time.
• I've been working a lot on things over here and hoping to not only increase our traffic, but actually give people someting worth reading once they make it over there.
• I'm totally ready for this little debutante to make her debut.  I feel huge and gross all the time, and where gaining weight may have been an issue before, it certainly isn't now!
• I swore I'd flip my damn lid if I got any new stretch marks and the way this child is going, I'll be committed by the time she does decide to come out.
• It's lovely having the boys home, but I am totally enjoying nap time…  I'd be enjoying it more if I could also indulge in a nap, but you know that Newton's Law or whatever it is that says, "As soon as Mommy falls asleep, it's time to wake up!"
• Mega kicked my butt in Wii bowling, but was a very gracious winner today.  He's such a treat to be around, even when he's grittin' on me for the time we've lost together the past few weeks.
• Oh yeah, he's pissed.  He's been all piss and vinegar towards me, but sweetness and light for DH.  I think he's starting to get over it, but I'm not quite ready to hold my breath on that one.
• I can't stop thinking about LRRH – she got laid off last Friday, and I really hope she finds something PRONTO because I know she has enough on her plate right now and it's stressing her out…
• I also can't stop thinking about an upcoming wedding in May.  Well, two, but I know I can't be at one.  I still have to find someone to watch the boys, and I'm pretty sure I've exhausted our options, short of asking some stranger.  Yipes!
• The wedding I can't go to – you should SEE the shoes I was supposed to be wearing the day of.  HOT!  Once my ankles aren't so chubby, I'll have to remember to post a picture.  I've always had pretty decent legs for a chubby girl, but with the recent burst of activity, they're a little puffy these days.
• I'm tired of being gluten-free.  I found some yummy graham crackers, but when DH and I tried to make s'mores last night, they totally fell apart and I had to make 3 mini s'mores for every one of DH's normal sized ones.  Indulgences aren't supposed to be that damn time consuming, I tell you!
• I haven't even gotten dressed today.
• T-Rex has seasonal allergies like me and he's miserable, and therefore, all over me.  He's been sitting in what little is left of my lap (while constantly digging his elbows into his sister's back trying to scoot back and make more room for his butt) more or less all day with the exception of lunch and nap time.
• It's nice and all, but I have 3 very angry looking spots where he kept diggin' his elbows in, and I tell you, my skin is sensitive enough as it tries to stretch even more to cover this chubby, stubborn little monkey.
• Pictures to come – we did an egg hunt yesterday in the backyard for the boys.  Good times!
• Out of time: I think T-Rex is awake after only 45 minutes of sleep.  Pray for us all!

*Day 64: I am grateful for an understanding chiropractor who doesn't charge me when I have to cancel my appointment at the last minute because my kids' noses won't stop running long enough for me to even pull a clean shirt over their heads.  Whew!

Superb!

     The ultrasound appointment went well today.  Kili is quite a chunky baby by the looks of her, and assuming the ultrasound tech and the midwife are right – both are placing her around 6 and a half pounds.  If that's true, I *really* hope she decides to make her debut this week.  I think I've mentioned that T-rex was HUGE compared to his brother and at 39 weeks' gestation, he was 6 pounds, 10 ounces.  He was a 2.5 hour struggle, compared to his brother's 45 minutes of hard work.  I'd rather not have anything larger than T-Rex even attempt to navigate this narrow pelvis, but I will trust Kili to know how big is too big…  Seriously, I will.  I will let go of my anxiety (HA!) and just sit back, relax, and trust…  *sigh* 

    Also, she is still a she (as evidenced by the above paragraph) and she has oodles of hair – so much that we could see it on the ultrasound.  Quite charming.  I was certain that after having two boys born with full heads of luscious blonde hair, my daughter would surely be born bald.  She has foiled us again, the little Diva in the Making.  🙂

     Not much progress on my end – 2 cm's instead of 1, and still 75% effaced.  I can live with that, but I wish to The Force she would either just chill out entirely and let me have a few days without contractions, or just commit and get real labor going.  I am sooo very tired.  I mean, both boys only caused 5 and 6 hours TOTAL of contractions.  She gives me at least 2 hours a day, and wakes me up several times per night, in addition to potty wakings!  Wednesday night, I had FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS of contractions that were 3-5 minutes apart!  I'm exhausted! 

