Category: Downward Spiral


This book has been on my list for a long time… and then my marriage fell apart and it was pretty much the last thing I wanted to read. This evening I finished “The Scarlet Plague” by Jack London after just 3 sittings with it. I try to read something for leisure and not just my textbooks so that I don’t get to the point where I can’t enjoy picking up a book. I was scrolling through my list, and running my fingers over a few spines in my bookshelf, and I kept coming back to this one… So, I figured, “What the hell?”

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Resolutions

I don’t believe in resolutions. You can change at any moment. So while the timing coincides, we’ll call them resolutions, but really they’re more like healthy reminders. ūüôā

1. You are¬†a motha’ fuckin’ duck. Water off your back, bitch, not skin.

2. When you do get skinned, never let¬†’em see you cry.

3. Sing in the shower. Who cares who’s listening.

4. Keep the batteries out of the scale. It’s been good not to report to that bitch twice a day.

5. Be honest¬†about your feelings with a select few friends. Those that have done¬†that for / with you are worthy of the same in return. They’re grown-ups and they can take it. If they can’t, they’ll tell you, but that’s what they’re there for – to help carry the load.

6. Let them help carry the load.

7. Let them help carry the load.

8. Never… never let *him* see you cry.

9. Anyone who sings¬†“Little¬†Things” to you? Run away with them and never look back… at least not for a long weekend.

In case you’re wondering, I’ll be ringing it in alone. Apparently he’s going next door. He is also going to see Zero Dark Thirty with the same person he’s ringing in the new year with…¬† After I waited a week for him to take me to see The Hobbit. I ended up seeing it alone, just in case you were wondering about that, too. I hope the neighbor remembers that he loves meatloaf and biscuits and gravy. I hope the neighbor doesn’t mind that he would never change the sheets if left to his own devices and will take a 2+ hour bath and never scrub the tub despite being the only one in the house to use salts and oils in the tub. I hope the neighbor tries to make his birthday special, and reminds him of all the kids’ functions so he will actually show up and make an effort to be there. I hope the people and relationships he’s actually putting effort into are enough to keep him afloat when his entire life comes crashing down around him…¬† I hope these people are there for him when it’s my turn to have the kids for Christmas and he’s got his drunken family to spend time with. I hope these relationships are enough for him when he doesn’t pass the servicewide because he didn’t study and no one pushed him. I hoped these people are there for him when his anger about his upbringing finally makes its way to the surface and he comes apart. I really do. I hope he wakes the fuck up before he destroys everything in his path. I hope someone tells him about himself before he alienates not only his wife of almost 10 years, but his children, who see him “not loving” their mom… I hope he comes around before his babies resent him for all the hurt he caused… I will hate him. It will be the only way I can survive… and it’s creeping in. The only thing that keeps me from just breaking down and not getting out of bed is that little piece of hot, angry ember that re-ignites and burns hot everytime he hurts me… and that fuels the hate… and it’s not just a single ember now…¬† I’m going to hate him… and I hope that if he decides at some point that I am worth his love, he decides it before I hate him…

It’s amazing how you can feel so great one minute, and so horrible the next. It’s been a tumultuous week between work and home.

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Time

The funny thing about time is that it’s so subjective.¬† When you’re waiting for something you really, really want, it creeps by like an ice berg, inching towards eternity.¬† When you’re facing something you’re terrified of, or not ready for, or just not terribly thrilled about, the hours pass like seconds and you’re running headlong with the wind pushing you.¬† Time is a funny, funny thing…

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Checking Out

Every week for school, I am supposed to¬†check-in.¬† It’s supposed to hold us accountable for what we are or are not learning by having us keep a record of what we have done to move us closer to our goal of completion and we have to submit it each week.¬† This Friday, I will be checking out…¬† I haven’t yet swallowed the lump in my throat, but I already put in a pre-emptive strike e-mail to let them know I was returning my cirriculum…

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Muscle Can Suck It

I’ve really been trying hard…¬† I got in with my doc and she agreed there is something going on – metabolic or otherwise that is hindering me from seeing positive results. I am at the heaviest I have ever been while not pregnant…¬† I am only 5 pounds away from the heaviest I have been even while pregnant. That’s not okay.¬†

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So I knew the day was going to suck, but I really had no idea just how much it really could suck.¬† How much wood would a woodchuck suck if a woodchuck could suck wood kinda suck…

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It’s been a while.¬† I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.¬† As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.¬† Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

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Recurrent Anguish

I am going to lose my certification. 

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