Category: Funny
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Your Personality Is Like Acid |
 A bit wacky, you’re very difficult to predict. One moment you’re in your own little happy universe… And the next, you’re on a bad trip to your own personal hell! At your best: You understand the world completely, and every ordinary experience is sublime. What people like about being around you: You say and do the craziest things. You’re very entertaining. What people dislike about being around you: You’re unpredictable. Your mood swings are quite intense. How addicted people get to you: They pretty much don’t get addicted to you. |
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house…
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.
Hot Breakfast $4.
Two Aspirins $0.
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS !
I’ve tried to teach my boys anatomically correct names for body parts. You will not hear us say, “Stop playing with your pee pee.” It’s not that I hold anything against parents like that, but for me, personally, proper names are easier and are more comfortable for me. What was I thinking?
I love my husband. He has a weird sense of humor sometimes, but most of the time, he's pretty good for a laugh.
I got this in an E-mail and just thought it was funny.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.
19 Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
see more crazy cat pics
I can think of a few people who need something like this to happen to them…
see more crazy cat pics
Bwa ha ha ha…
At the dinner table this evening…
Bear: "Noodles!"
Mommy: "Yes, Buddy."
Bear: "Noodles!"
Mommy: "Actually that’s chicken."
Bear: "Noodles!"
Mommy: "Sort of, but not quite. That’s corn."
Mega: "Chicken and porn?"
Mommy: *faints*
Seriously?! Chicken and porn? I tried to clarify that it was Kuh-Kuh-Kuh-CORN, and it took another 3 rounds. I think the second and third rounds he was just goofing off because he saw that saying, "Porn" distressed me. Little turd…
A Life {Extra}Ordinary 