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Small and Easy

“The smallest deed is better than the grandest intention.”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men
don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
don’t want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren’t so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for
the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to
the top becuase they value quality.”

 

Give me a reason

It’s been a rough few days… There has been some good, but overall, I am still at my critical mass point. Tonight there’s been alcohol and pretty much every ounce of my self control not to cry. That whole – tapping-out-your-reserve-every-time -you-say-no thing is definitely coming in to play. I can’t say no to gluten when all my will power is being drained everywhere else. I can’t say no to alcohol when my will power is tapped out.
 
And…  I don’t sleep in new places. This inn is awesome, but I can’t sleep… and I’m alone, so that’s not helping. I tried headphones, reading, and now this…
 
Right from the start, you were a thief
You stole my heart
and I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren’t  all that pretty
And with every touch
You fixed them
Now, you’ve been talking in your sleep
Oh oh, things you never say to ME
Oh oh, tell me that you’ve had enough
Of out Love
Our Love
Just give me a reason, Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second, we’re not broken Just bent
We can learn to LOVE again
Oh, it’s in the stars,
It’s been written in  the scars on our hearts
We’re NOT broken Just bent
We can learn to love  again.
I’m sorry I don’t understand where all of these is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is  running wild again
My dear, WE still have everything
And it’s all in your  MIND
(Yeah, but this is happenin’)
You’ve been having real bad dreams
Oh oh, used to lie so close to me
Oh oh, there’s nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Ooooh, our love, our love
 
I think if I could hit him, I might feel a little better, at least for the moment. And that might even enable me to sleep a bit.
 
My last bit of self control is melting… If I sleep tonight, it will be because I cried myself there.

This weather can go suck an egg. I need the sun to shine. When it’s dim and dark outside, it’s easier to stay in bed, or my pajamas, or both. Between yesterday’s awesome events and the current state of my life in general, today feels like one of those melodramatic soul-crushing crying days… complete with Pink Floyd soundtrack… and booze. Unfortunately for me (or perhaps, fortunately), I have too much to do, as usual. Most of the things that must be done are things I have been, or would normally look forward to. I am heading out for a working weekend retreat. The work is for a group I care deeply about – both the other women who volunteer, and the cause itself. I hope the connection and “get ‘er done” helps pull me out of this shit a bit, but even if it doesn’t, I will do my very best! I need to pack… Hard cider is already in the car, so that’s a start. I wanted to make some cookies to share… I do love cookies…

I just need a few days where nothing insane happens. Just a few, mind you. If you’ve got an in with The Force, I’d appreciate the favor. 

My Person

I miss my person. I’ve always had a person, but she’s 3,000 miles away. That’s cool. I always had a second person…  and then I didn’t any more, and I thought it would be okay… and then Dizzle got sick… and then I took on an apprenticeship… and then my marriage went into the shitter… then one kid continued to struggle in school despite new and better efforts to help him and the other one took off, furthering the derision between them… and then life just kept happening… and I didn’t have a person, a safe person, talk to and lean on.

I don’t have a person who lives just down the street that I can call, sobbing, and she just listens… and then shows up that night or that weekend with some good booze and a movie. I don’t have a person who listens and doesn’t immediately tell me where I’m wrong, but lets me be upset before laying in to me about how I could have prevented this or made it better. I don’t have a person who can say, “Well, damn…  You fucked up this time, and I know you’re mad/hurt… So!  Let’s unfuck this!”  I’m not a child. Don’t treat me as one, even if you feel I’m acting like one. I’m a fucking grown up, and whether you think I’m handling my shit or not really isn’t your call. You don’t get to tell me I’m being a baby. Maybe I’m being a baby because right now, I can’t take ONE.MORE.FUCKING.THING. Maybe I’m being a baby because right now, no one is making sure I’m okay…  While I’m worrying about everyone else being okay, even when I’m mad at them or upset with them.

 

I really need a person… Not a temporary person, or a stand-in, but an honest to The Force Person. I need someone who thinks I’m worth it…  you know, just this once.

