Category: Personal Junk


It’s been a long 4 years…  I’ve had a baby who lights up my world but inspires so much fear and trepidation.  I’ve seen my marriage go from one of the three most stable forces in my life to a complete mess. I’ve struggled with my children to find ways to encourage them to work to the best of their abilities, and to find environments that foster their aptitude.  I’ve lost a few friends that I miss sorely. I’ve made a few new friends that I’d like to get to know better.  I’ve worked very hard in my professional life and as a volunteer in the same field.  I’ve tried very hard to become more conscientious, more present, more open-minded, and more humble…

Of the last 4 years, I spent the first 3 wondering what I had finally done to deserve such an awesome life.  It felt as though the tumblers were all finally falling into place and my hard work was paying off not only for myself, but for the people I serve and for what I hoped to accomplish…

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This book has been on my list for a long time… and then my marriage fell apart and it was pretty much the last thing I wanted to read. This evening I finished “The Scarlet Plague” by Jack London after just 3 sittings with it. I try to read something for leisure and not just my textbooks so that I don’t get to the point where I can’t enjoy picking up a book. I was scrolling through my list, and running my fingers over a few spines in my bookshelf, and I kept coming back to this one… So, I figured, “What the hell?”

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Time

The funny thing about time is that it’s so subjective.  When you’re waiting for something you really, really want, it creeps by like an ice berg, inching towards eternity.  When you’re facing something you’re terrified of, or not ready for, or just not terribly thrilled about, the hours pass like seconds and you’re running headlong with the wind pushing you.  Time is a funny, funny thing…

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Who knew…

Who knew how prophetic my senior year book quote would be?

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Every Day I’m Shufflin’

 

Every day I try to be a good person. I try to be someone you can talk to – someone who knows when to listen, when to hug, and when to chime in with encouragement or just shut up and be present. I try to be someone you can ask a favor of. I try to be someone you can trust. I try to be someone you can lean on because The Force knows I have leaned. I try to be someone who knows when to say they ar…e sorry – and mean it – and when to not allow blame to be laid unfairly. I try to be someone who speaks up for those who can’t without stepping on them myself. I try to be someone who loves… wholly and unconditionally. It’s a lot of work… But I hope that every day I try, it gets easier and that my kids will do the same, with must less difficulty. It’s not hard to do those things – they come from love. But, it is hard to do those things when people are constantly telling you or showing you that they don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter. Everybody screws up. Crucifying them for it doesn’t help. Tomorrow, I will try again, crucified or not. ♥

Final FML for 2010…

Because the year couldn’t just end.  It had to go out with a bang.

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I don’t do resolutions. I think they’re cliche, too quickly and easily broken, and just as easily and rapidly broken. I do, however, believe in self-improvement. With that in mind, I started thinking about what I wanted to change about myself. There are things I am constantly working on (my temper, yelling, road rage, etc.), but I try to add to the list as I see things I don’t like. The more I thought about it, the more I thought about how *dangerous* I could become. Thus, the year of living dangerously…

  • Say nothing unless you can say it out of love. If there is any anger or rage anywhere in the sentiment, keep it to yourself until you can add the love.
  • Recognize and respect the path. Not everyone has the same destination, and it doesn’t make their path any less hard to walk, or any less meaningful, nor is it my job or my right to attempt to alter their destination.
  • Spend more time in the moment and less time worrying – worrying about making more time, worrying about the future, and worrying about the past.

Those will all be challenges for me. For now, I think those are big enough challenges for me to tackle, though I may add as I progress. Here’s to 2011 – The Year of Living Dangerously.

So… Obviously I’ve not been around much.  I come to you now to update and, essentially, purge.  I may very well explode into a thousand tiny pieces if I don’t offload some of this.  *shiver*

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I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people.  As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it…  It's purging and then I can not be angry any more…  Which is always good, right? 

So why am I more irritated now than when I started?  Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad?  In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing…  But then, it's not.  Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about.  That takes too much energy, for one.  For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse.  Who needs that?  Not this chick, that's for damn sure…

I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be.  I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair.  Still…

So here I am, stewing away…  I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above…  I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry.  How dumb is that?! 

In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked.  I am mad, but it's forced.  I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off…  LAY-MUH.

So what purpose does your blog serve? 

The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement.  I hate that.  *laugh*  I think it's trite.  I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round.  Having said that, right now I am stopping hard – like both feet on the brakes hard.  I am having a hard time with just about every little thing.  I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night.  So for one, why are these things plaguing me so?  For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go?  So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

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