I have butterflies! I am optimistic and terrified. Does that sound crazy? Oh, to have hope… What a wonderful thing!
Category: Daily
I am so thankful for the people in my life… All of them. Even the ones who hurt, sadden, and enrage me offer opportunities for growth. so, with that in mind, I am going to give it a week. I will either take a serious hiatus for a while, or just walk away all together (which is the way I am leaning now).
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.” – Eric Idle
“I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like, and right now it’s a steel knife in my wind pipe.” – Eminem
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
“Still around the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate.” – JRR Tolkien
“Any dog, you put him in the corner, no matter if they’re vicious or not, they’re going to bite back.” – Mike James
Do you ever just get really sad? Like… for no obvious, apparent reason? Yeah… Me neither.
I think it’s just a “de-gluten” effect. Gluten = opiates in a Celiac brain. No lie, they’re one (or two) molecules different. It makes me feel AMAZING despite the fever, chills, gastro-upset, rash, etc. When I come down, I come down hard. That makes it worse because why come down if you don’t have to? Oh, how I wish X was not something that would probably kill me, lead into a really bad, bad scene, and just keep me happy and slim. HA!
Maybe it’s their chewiness… the way they start off tart and then as they give up the fight against your molars, they become sugary caramel sweet… But for some reason, they seem like the perfect candy to eat while you cry. I am not even sure why I am crying. I mean, the day has been shit-tastic, but nothing I can’t handle. While crossed lines of communication suck, all lines were put to right (I think), and really, who hasn’t been there? I fucked up on an account or two, but again, no one is perfect, and I’m cool… I’m frustrated about this silly sewing project I can’t seem to figure out, but still… Not a reason to cry. So why the hell am I crying?
Operation Ugly Duckling: Make myself feel good about myself. No more, “Because I’m fat,” or “I would if I weren’t so fat and disgusting. ” My babies deserve a better example.
So Day One, I do 2 miles on the treadmill in 40 minutes. Not impressive, but for me, it’s a BFD. My hips, calves, and lower back are screaming… The gym, for a change, was not filled with normal people, but super-fit high school athletes and other jock-types. I thought I had blinders, but the one average woman in the gym found the treadmill next to me and also commented… I felt like a slob for 40 minutes. Sitting in my car… turn it on and no lie, FUCKING PERFECT is on my CD, which was on shuffle… So I cried… and now I am going home where I have to convince myself I’m not hungry…
I keep meaning to get my arse over here. I have so many things I’d like to unload.
- The Force. Today is Day 3 of “Nothing Heather can do or plan or try will turn out properly.” The Force, today, you win. I give you a big hug and allow you to muddy my waters, direct me in whatever direction you see fit, all while refusing to continue to try to swim upstream. Thus far, I have given several things up to The Force while trying to remain open to suggestion and continuing to envision what I would like to have happen. Thus far, I’ve not been led astray. If The Force is listening, I would like It to know that I am waiting patiently and trying to remain humble. TRYING.
- School. I love that in a few years, I will be ready to sit for my NARM exam. Truly, I am grateful… However… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t just a tad overwhelmed. I am trying to get the hang of a new filing system, a new way to do assignments, and just new everything. I have not been a “student” in almost ten years. I have continued to educate myself, improve my skill sets, and increase my knowledge base, but actually having to be a student is very different. Before, I was accountable to myself. If I didn’t feel proficient in something, I just didn’t offer it. Now I will be tested. Weighed. Measured… We all know how I feel about that… I welcome the challenge! WELCOME!
- Finances. In about two months’ time, we shall be free of consumer debt. We will have only our mortgage, utilities, and basic needs (food, fuel, etc.) to pay for. That *sounds* great, but we’re taking on the cost of a private education in the same breath. Well, at least, I hope we are. We have applied for financial aid; using 1/5th of our income to pay for two of our children to go to school just is not reasonable for our family. We shall find out very soon what, if any, aid has been granted so that we can determine whether or not private school is feesible for us. I really hope so. In the mean time, I will be saving every spare nickel and dime I can. I will not be taking doula clients much longer and while the income is sporadic at best, it still helps. Not having it at all is sure to impact our budget, even on a small scale.
