Category: The C-Word

I’m listening…

Someone is trying to tell me something.  This afternoon they all but bashed me over the head with it…  I am listening.  I just hope that what I think you’re telling me is far worse than what you’re actually telling me…  Shit.



          Some of you know that I have been sick lately.  I don't mean I've had a lingering cold or a cough.  I mean I passed out in the middle of Wal-Mart this week and about hit the deck in the shower this morning.  Clearly, all is not well in Casa de Mental Mommy.  At first, I kept it to myself and put on my happy face, thinking it would go away or that I'd figure it out.  When it didn't, and I lost consciousness in front of my children, I figured it might be time to surrender…  And by surrender, I mean tell the people I feel safe with and then hope they'd offer to help without me asking for it, because we all know I suck in that department. 

          Man, oh man, have I been blessed.  Whatever I did in my past life to warrant the people around me, I thank The Force.  Yesterday, the boys spent the day with one of their buddies and I slept.  Yes, me, the vampire who can't stand the light of day, let alone sleep if there's even the smallest amount of light in the room, I slept.  I didn't answer E-mails, I didn't blog (it was on auto-post, ya'll), I didn't even play X-Box.  I slept and read about 20-25 pages of 'Peace.'  It was bliss.

          Today when I go in for the round-up appointment, another sweet someone is taking the boys again.  What would I do to entertain them in an office for 2 hours?  Rather than be strapped in the stroller, bored out of their minds, and probably distracting the crap out of all of us, they will play at another friend's house and not be worried about their mom.  Stellar.

          While I am still a bit scared by the whole, "kidneys shutting down, liver enzymes elevated, passing out, yadda yadda yadda," I know that at least I'm not swinging from my tree alone.  I'm cradled by hands I didn't even know were there.  It's not so much strain on your arms when you've got others there supporting you, too.  While I thought it would just make me feel weak and vulnerable, it kind of made me feel stronger – like I could focus more on what I needed to do to get better instead of using all my energy to hide it from everyone.  I do feel indebted, but I think that's how gratitude is supposed to work.  When someone does something for you that you couldn't do for youself, you're supposed to want to do the same for someone else.  I think that's how it keeps itself going. 

          Thank you.  Thank you to all of you who have listened, offered to help in any capacity, and for those of you who continue to put up with my shit.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

          Friday we’re back to the OB/GYN’s office for more tests.  Apparently that relief was premature.  The wonder drug has yet to do its thing and I am starting to feel some pain that shouldn’t be there.  When is pain good, ya know?  It could be completely unrelated to previous gynecological issues, but let’s face it.  With my luck, it’s not. 

          So now we go for another round of ultrasounds, and I don’t mean the "on top of the skin on your tummy" kind.  And probably blood work and other not-so-fun type stuff.  I am trying not to worry, but when does something happen to my body that I shouldn’t worry? 

          So that was my serious post and I will go back to silly, frivolous posts because sh*t like this just doesn’t make me happy. 

        My OB appointment was today.  If you don’t want to read about bodily fluids and nether regions, skip it.

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A Sigh of Relief

I am taking a breather to post this real quick.  I have been running around all morning, and getting about as much accomplished as a one-legged man in butt-kicking contest.  None of us slept very well, or for very long last night.  It usually takes about 5-6 days for us to get into a new routine and the boys seem to handle stress the same way I do – eat a lot, sleep very little, and be very easily aggravated.  I think I was up with one of the two about every 60-75 minutes.  I gave up around 7 this morning and decided to hop in the shower.  Of course, when I did that, they both got quiet for 3 hours.  Ha ha…  Very funny boys!

Once we all got up, I made breakfast.  BabySan decided to spit up for the third time in his life, and of course, he completely missed my shirt and got my hair, so I took another shower.  Then I just went into a frenzy – I emptied every trash can in the house except for the one that I only use to throw paper (junk mail, mostly) into, I washed all the bottles and nipples, rinsed the few dishes in the sink and loaded them into the dishwasher, fed and watered the cat, cleaned the litter box, dressed myself and boys (because the previous things had been done in a stupid towel that wouldn’t stay put!), did a few other random things that you’re probably going to skim anyway because they’re lame and boring but must be done, made coffee (decaf), took my daily dose of vitamins and minerals, gulped 12 ounces of water, made myself a sandwich and sat down to eat and post before I passed out.  WHEW!!!

SO!!!  The reason I am breathing a sigh of relief!!!

My doctor called and said she got my test results back from pathology and as of right now, I am cancer free and free of abnormal cells.  I have to go back for a post-op in mid-March and then another repeat PAP a few weeks later, but so far, all’s well! 

Thanks for all your concern and your support!


4 words should be playing in your head right now…  HAHAHA!!!

