Category: Parenting

Just Tell Me

It’s been a month since your nasty seizure episode.  In that time, we started Keppra, weaned from Keppra, sent out a test for Celiac and a few other sensitivities, and have started chiropractic care.  Thus far, we are seizure free.  Thus far, I am seeing positive changes in your overall attitude and responses to your world.  Thus far, I feel good about our decision to take you off the medication that removed your sense of self preservation and made you react as though every tiny thing that did not go your way was the end of the world.  Thus far, we are still holding out hope that it is either Celiac disease causing the seizures and therefore, removing gluten will keep you seizure free, or that this is a form of epilepsy you will outgrow with no lingering ill-effects.

I’m not the praying type…  But if I were, I would be spending just about every damn second on my knees, praying more than an answer than anything.  It’s the indefinite I struggle with.  Just tell me it’s Celiac.  Just tell me she will never outgrow it.  Just tell me.


I went school shopping for Mega Man this weekend.  Our state does a tax-free weekend, and the way I see it, every little bit helps.  I got him some nice new clothes Saturday, and then decided to save the “supply” trip for today.

When I got to the store, I found the list for our school, and read through it.  I thought I read it wrong, so I read it again…  And then a third time.  Just out of curiosity, how many people think my child will go through 10 large glue sticks, and 5 regular glue sticks in one school year?  How about 4 boxes of Kleenex?  4 containers of baby wipes? 

I don’t mind sharing what I have.  I really don’t.  I actually enjoy helping out and if they still have them, I’d like to volunteer as a Room Mother.  What chaps my ass is that it’s a demand.  Why should I spend $100.00 on supplies when I need only spend $10.00 to provide my child with what he needs?  I have no problem bringing in more if and when he needs them.  I don’t even mind if they send a note home saying there are few kids in the class whose families need help.  Honestly, I think that would be a good opportunity to show my children how nice it can be to help others.  I don’t want to teach my children that they have to give everything they have to everyone else.  That’s crap.  You give what you can, when you can, and that should be the end of it.

I will be labelling my child’s supplies and I have told him to tell me if those supplies go anywhere other than his desk, cubby, locker, backpack, whatever.  There will be words if that happens… 


Not only can I opt out if my child goes to public school, even when I pay for public education, I have to pay for everone else’s supplies, too.  What a crock.

The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement.  I hate that.  *laugh*  I think it's trite.  I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round.  Having said that, right now I am stopping hard – like both feet on the brakes hard.  I am having a hard time with just about every little thing.  I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night.  So for one, why are these things plaguing me so?  For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go?  So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

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I guess Celiac Disease is one of those things that we only have a basic understanding about.  When you couple it with breastfeeding, we know even less…  Great!

Yesterday was a super bad day.  I spent all of 2 hours at home.  The majority of the day was spent in a waiting room.  We finally got T-Rex tested for CD, but it took that long to do it.  Ridiculous.  I didn't appreciate the stares people kept giving us – you see that he's s toddler in a very non-child friendly waiting room.  You see that we've been sitting there longer than anyone.  Would you like to try to make him sit still and be quiet?  Bite me!

So anyway, that led to a gluten-day.  I have been dying for some gluten anyway, but with the stress, it just made me cave and I gave in.  I indulged.  A lot.  This morning I didn't feel too bad, so I decided to do it again.  I know it's dumb.  I know it starts an auto-immune response in my body that could not only make my stomach hurt, but give me a fever, chills, cold sweats, hot flashes, and never mind the damage it can do on a cellular level.  I get that.  I really do.  It's just that it's hard to care when I feel like my family would benefit from my insurance pay off if I were to kick the bucket.  Srsly…

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I try to avoid being cliche, but the first time DH heard this song, he damn near cried and I do cry every time I hear it.  This is a perfect summation of the way I feel about all 3children, but it's made even more obvious with Kili because she is truly the last baby for our family.  Something about knowing that has made both DH and I less quick to chastise and more eager to cherish. 

…So baby just hold on.  It won't be like this for long.

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long

It won’t be like this for long


*Day 75: I am grateful for every day I get to spend with my children…  Even the not-so-great days.

While I am at it…

With my down time, I swore to get birth stories down before I really lost all my memories of them…  Here is Mega's birth story.