So, beloved child…  PLEASE get out make up your mind…  NOW.

     On a totally kick ass note…  The boys are coming home tomorrow!  36 weeks was supposed to be the start of modified bed rest (meaning several hours per day I could engage in LIGHT activity that took place out of bed or off the couch) but after relaying my frustration to the midwife today, she gave me the go-ahead to go full throttle and see what happens!  So we're picking the boys up and walking around a gorgeous park tomorrow…  Unless, of course, Kili decides to commit to birth tonight or tomorrow morning…  Which would be FABULOUS…  But I digress.  I am sooo very excited about my babies coming home.  While I am sure it will add to my physical exhaustion, my stress, anxiety, and overall tension level will drop off and that's totally worth it.  Again, it's not that I think they're in a bad place, but they need their routine and their home and (hopefully, still) their Mommy and Daddy and we need them.  As lovely as the break has been, I am out of sorts without my children around and we've missed them terribly.  I cannot wait to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them!

     So yeah for a day full of good news!  Woot woot!

*Day 62: I am so grateful for all the love, help, and support we've recieved while trying to give our daughter more time to develop.

Unnatural

It's completely unnatural for me to be away from my children.  I can't stand it.  It was hard enough, but now T-Rex is apparently having trouble with it, too.  I got an E-mail from my mom this morning and it just made me weep for my baby…

Okay, something has to change. The current arrangement appears to be too stressful for T-Rex. I expected Monday to be rough, but it's still rough. He started hitting me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to be here. He did the same thing with (the babysitter) Monday and today. Obviously, he is being well taken care of here, so that's not the problem. I think it's just too much change for him. He can't get adjusted. He's not sick. He's not overstimulated. He has stuff to do. He's sleeping and eating well. He's just being very defiant, crying a lot, and being just unhappy.

 

I miss them, and I can deal with that.  The first week, they seemed perfectly fine, content to spend time with their Mammy and not think twice about Mommy and Daddy, with a few exceptions.  I can't bear the idea that he's just that miserable because I'm not there for him.  When he was home this weekend, we probably spent maybe 30 waking minutes not touching each other.  There's nothing Oedipal about it, he's just very tactile and physically affectionate.  As much as it normally over-stimulates me, it was a welcome change from being home all week without him and his brother.  Even Mega Man was very generous with his affection and touch, and he's typically very hands-off!  When they left to go back, Mega seemed fine.  He was excited about it!  T-Rex, on the other hand, started crying, "Get in the car, Mommy!  Don't leave, Daddy!" as DH started to back out of the driveway…  It broke my heart, but I figured once they got there, he'd be okay…

 

For now, the tentative plan is for US to drive out there and spend weekends out there, rather than bringing them home.  For one, it's less travel for the boys.  It's about 2.5 to 3 hours one way, so 5 to 6 hours in the car Friday night, and then again Sunday evening is A LOT for the little dudes.  For two, it's less gas money.  DH has gone back to his normal work station, and it's 40+/- one way, so in addition to the drive, we're being slaughtered by fuel costs.  For three, it's less change in the routine. Whatever my mom has in place when we get there will be what we honor through the weekend.  We're hoping that by removing the travel and routine-upset, T-Rex will be better able to cope…  I just hate that I'm his Mommy, and therefore, the one who should fix it, but I'm the problem right now.  If it doesn't get better, I'm going to go against my better judgement and bring them home and if Kili comes early, she comes early.  How can I sacrifice one for the other?  After all, maybe she was trying to tell us then that she was ready… 