Still Breathing

I had my surgery today.  It wasn’t what I expected, but I’m still in one piece.  My doctor used a combination of Lidocaine and Epinephrine (a vaso-constrictor that reduces bleeding) and I didn’t tolerate that well.  Afterwards, the nurse said, "You should have told us you don’t tolerate (those drugs) well."  My bad.  I didn’t realize I was supposed to KNOW what drugs my doctor was going to use.  I didn’t realize that it’s my job to know that even though the Lidocaine-Epi combo is not standard practice, it was going to be used for me today.  Maybe she should have been more concerned with how I was feeling and the fact that my heart didn’t explode, despite the pounding, elevation in blood pressure, and shaking!   …  Bitch!


Obviously, the epi gave me the shakes, made me feel dizzy and nauseated, made my heart pound, and made my blood pressure rise, but it wore off within an hour.  I guess you could say it wasn’t completely intolerable.  The actual "procedure" wasn’t too bad.  I just felt a tugging sensation and then a lot of heat.  I’m pretty sore, and I am very tired, but otherwise, I am okay. 

I have pretty much been in bed and on the couch all afternoon and I foresee myself there tomorrow as well.  I took 2 Tylenol, which is rare for me.  I’m not sure if it’s not helping at all, or if I would just be writhing in pain without it.  Either way, I’m going to take some more in about an hour just to make sure it wouldn’t be worse without it.  *sigh*

So yeah…  I made it through it and, so far, I am none too worse for the wear. 

Wicked Dreams

I thought I would sleep like a rock last night for a few reasons.  For one, we gave BabySan his very first taste of rice cereal last night.  For another, I took 2 Tylenol last night – something I think I have done twice before – once after each baby was born.  Also, I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I’m just worn the f*ck out…

Well, it would have been great except for the nightmares.  BabySan ate at 10 and didn’t get up until almost 3…  Granted, he didn’t go to sleep until just before midnight, but that’s better than it has been!  He got up to eat and went right back to sleep, which is also an improvement over the past month or two.  It was just the stupid dreams that ruined it all…

The theme was pretty much the same throughout all the dreams – that I die and leave DH to raise the boys alone.  Before that happens, I am sick for a very long time, and the boys have to visit me in the hospital.  They always leave in a sobbing mess, saying they wish it would just be over with, for all our sakes.  DH is seeing another woman, but very casually because he misses the companionship…  The boys start letting their grades slip…  I die and DH starts drinking heavily, Mega drops out of school and Popeye gets a girl pregnant… 

Now, I know part of those dreams was just normal parental anxiety, but part of it was my intense fear that there really is more cancer lurking in my body…  Biding its time, waiting for the opportune moment to make itself known.  It seems paranoid, I know, but you know what?  Its my health and my body, so bite me.  I’m gonna freak out a little and I think I am allowed. 

I’m not going to die.  For one thing, we know it’s there.  For another, even if we find more cancer elsewhere, I’m not a quitter and I plan to fight and pursue aggressive treatment.  Finally, I am not leaving my family!


So there, stupid dreams.  I won’t allow them to make me lose another moment of sleep. 


I finally went back to the doctor today.  I was supposed to go about 3 months ago, but with DH being out to sea, I didn’t think that was the best time.  When I went in for my 8 week post partum, they said the cancer looked like it had regressed on its own and things weren’t as bad as before.  At that time, they said a LEEP probably would not be necessary…

When I went in today, they had me scheduled to have the LEEP done…  TODAY!  WTF?  I told them I was under the impression that the surgery was not needed at the time, and that this visit was for another colposcopy.  Hmm…  We reviewed the charts…

Then we found something vewy intewesting…  My first test results said I had HPV and, hence, cervical cancer…  The second test results post baby said I did not have HPV, but still had severe dysplasia.  If you don’t know, dysplasia means "abnormal growth" which is all cancer is – an uncontrolled, overgrowth of cells.  Severe dysplasia is the step just before cancer.  SO!  What exactly is going on?

After reviewing these contradictory findings, we decided the best course was another colposcopy along with 2 seperate biopsies and a scraping of tissue to see how far/high the abnormal cells go and if indeed, it has moved back from dysplasia to cancer…

If these results also indicate I do not have HPV, they want to, more or less, invade my body.  If I don’t have HPV, my cancer did not START as cervical cancer…  Which means there is more than likely STILL cancer somewhere else in my body…  If I have HPV, it would sort of be a relief.  I would only have to treat this cancer…  Get checked every 3 months until I have 2 good years without another incident, and then every 6 months forever and ever, amen…  Not fun, but better than another type of cancer that metastasizes.

It’s been a long day.  I am very uncomfortable and rattled, but trying not to let it get to me too much.  I keep telling myself not to freak out – just to wait and see what the tests say this time around and go from there… 

But you know me…  I am a worrier.

God This Sucks.