*Day 72: I am grateful for all my birth experiences…  All of them.  🙂

I wouldn't willingly let anyone else raise my babies.  It's not that I think we're perfect parents, but we do the things we do because we think it is the best way to raise our children in our circumstances.  I know many parents whom I think are doing a wonderful job, but I think their methods wouldn't be that great for my kids.  I often ask for suggestions when I hit a brick wall or feel as though our current method(s) is/are not working, but for the most part, I believe DH and I are the best parents for Mega Man and T-Rex.  There are many parents whom I admire for the creative disciplining techniques, patience, etc., but overall, I think Mega Man and T-Rex are not too bad off with DH and I as parents, though I am sure they will need extensive therapy after all our attempts to raise perfect children.  *snicker*  Having said that…

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Here we go…

  • Now that the boys are home, I have very little time.
  • I've been working a lot on things over here and hoping to not only increase our traffic, but actually give people someting worth reading once they make it over there.
  • I'm totally ready for this little debutante to make her debut.  I feel huge and gross all the time, and where gaining weight may have been an issue before, it certainly isn't now!
  • I swore I'd flip my damn lid if I got any new stretch marks and the way this child is going, I'll be committed by the time she does decide to come out.
  • It's lovely having the boys home, but I am totally enjoying nap time…  I'd be enjoying it more if I could also indulge in a nap, but you know that Newton's Law or whatever it is that says, "As soon as Mommy falls asleep, it's time to wake up!"
  • Mega kicked my butt in Wii bowling, but was a very gracious winner today.  He's such a treat to be around, even when he's grittin' on me for the time we've lost together the past few weeks.
  • Oh yeah, he's pissed.  He's been all piss and vinegar towards me, but sweetness and light for DH.  I think he's starting to get over it, but I'm not quite ready to hold my breath on that one.
  • I can't stop thinking about LRRH – she got laid off last Friday, and I really hope she finds something PRONTO because I know she has enough on her plate right now and it's stressing her out…
  • I also can't stop thinking about an upcoming wedding in May.  Well, two, but I know I can't be at one.  I still have to find someone to watch the boys, and I'm pretty sure I've exhausted our options, short of asking some stranger.  Yipes!
  • The wedding I can't go to – you should SEE the shoes I was supposed to be wearing the day of.  HOT!  Once my ankles aren't so chubby, I'll have to remember to post a picture.  I've always had pretty decent legs for a chubby girl, but with the recent burst of activity, they're a little puffy these days.
  • I'm tired of being gluten-free.  I found some yummy graham crackers, but when DH and I tried to make s'mores last night, they totally fell apart and I had to make 3 mini s'mores for every one of DH's normal sized ones.  Indulgences aren't supposed to be that damn time consuming, I tell you!
  • I haven't even gotten dressed today.
  • T-Rex has seasonal allergies like me and he's miserable, and therefore, all over me.  He's been sitting in what little is left of my lap (while constantly digging his elbows into his sister's back trying to scoot back and make more room for his butt) more or less all day with the exception of lunch and nap time.
  • It's nice and all, but I have 3 very angry looking spots where he kept diggin' his elbows in, and I tell you, my skin is sensitive enough as it tries to stretch even more to cover this chubby, stubborn little monkey.
  • Pictures to come – we did an egg hunt yesterday in the backyard for the boys.  Good times!
  • Out of time: I think T-Rex is awake after only 45 minutes of sleep.  Pray for us all!

*Day 64: I am grateful for an understanding chiropractor who doesn't charge me when I have to cancel my appointment at the last minute because my kids' noses won't stop running long enough for me to even pull a clean shirt over their heads.  Whew!


     The ultrasound appointment went well today.  Kili is quite a chunky baby by the looks of her, and assuming the ultrasound tech and the midwife are right – both are placing her around 6 and a half pounds.  If that's true, I *really* hope she decides to make her debut this week.  I think I've mentioned that T-rex was HUGE compared to his brother and at 39 weeks' gestation, he was 6 pounds, 10 ounces.  He was a 2.5 hour struggle, compared to his brother's 45 minutes of hard work.  I'd rather not have anything larger than T-Rex even attempt to navigate this narrow pelvis, but I will trust Kili to know how big is too big…  Seriously, I will.  I will let go of my anxiety (HA!) and just sit back, relax, and trust…  *sigh* 

    Also, she is still a she (as evidenced by the above paragraph) and she has oodles of hair – so much that we could see it on the ultrasound.  Quite charming.  I was certain that after having two boys born with full heads of luscious blonde hair, my daughter would surely be born bald.  She has foiled us again, the little Diva in the Making.  🙂

     Not much progress on my end – 2 cm's instead of 1, and still 75% effaced.  I can live with that, but I wish to The Force she would either just chill out entirely and let me have a few days without contractions, or just commit and get real labor going.  I am sooo very tired.  I mean, both boys only caused 5 and 6 hours TOTAL of contractions.  She gives me at least 2 hours a day, and wakes me up several times per night, in addition to potty wakings!  Wednesday night, I had FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS of contractions that were 3-5 minutes apart!  I'm exhausted! 