 

I miss those boys so very much…  I wish we were rich enough to afford a private nanny for them during the day so I could still be near them.  The house is so quiet and the sound of the fish tank used to soothe me, but now it just annoys the hell out of me because it's the only sound I hear…  I miss hearing them laugh, or even argue.  I miss telling them that they had to share, or take turns, or that, no, they would not be having a snack because they didn't finish their lunches.  I miss Mega's quick wit and ability to ask me a question that catches me off guard, even if it's about something simple like where the snail goes when the shell is empty.  I miss T-Rex's little arms suffocating me in my sleep, his crazy giggle and fearlessness.  It's just not natural to be apart…

 

*Day 60: Today, it was very hard for me to find something to be grateful for.  BUT!  I am trying to be more like my husband and see that every raincloud, no matter how leaden, has a silver lining.  SO!  I am grateful that, even though I can't be with them, my boys have somewhere safe to go during this time, and that I know they're safe and well cared for.  I am grateful that  my mom has been so willing to sacrifice her normal life to provide for them and make it easier for me to make it to 37 weeks and hopefully, give my boys a healthy sister. 

34 weeks and counting…

Today was my 34-ish week appointment.  Things aren't better, but they aren't worse.  She's still hanging out at +1 (right around the ischial spines of the pelvis), I'm still 1-2 cm's dilated, and 70% effaced.  So, no progress, but she didn't exactly get up off my cervix or out of my pelvis, either.  We did the GBS test today, so that if I go as early as we're all sort of thinking, I won't have to make the decision to have antibiotics without knowing whether or not I have the infection.  With both boys, I was negative, so let's hope we're still on that course.  Baby's heart sounds great and my blood pressure is still good, so aside from the possibility of pre-term labor, we're all good.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday, the 3rd of April to check her weight, but the midwife thinks she's a good size – she guessed around 5 and a half pounds after palpating today.  If that's the case and Kili does make it to term, she'll most likely be bigger than either of her brothers!  Mega was born at 5 pounds, 6 ounces, and T-Rex was 6 pounds, 10 ounces.  I'm hoping she'll stay under T-Rex's weight – I know I can do that!  I totally believe I can handle whatever nature gives me, but I'm still nervous after all the work it took to get T-Rex out.  Mega was 45 minutes of concerted effort and a threatened C-section for decels and cord relationship, but T-Rex was almost 3 hours and another threatended C-section for the same issues.  While neither was exactly EASY to deliver, Mega was definitely less trouble than T-Rex!  I'd prefer not to have to try to manuever 7+ pounds out of this pelvis!

Anyway, that's where we're at.  I'm still on bed rest – I still contract for about 2-3 hours per day, and they're usually 3-5 minutes apart, and no, they're not Braxton-Hicks.  THOSE contractions don't make me stop and go…  "Ooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww-eeeeeeeeeee," or make me sub-consciously hold my breath and/or stop talking.  I can sleep through BH, but these b*tches wake me up and demand that I pay attention!  I wouldn't be worried about BH contractions, anyway.  I used to think I was a total wuss, but seriously, after days of this crap, I really think I might be tougher than I thought.  Sure, needles still make me cringe, and sometimes IV's make me cry, but IV's aren't fun.  I don't get a baby after an IV.  At least contractions (usually) produce something unbelievably cool!  Still, I am ready for them to stop.  They're tiresome.  If I'm going to have to deal with them, I want the baby that usually comes with them, too!  But if I had to choose between 2-3 hours of wicked contractions every day and having a healthier baby born in the birth center, or no more contractions and a baby who is probably going to spend time in the NICU after being born in L&D, I'll take the nasty contractions.  🙂

Stay put, Kili!  April 10th or any day after that, chickie!  STAY PUT!!! 

*Day 59: I am grateful for books and television.  I'd seriously be going insane without the diversions they provide while I am on bedrest!