- Private school. We found a school that we really like. It will come down to whether or not we can afford it. $750.00 per month is more than beyond our means. I hate to think that money will determine where my children are educated, but it’s a truth I can’t turn a blind eye to. *sigh* I am hoping The Force will help us out on this one. *smile*
- Rabbits! We are going to start rabbit farming for meat. I realize how odd and even distasteful that might sound to some. We are trying to reduce our grocery budget despite the rising costs of commodities, as well as have something to produce. Rabbits are actually more cost effective than chickens. While they do not lay eggs, they cost less to feed, require less space, and their maturity time is quicker, as well. We will start with a trio and go from there. We get our first rabbit in just a few weeks and are working on building a hutch. It’s exciting! I don’t know how much rabbit meat *I* will eat, but there is certainly a demand for it, and what’s wrong with lovin’ on some bunny ears? 8 to 12 pound bunnies at that?!
- It’s that time again.
- DH’s father is getting married this weekend…
- I miss Jenae. And if you’re reading this, that means GET OUT HERE!!! Love you!
- We did eventually get our van back. It took over a calendar month. Yes, you read that correctly. I realized how much I really do like that hunk of metal and was grateful that the insurance and shop worked it out so that the rest of the rental was covered. Almost made me wish for horse and buggy days… Almost.
- The Year of Living Dangerously… Rocks my world. Another challenge I welcome. WELCOME!
That’s the big stuff. I am going to make tea. I am done-zo. Overwhelmed. Feeling ridiculous. This is me, letting The Force take the wheel… relinquishing control… Feels oddly like letting a teenager behind the wheel while I cower in the passenger seat, quite frankly. Ta!
I am writing a book.
I have been so busy staying busy that I am barely breathing. I have swamped myself with things to do and while it has definitely kept me from focusing on the thing I wanted to avoid most, it has stressed me out beyond belief. I am thankful, at least, for the sunshine and warmer temps. Walking outside and just being able to stand in the sun for a few minutes has done me a world of good. Tomorrow is another insane day, but I am one step closer to being able to return to a time that is not so ridiculously over scheduled. *deep breath*
We moved! TypePad was truly a wonderful blogging platform, but I couldn’t continue to justify $89.95 a year, especially when we have $200.00 in available credit. Time to renew is just around the corner, and it comes down to new brakes for the van, or the blog… Decisison, decisions. So anyway, while I am unimpressed thus far with Word Press, I am hoping it will grow on me. I strongly dislike the lack of editable sidebar content. I miss my music, my reading list, and my blog roll. I also dislike the available themes, but perhaps that will be a good motivator toward learning more CSS and HTML. Make your new bookmarks and hit me up! I need some love in my new home!
Along with being seriously under-valued, under-paid, under-appreciated, and sleep deprived, one thing the career of motherhood lacks is mental health days. I desperately need time with myself and myself alone to evaluate, prioritize, and tackle.
- Bills. One of our credit cards is jumping to 29.99% in response to Obama's fair credit laws. We are not maxxed out, have never made a late or partial payment, and yet, if we keep this card, we will be paying 30% interest. Guess which card will no longer have a place in our wallets? That leaves us a single credit card that is just below its limit. It has a phenomenal rate, though… we have a hole in our wall with water damage lurking behind it. It's going to take a couple hundred dollars for the repair and making the room look decent. If we went to just repair the damage and leave bare wood, no drywall, or paint, obviously it would be less expensive… we still have one car… none of my midwifery schools accept federal funds, so we're looking at personal loans or putting off my education… shall I continue?
- Temptation. I continue to be offered awesome opportunites that I think would enrich my midwifery and doulas qualities. They are being dangled in front of me like cake and while I want to seize them all, obviously that would be unwise and over-taxing. So which do I take and which do I leave?
- Food. I hate being gluten free around the holidays. No stuffing, modified pies, no green bean casserole… LAME.
- Children. T-Rex just doesn't listen. Period. I think I feel the urge to throttle him at least once every other day… Kili is having a hard time sleeping and the only way I can get any rest is to have her in the bed. DH hates co-sleeping and keeps trying to sleep on the couch which really pisses me off. Mega Dukes is great, but getting him to and from school every day is irritating some days.
- Family. I'll just say one thing: When people have a common goal, why is it so hard to see / understand / accept that your way of getting there and mine might be totally different?
*sigh* Seriously…
A Life {Extra}Ordinary 