Category: Grief

Tour de Force of Suck

It’s been a while.  The last month has been a cluster-f*ck.  Seriously.  It started with my job…  and then the hits just kept coming.  I can’t stand when people are upset with me.  I will apologize and assume blame for things that don’t belong to me just to make things right…  It doesn’t make things right, and then I feel even worse.  So while I am carrying that weight around, I see on Facebook that one of my great uncles has passed.  Now, I know most people are not terribly close to their great uncles, but this is a man I remember very fondly and am very sad to have lost touch with as I got older.  There were many factors in that, none of which matter right now, but it happened and I will miss him dearly.  He is one of few people I remember well from my childhood and I cannot recall a single negative experience with him…  I know when people die, we tend to remember only the best, but seriously, the man was awesome.  He always made me smile and his own smile wAs contagious beyond expression.  I am so sad that he is no longer among us and it breaks my heart that my own babies will never get to see that smile. 

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The Stranger

    I was lying in the grass at a park, trying to focus more on the allergic reaction the grass was eliciting and less on the weight in my heart.  A woman walked up to me with her dog.  She got so close I thought she was someone I knew.  I sat up on my elbows and raised a hand to shield my eyes from the sun.

     “Let go of your sadness. If you don’t, it will consume you. You have an amazing light. Don’t rob the world of the good you will do with that light.”

     My hand dropped.  I didn’t get a good look at her face before she turned and walked away, but I’m certain I don’t know her. I’m also certain her dog was a German Shepherd with an uncanny resemblance to my Storm.

     Thank you, Stranger. You’re right. I forget how much I have to be happy about. The sadness is so very, very heavy.

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And then there were 5…

Today is my birthday…  It’s supposed to be a happy day; it’s supposed to be a day all about me.  My family is great like that.  It really doesn’t matter how old you get, or how young you aren’t.  It’s your day.  *chuckle* Okay, it’s your week, but whatever. Despite the awesome intentions of my family, today is always a hard day…  because the day before it is the worst day of every year.

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    A client gave me a beautiful glass pendant.  It’s a heart with baby footprints.  It seems to be my lucky pendant.  I wear it to every birth, and some days, I just wear it… 

     A former doula client and friend lost her husband this week.  Their youngest, the baby I witnessed come into the world, just turned two in the middle of February.  My friend is very young, and so was her husband.  It’s just not something we think about.  It reminds me that we never know what our last words may be…  when we will see someone for the last time.  It reminds me that I am not doing a very good job of acting and speaking out of only love.  If DH were gone tomorrow, I’d have a lot of regrets.  If just about anyone I loved were gone tomorrow, I’d have more regrets than I care to mention.  My heart breaks for my sweet friend…  It doesn’t seem possible, let alone right…  I hope that she is surrounded with love, light, and support.

Today I need my footprints… and while I am grateful for the reminder to be more mindful of my actions and words, I wish it weren’t such a painful and permanent reminder.  To my friend…  You have everything you need within yourself.  You’re an amazing mother, a wonderful friend, and a vibrant soul.  When you need me, call. I will watch the children while you “lose it.”  I will bring you wine, listen and not talk, and back off when you need to be alone.  Hug those babies tight. 

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How I wish, how I wish you were here. Continue reading


I’m still waiting for someone, anyone to say that this is all a joke, or a big misunderstanding.  I keep looking at the pictures for some indication that we’ve got the wrong guy…

This is so far beyond, “This can’t be happening.” 

When your rock crumbles, where do you turn for strength?

So… Obviously I’ve not been around much.  I come to you now to update and, essentially, purge.  I may very well explode into a thousand tiny pieces if I don’t offload some of this.  *shiver*

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Yes, I know I am crazy.  I understand that the last thing I need is one more living thing who depends on me to satisfy their every need.  I know I don’t need anything else to brush, potty train, bathe, walk, or teach basic obedience.  I know all of those things…  But this is what I needed to get me through this week.  I needed something shiny and new and that demanded all of my attention because if I can stop to think about anything, it will all fall apart.  So, yes, I got a puppy.  No, she will not be returned to the shelter when the novelty wears off.  While the temporary idea is to distract me, I am very fond of animals and she has already helped Master Chief come out of his shell, which was a long-term goal.   So yes, I am crazy and I got a puppy.  Bite me.

