Category: Bi-Polar Type Stuff!?


I think happiness is not a natural state for me.  I have to work to be happy.  But you know what?  That’s okay.  I would rather work to be happy than sit back and be miserable.

How do you work to be happy?

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It’s been a while.  I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.  As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.  Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

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*dump*

I'm heading back to my old ways.  My bi-polar symptoms are creeping back in…  Well, okay, that's a lie.  It's more like they hi-jacked my body about 2 weeks ago and now the little people running the upstairs control room are just using me as a marionette and laughing maniacally while I destroy myself and my family.  It's… interesting.

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We totally went in and stuck to our guns.  For that, I am very proud of us.  I have never been good at avoiding temptation and true to form, I took the 2007 V-8 4×4 Dodge Durango home last night for a 24-hour test drive, though I knew we were heavily leaning toward a negative vote on keeping it.  After researching what it would do to our insurance (a monthly increase in cost of $28.00 with the same coverage criteria), what our interest was roughly sitting at (because thanks to the Patriot Act, they can't tell you until you're signing), and what they were giving us for our trade-in (about $7,000.00), we just couldn't do it.  After purchasing the extended warranty and gap coverage (which was NOT an option considering we were adding $8700 in negative equity to our loan after our trade-in!), we would essentially be taking on the same loan we did 2.5 years ago.  Our payments would be right at $409.00, which is only $20.00 less than what we're paying now.  While I am a conservative driver for the most part, and I don't go many places, I know that the V-8 engine alone would more than eat that $20.00 "savings" per month, and nevermind the increase in insurance.  Right now, if we continue to pay the little extra we have been, we'll have this loan paid off by November 2011, rather than April 2012 when it matures.  It sucks and we're nailed to the damn wall, but it's been working.  If I can't pay the extra one month, then it's no big deal.  But we were only willing to tighten down so much if we knew it meant we were saving on some of the interest in the long run.  If we take out this new 6 year loan, we won't be doing that any more and we'll just be tightening down because Miss Vanity doesn't think a mini-van at the tender age of 22 (now I'm 24) is cool…

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  • I am at a point where I am thinking about not caring about what goes in my mouth.  Rationally, I don’t want to feel like shit any more, but seriously, the thought of preparing another meal just makes me tired.  I don’t want to continue to damage my GI tract or other organs, but cheese, yogurt, real pizza, bagels, graham crackers, marshmallows, ranch dressing, chocolate cake, pudding, fried chicken (rare though it is that I eat it), donuts, cream puffs, frosted shredded wheat…  All that and about a million other things is a lot to walk away from.  I don’t have much will power, especially for things that don’t make me happy…  I wish I knew already whether or not I am truly allergic to milk.  I keep feeling like I am “cheating” by eating cheese and dairy products.  For all I know, I am still jacking myself up, but I can’t seem to let the dairy go on top of the wheat.  Once I know for sure that I can’t have the milk, I’ll kick it out because I don’t want to keep killing myself, blah blah blah, but it still really sucks. 
  • I feel like I’m living in a cave.  We don’t have a routine any more.  We went from playgroup twice a week, with the option to attend other events, and usually 1-2 “spontaneous” outtings to absolutely nothing.  The boys are going stir crazy and so am I.  I’ve dumped a lot of effort into work.  It’s good, but it doesn’t help the boys much.  My new parent package is a lot nicer, and I’m working my way towards a more professional web site, but like I said, the boys aren’t benefitting.
  • Mega is driving me over the edge.  Without regular outlets for his energy, he’s getting frustrated over the smallest of things, which of course, frustrates me.  We’re going to kill each other before long…
  • Our current financial/economic standing is no bueno.  I still don’t know that I’d say we’re in a recession or whatever, but I do know that my little family is getting stomped.  For the first time in a very long time, I had to transfer money from savings just to cover our monthly expenses – not because we wanted to eat out, hit the mall, or go anywhere special, but to pay the actual power and phone bills…  Fan-damn-tastic.   
  • I had to increase my doula fees just to cover gas – I went from pocketing half my fee as profit to less than a quarter if I had to drive beyond the closest hospital.  That’s a bit ridiculous to me, especially because I swore I would never let someone walk away from a doula’s services because of their financial standing.  But seriously, I can’t justify leaving the house, packing food, missing a day or more with my kids, and coming home absolutely exhausted for $50.00.  So, I had to pass the bad juju on, unfortunately.  *sigh*  That makes me feel like a shmuck.  So I try to work with people so that I’m not working for free, but my clients don’t feel like they’re pawning their right arm to have a doula… 
  • I’m tired.  Despite melatonin being added back into my daily regime of pills to swallow, I’m still not sleeping very well.  I wake up every 30-45 minutes and I feel as though I toss and turn more than half the night.
  • I miss Gram…  More than usual lately.  I seem to fixate on things regarding the after life, too…  “What Dreams May Come” and “City of Angels” for instance…  Hmm…
  • I’m tired of the effort of every little thing.  It’s a bad week.  Whatever.