So, beloved child…  PLEASE get out make up your mind…  NOW.

     On a totally kick ass note…  The boys are coming home tomorrow!  36 weeks was supposed to be the start of modified bed rest (meaning several hours per day I could engage in LIGHT activity that took place out of bed or off the couch) but after relaying my frustration to the midwife today, she gave me the go-ahead to go full throttle and see what happens!  So we're picking the boys up and walking around a gorgeous park tomorrow…  Unless, of course, Kili decides to commit to birth tonight or tomorrow morning…  Which would be FABULOUS…  But I digress.  I am sooo very excited about my babies coming home.  While I am sure it will add to my physical exhaustion, my stress, anxiety, and overall tension level will drop off and that's totally worth it.  Again, it's not that I think they're in a bad place, but they need their routine and their home and (hopefully, still) their Mommy and Daddy and we need them.  As lovely as the break has been, I am out of sorts without my children around and we've missed them terribly.  I cannot wait to hug them and tell them how much I've missed them!

     So yeah for a day full of good news!  Woot woot!

*Day 62: I am so grateful for all the love, help, and support we've recieved while trying to give our daughter more time to develop.


It's completely unnatural for me to be away from my children.  I can't stand it.  It was hard enough, but now T-Rex is apparently having trouble with it, too.  I got an E-mail from my mom this morning and it just made me weep for my baby…

Okay, something has to change. The current arrangement appears to be too stressful for T-Rex. I expected Monday to be rough, but it's still rough. He started hitting me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to be here. He did the same thing with (the babysitter) Monday and today. Obviously, he is being well taken care of here, so that's not the problem. I think it's just too much change for him. He can't get adjusted. He's not sick. He's not overstimulated. He has stuff to do. He's sleeping and eating well. He's just being very defiant, crying a lot, and being just unhappy.
I miss them, and I can deal with that.  The first week, they seemed perfectly fine, content to spend time with their Mammy and not think twice about Mommy and Daddy, with a few exceptions.  I can't bear the idea that he's just that miserable because I'm not there for him.  When he was home this weekend, we probably spent maybe 30 waking minutes not touching each other.  There's nothing Oedipal about it, he's just very tactile and physically affectionate.  As much as it normally over-stimulates me, it was a welcome change from being home all week without him and his brother.  Even Mega Man was very generous with his affection and touch, and he's typically very hands-off!  When they left to go back, Mega seemed fine.  He was excited about it!  T-Rex, on the other hand, started crying, "Get in the car, Mommy!  Don't leave, Daddy!" as DH started to back out of the driveway…  It broke my heart, but I figured once they got there, he'd be okay…
For now, the tentative plan is for US to drive out there and spend weekends out there, rather than bringing them home.  For one, it's less travel for the boys.  It's about 2.5 to 3 hours one way, so 5 to 6 hours in the car Friday night, and then again Sunday evening is A LOT for the little dudes.  For two, it's less gas money.  DH has gone back to his normal work station, and it's 40+/- one way, so in addition to the drive, we're being slaughtered by fuel costs.  For three, it's less change in the routine. Whatever my mom has in place when we get there will be what we honor through the weekend.  We're hoping that by removing the travel and routine-upset, T-Rex will be better able to cope…  I just hate that I'm his Mommy, and therefore, the one who should fix it, but I'm the problem right now.  If it doesn't get better, I'm going to go against my better judgement and bring them home and if Kili comes early, she comes early.  How can I sacrifice one for the other?  After all, maybe she was trying to tell us then that she was ready… 
I miss those boys so very much…  I wish we were rich enough to afford a private nanny for them during the day so I could still be near them.  The house is so quiet and the sound of the fish tank used to soothe me, but now it just annoys the hell out of me because it's the only sound I hear…  I miss hearing them laugh, or even argue.  I miss telling them that they had to share, or take turns, or that, no, they would not be having a snack because they didn't finish their lunches.  I miss Mega's quick wit and ability to ask me a question that catches me off guard, even if it's about something simple like where the snail goes when the shell is empty.  I miss T-Rex's little arms suffocating me in my sleep, his crazy giggle and fearlessness.  It's just not natural to be apart…
*Day 60: Today, it was very hard for me to find something to be grateful for.  BUT!  I am trying to be more like my husband and see that every raincloud, no matter how leaden, has a silver lining.  SO!  I am grateful that, even though I can't be with them, my boys have somewhere safe to go during this time, and that I know they're safe and well cared for.  I am grateful that  my mom has been so willing to sacrifice her normal life to provide for them and make it easier for me to make it to 37 weeks and hopefully, give my boys a healthy sister.