Category: Manic


We totally went in and stuck to our guns.  For that, I am very proud of us.  I have never been good at avoiding temptation and true to form, I took the 2007 V-8 4×4 Dodge Durango home last night for a 24-hour test drive, though I knew we were heavily leaning toward a negative vote on keeping it.  After researching what it would do to our insurance (a monthly increase in cost of $28.00 with the same coverage criteria), what our interest was roughly sitting at (because thanks to the Patriot Act, they can't tell you until you're signing), and what they were giving us for our trade-in (about $7,000.00), we just couldn't do it.  After purchasing the extended warranty and gap coverage (which was NOT an option considering we were adding $8700 in negative equity to our loan after our trade-in!), we would essentially be taking on the same loan we did 2.5 years ago.  Our payments would be right at $409.00, which is only $20.00 less than what we're paying now.  While I am a conservative driver for the most part, and I don't go many places, I know that the V-8 engine alone would more than eat that $20.00 "savings" per month, and nevermind the increase in insurance.  Right now, if we continue to pay the little extra we have been, we'll have this loan paid off by November 2011, rather than April 2012 when it matures.  It sucks and we're nailed to the damn wall, but it's been working.  If I can't pay the extra one month, then it's no big deal.  But we were only willing to tighten down so much if we knew it meant we were saving on some of the interest in the long run.  If we take out this new 6 year loan, we won't be doing that any more and we'll just be tightening down because Miss Vanity doesn't think a mini-van at the tender age of 22 (now I'm 24) is cool…

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          While my head is very full at the moment, I can’t seem to get things out.  I am afraid to hurt people’s feelings, to let people see what I see, and it’s just nicer to keep it to myself at the moment.  It is also harder to deal with, but I don’t have to worry about people telling me I am over-reacting, that "things will work out," or that "it will all be okay."  On some level, I already know all those things.  Not to mention that’s what you’re supposed to say when things are sh*tty – that’s what everyone says, so don’t you think I already know that?

         

 

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          I have come to the conclusion that being manic depressive is a lot like being a toddler.  You would think that with this knowledge, or…  acceptance, I would be able to identify better with my toddler.  He’s a mini-me.  I usually take a few days, or a few weeks to have an overall mood shift, but it may be a manic/depressive/manic DAY.  Mega Man is no different, really…  Not at all.

      

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Bi-polar is a bad word in our culture. When my docs said I may fall into that category with my manic depression, I was devastated… But you know something? As hard as it is, I don’t really care what other people think. It’s not like it’s something we CHOOSE to have.  I didn’t wake up one morning and think, "You know, I think I’d like to make it harder for people to interact with me.  I think I’d like to be laughing one second and burst into tears the next.  I think I’d like to have a short fuse, even with my children, whom I love to bits.  While I’m at it, let’s throw in some mania and be tempted to run through our savings, rack up our credit cards, and book a vacation cruise for just me and DH – who cares where the boys go?"  My body is just differently wired and I have a different chemical balance. 

    

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