          While we're building walls here on our mental retreat at Casa de Mental Mommy… 

          I am a firm believer that when things go wrong, there is never one person who is solely to blame.  This belief did not evolve out of an experience I had.  It evolved from watching the interactions of others, and observing that most people are very quick to point the finger at others, forgetting that they're leaving 3 to point at themselves.  As a person with such a belief, I try very hard to apologize and make amends when blame falls on myself.  Admittedly, sometimes, this isn't enough.  Other times, it is just what is needed to correct a situation.  While I may not always agree that I should apologize or make amends, I can usually see where others are coming from and how they may have been hurt or wronged by my actions or words, and the fact that I've hurt them is enough to make me want to apologize.

          Forgive me if this post rambles on.  I have been drinking and though I am very tired, I can't sleep.  I can't sleep because I can't help but feel that my belief is wrong – that this whole catastrophe was completely my fault, I got what I deserved, and I've no one to blame but myself.  I hate that feeling.  Not only because it makes me the bad guy but because it breaks my heart to think that despite the effort I put into caring for and thinking of the way my actions may make others feel, I have still failed.  I have failed so miserably as to bring all of this heartache on my own head. 

          Apparently my previous thoughts that perhaps I should live in a bubble had more merit than even I initially thought.  I am too sensitive when others criticize me and not sensitive enough to the needs and feelings of others.  Since a bubble is out of the question, I shall continue to build my wall…  Where I once thought it would be best for myself, family, friends, and future acquaintances to tear down the wall, I am now reminded of my previous logic.  The wall protects not only myself, but others from me.  I have since learned that some people are safe to allow into the wall – a drawbridge and moat has been added to my mental and heart-containing fortress and I hope that my fortifications are enough…  While I like to think I am strong willed and hearted, I must admit that another blow like this just might destroy me.  I already feel as though I have some inherent character flaw that makes me unfit to live amongst others, so reminding me of that is more than rubbing salt in a wound… 

     Just keep building!  Just keep building!  Just keep building, building, building!  What do we do?  We build, build!  

just keep swimming

     I'm on a mental retreat.  I can't fall back any further in my daily life, so I do it in my head.  I've hurt a few people with my inability to let them in lately, so rather than continue to hurt them, or hurt even more people, I'll just curl up within myself and hide in my mental castle.  *shrug*  It's not too bad.  I'm used to it here.  Besides, now I can rest even easier inside my castle…  I think the walls are higher and thicker than ever.  *snicker* 

      "It's no surprise to me – I am my own worst enemy."  – Lit

          Too bad I can't lock myself outside the walls.  I'm the one who screws me the most, right?

Detox

          We're hoping that we have discovered what makes me feel like crap so much of the time…  It's something so astonishingly simple that once I really thought about it, I wanted to smack myself.  A while back, it was suggested that I try the celiac diet because I felt like crap after eating.  We're not talking like ocassional upset stomach, but a general feeling of not-so-greatness after every meal.  I didn't stick to it, and chucked the idea out.  Now we're back to something very similar – wheat sensitivity.  I have an appointment with the specialist on the 19th.  They'll do some nifty new live-blood analysis to figure out what in the world is going on in my body that is making it turn on itself.  

