Category: Dreams

No, thanks.

    What a horrible dream…  I just had a dream that we were having another baby.  We decided not to know the gender because we already have two boys and if you told me we were having another one, I might cry.  It would be better to be surprised than cry, right?  Right.  So we’re having another baby and things are going great – no morning sickness, no swelling, no nausea, and for once, I don’t blow up like a balloon as soon as I get a positive result. 

     Things are going great and then it comes time to deliver.  At the last second, they lose the baby’s heart and I just start gushing blood.  They do a last-second C-section, but it’s too late…  The doctor (who, incidentally was the doctor that they called when Bear was born because they thought he would have to be born surgically) just starts to weep and keeps saying, “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.” 

          DH starts to cry and I don’t even know what’s going on yet…  And then they bring me this tiny little baby who looks deep in sleep…  And then I realize the baby isn’t sleeping, but dead…  And before I can even cry, they take the baby away and start asking me all sorts of questions.  Do I want to bury, cremate, or just let the hospital take care of it?  Do I want a birth certificate?  Do I want a memorial service?  I’m just laying there, in a pool of blood while all of this is occurring and I finally just scream, “STOP!  Give me my baby, shut up, and get out!” 

          Everyone leaves and a nurse hands me the “sleeping” baby.  DH peeks over the blanket and touches the baby”s cheek…  He’s still crying, but quietly.  I unwrap the baby (and see, for the first time, that it’s a girl) and put her in the outfit we planned to bring her home in.  I snuggle her and DH gets into the bed (operating table) next to us).  The only aspect that seemed dream-like was all the blood – they never closed me up, so I’m still exposed on the table…  And I don’t bleed to death.  I just woke up crying…

       Maybe this is just a manifestation of my fear that we won’t have a daughter…  Or maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t try again…  For no, I’d like not to have any more of those dreams.  It’s been a while since I’ve had such a vivid, horrific dream, and I’d just like to have another good stretch without one…  Especially one like that…


Another rough night

          I wish I could say I was up with the boys all night.  At least I know how to deal with them, and then we’re all tired the next day.  When I am plagued by nightmares and restlessness, it’s not quite the same.

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          I prayed.

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     It’s a movie.  It begins like "Forrest Gump."  You see an overhead view of Sheldon and the houses I remember from childhood.  It begins to parallel the street curb and you see the front porch of 534.  Parked in front is my old Kia.  You can hear it coming from my car windows and then it picks up with the "movie" soundtrack.

     "She said I need you to hold me.  I’m a little far from the shore, and I’m afraid of sinkin’.  You’re the only one who knows me and who doesn’t ignore that my soul is weeping.  I know, I know, I know.  Part of me says let it go…"

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I need a sol’ja

        I guess I have always needed someone to fight for me.             

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Wicked Dreams

I thought I would sleep like a rock last night for a few reasons.  For one, we gave BabySan his very first taste of rice cereal last night.  For another, I took 2 Tylenol last night – something I think I have done twice before – once after each baby was born.  Also, I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I’m just worn the f*ck out…

Well, it would have been great except for the nightmares.  BabySan ate at 10 and didn’t get up until almost 3…  Granted, he didn’t go to sleep until just before midnight, but that’s better than it has been!  He got up to eat and went right back to sleep, which is also an improvement over the past month or two.  It was just the stupid dreams that ruined it all…

The theme was pretty much the same throughout all the dreams – that I die and leave DH to raise the boys alone.  Before that happens, I am sick for a very long time, and the boys have to visit me in the hospital.  They always leave in a sobbing mess, saying they wish it would just be over with, for all our sakes.  DH is seeing another woman, but very casually because he misses the companionship…  The boys start letting their grades slip…  I die and DH starts drinking heavily, Mega drops out of school and Popeye gets a girl pregnant… 

Now, I know part of those dreams was just normal parental anxiety, but part of it was my intense fear that there really is more cancer lurking in my body…  Biding its time, waiting for the opportune moment to make itself known.  It seems paranoid, I know, but you know what?  Its my health and my body, so bite me.  I’m gonna freak out a little and I think I am allowed. 

I’m not going to die.  For one thing, we know it’s there.  For another, even if we find more cancer elsewhere, I’m not a quitter and I plan to fight and pursue aggressive treatment.  Finally, I am not leaving my family!


So there, stupid dreams.  I won’t allow them to make me lose another moment of sleep.