 

And yes, I’m wallowing.  Shut up.

Dont’ Ask, Don’t Tell

If you really don’t want to know what’s wrong, please stop asking.  I feel like a broken record…  But you keep asking, though I’ve asked repeatedly for you to stop.  You don’t really want to know what’s wrong.  You’ve demonstrated that multiple times.  When I do explain what’s wrong, you say we’re talking in circles, and we’re too different.  Fine.  Stop giving the same responses, or the lack thereof, and things will change.  Definition of insanity, anyone?

What’s wrong is that I thought I married someone very, very different.  People change, but had I ever imagined you’d change in a way that would devastate me, I’d never have promised to spend my life with you.  For example, had I ever envisioned your “confidence” would make me feel 2 inches tall, I’d never have stuck around.  I have had more than enough of men making me feel insignificant, unimportant, undesireable, small, weak, and overall “less.”  I really have no desire to make a concerted effort to keep that in my life.  No one can make you feel insignificant but you, blah blah blah, but really, that’s never going to be the case for me.  But there’s one crucial differene in our behaviors – that has always been the case for me. That is not a new development – my self-esteem has never come from my self.  Period.

I don’t want you to ask me what’s wrong because I know the answer will lead to a fight in which I continue to feel defeated, worthless, lonely, and profoundly sad.  I don’t want you to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t want it to be wrong.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I don’t want you to feel the way you do.  I don’t want to think the thoughts I think.  I don’t want any of this.  I want what we were and what I thought we had before all this…  But I want an active partner who wants all those things, too.  I want someone who will actively engage in a discussion when he disagrees, and not keep his mouth shut so he doesn’t make me mad.  You don’t agree with me?  Fine!  Super!  But if you want your thoughts and feelings to be considered, you need to share them with honesty, and when it comes to things that need more than feelings (like you know, where our kids go to school and vaccines and health care decisions), I need you to actually DO THE WORK to make the decision, and not just disagree and resent me.  I need someone to help me shoulder the weight when things go wrong and not just sit next to me.  I can get a dog to do that…

 

So please don’t ask me what’s wrong…  because I won’t tell you.  It should be obvious, it’s been discussed, and unless you’re willing to be completely honest, the answers won’t change, and feelings will continue to be hurt.  Period.

One of my Turns

“Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You’ll find my favorite axe.
Don’t look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.”

I really do think I can take just about anything…  When I know what I’m taking.  So slough off whatever you can’t bear, and whether it’s mine or yours, I will carry it all…  Not because it’s right, but because I can’t keep up this fight.  I just need direction…  floating aimlessly in the storm is making the captain of the well-weathered boat weary…  Even if it’s not your harbor, just tell me where I’m going…  and I can chart a new course and though it may not be the course of my heart, I can follow it just the same…

 

One Can Only Hope…

I’m wide awake…

Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong

I’m wide awake
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah I’m) Falling from cloud 9
I’m wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I’m wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself – nooohooo

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
And it’s too late
The story’s over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
Till I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
I’m Falling from cloud 9

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I am trying to hold on
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I’m not blind anymore

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
(Ya’ know) I’m letting go tonight
I’m falling from cloud 9

I’m wide awake…

Dearest Dizzle

My Dearest Dizzle…

The last 48 hours have probably been the most nerve-wracking of my life…  I kept thinking that something worse was going to happen, and we were going to lose you…  That you wouldn’t stop seizing and you would die…  It made my heart skip beats and I couldn’t breathe…  I kept waiting to lose all control and just weep and rock you.  I wanted so badly to fix this…  this THING that was happening to you.  I wanted to take it all away and just let you be a toddler.  I didn’t want to think about making decisions about which tests would be best for you, and what medications we were okay with.  I wanted to fix it for you, but I wanted to fix it for me, too. 

 

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September OUG Wrap-Up

Goal? Obliterated… and not in the good way.  I gained weight. Continue reading

August OUG Wrap-Up

So…  This month, I got back on the horse.  Well, sort of.

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