       I'm totally hoping for a 2-for-1 deal.  Research suggests that people who were previously diagnosed as having bipolar syndrome are no longer considered such after starting a wheat and or gluten-free diet.  How's about that for a perk?!  I could feel better overall AND not be a crazy bitch!  OMG!  What would I do with myself?  I don't know that I would recognize me!  Squee!

     While trying not to count my chicks before they hatch, I am really hoping that this is it.  This whole being dizzy, light-headed, always exhausted but rarely able to sleep, not having an appetite or not being able to stop eating at all, and just general chaos in my body has got to stop!  I'd really like to have the kind of energy my kids have, and while I realize that may not happen even if I took speed, it would be nice to at least be able to keep up with them, rather than feeling like they are running circles around me all day long. 

          So!  If anyone has any good wheat-free recipes (especially for breads and pastas, which are my FAVORITE FOODS!!), please pass them along.  I am terrified that I will be so bored with eating that I will forget how horrible I feel and go back to my old, toxic ways.  Let's hope this is it, ya'll!

Therapy

       It’s storming.  Badly.  Like thunder and lightning and torrential rains.  It’s been a rough few days anyway, so this is like the icing on the cake.  I am trying my hardest not to go out and commit a crime (SHOP!!!) or get myself in financial trouble (SHOP!!!), but I am heading straight for temptation by taking the boys to the mall to play with their friends.  They have an indoor play area and with the amount of energy Mega seems to wake up with, I think that’s a necessary evil.  I’m usually pretty good about not going crazy at the mall – I never pay retail for anything, so that sort of helps to keep my crazy ass in check. 

          In the mean time, I have been browsing around for paint schemes on-line.  At first, the color of the walls didn’t bother me.  It’s cream, with a soft hint of brown, maybe?  Anyway, now every time I look at them I just think, "They always look dingy."  I can remember helping Gram wash the walls and baseboards when I was little and I feel like I just have to scrub the house every other day.  Ridiculous.  Call me crazy (and you’d just be being honest!), but I can’t live like that.  I really like this for the den / play room.  I wanna be bold and get away from drab, safe colors.  I’ve had white walls almost everywhere I have lived, so why not go for the gusto?  I think DH will go for it.  After all, the walls in his room used to be something like this.  While I like that color (Jitterbug Jade), there was no trim, just all paint that bright, bright aqua blue-ish-green.  It was a bit overwhelming.

          I am also looking at acupuncture.  Have any of you ever tried it for bi-polar or depression?  Heard or known of someone who has?  I am hoping it can help with everything – my kidneys, my allergies, my sleep, the mood swings, and just every thing.  I know it isn’t a cure-all, but there is a wonderful practitioner in our area who seems to think that she can at least help me with the symptoms, and that’s better than just about anything else I have been offered.  One place for multiple things is always nice.  Every other thing has just been for the sleep, just been for the appetite, or just for the mood swings.  I don’t know about you, but trying to keep 8 million different diet and exercise routines, and whatever else straight in my head, just ain’t helpin’. 

          So anyone, off to exercise my restraint and head to the mall where I will not practice retail therapy.  Ciao!   

Oooh pretty!

          I can’t remember if I told ya’ll that I got a sun lamp.  Well, I did thanks to my rad mom.  It’s blue and pretty…  I feel like Dory from Finding Nemo when I sit in front of it…  You know, the part where Dory and Marlin are looking at the little bobbing light that the deep-sea monster fish uses to lure in prey?  Yeah, that’s totally me.  Anyway, it seems to be helping.  When I forget a day, it kicks my ass.  I forgot yesterday and when I woke up this morning, I felt like a crack fiend in need of a hit.  Pssh…  Whatever dude.  It works.  I like my little blue light.  It rocks.  All you bi-polar people out there should check it out.  For serious. 

          Oh!  Know what else makes me happy?  The fact that I finally got Microsoft Office.  Woot!