The kids call her Kota.

It’s been a while.  I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.  As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.  Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

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Normally when I feel this way, I post to my private blog.  It's just not the sort of thing I post publically because it feels…  cheap.  I guess I am throwing it out there because, well, keeping it to myself hasn't done me any good, so I assume putting it out there can't hurt much, either.

I miss her.  I miss her so much it hurts.  I catch myself saying something she would say and I damn near burst into tears.  But, as always, I don't.  I just dummy up.  Or shut down.  It's funny.  I know DH has asked me things about her or that would turn the conversation towards her…  And I know I swore my babies would know her through me, but I have failed because I can't bring myself to talk about her.  We turn those pages too quickly in the photo albums.  Whenever we start to get too near the subject in conversation, the last thing I recall saying is, "I don't want to talk about this any more," and then it's like someone else steps in and covers for me for a minute while I collect myself somewhere else.  When I rejoin the situation, there are several minutes missing and it's like I was in a fog…  Like I just dropped in out of nowhere.  I don't think that's normal, but I must admit that I am not exactly in a hurry to do anything about it, either.  I'm not lying when I say I don't want to talk about it…  I don't.  I can't have a conversation about her without facing the fact that she isn't here…  And won't ever be here.  The past tense is a bitch.  If there were some way around it…  I might be able to talk about her…  But that past tense is a wicked, wicked thing…

I wish to The Force she were here.  I can't think of anything short of my children that I wouldn't give up to have her here…  I look at Dizzy Girl and I just ache.  Physically.  I ache.  I think about how much she looks like me and what she would think of her hair and her smile.  I think about how she would adore her toothless grin and her chubby little cheeks and her pink outfits and her bows and frills…  I think about how she won't be there for tea parties and doll houses or dance recitals….  And I think about what she will never see with the boys and how much she loved on Mega Man when we were out in California…  I just ache when I think of all the things the children are missing because of that void…

It's like a black hole for me, really.  It has gravity.  It pulls me in all the time, but pulls in pieces of other stuff, too.  We had Mega's 5th birthday party this weekend and before I could stop myself, I pulled out my phone and started to dial so she could sing to him.  Christ on crutches, I tried to call her.  I can't remember my own damn phone number half the time, but without thinking, I started to dial a number I've not called in almost 4 fucking years.  How do I do that?  How do I just block it out like that and access it without even thinking?  How for fuck's sake do I do that?  I don't even think I want to know…  And I don't care to change that, either.  I just sort of trembled and closed my phone.  I lost a few more minutes, but BFD…  I was back in my party room with 18 energetic children and no one noticed…

So I skip some beats…  So what?  I could be losing my mind, right?  I mean, I could just forget.  In this case, I don't really see an issue with my method of holding white-knuckle tight to every little thing I can get my fragile little mind to recall.  Where is the harm in that?  Sure, I can sometimes see an overlap and again, I lose afew minutes before I can get the memory out of real life…  It's like watching a movie, but instead of just the current scene, I can see a scene previous, too.  Where you should see children running in a park being watched by me, their mother, I see me running in Schiller Park being watched by her…  BFD.  No harm, no foul.  In some instance, I can't control it.  It starts and stops of its own accord and I drink it all in…  Because after that, I don't know if I can recall it again or if I will even remember what I saw when it is over.  It's like a flashback, but better.  Sometimes I can even smell things…  Like pudding.  Does anyone else remember cooking pudding on the stove?  To this day, I still prefer hot pudding to cold or room temp…  Pudding cups suck.  Gimme the real deal.

So I miss her.  And today it was so bad that I kept seeing her everywhere.  Everywhere.  It hurt.  A lot.  I hate that.  I hate that hurt and I hate that ache.  I fucking hate it.  I hate that I feel it at all.  I hate that she's not here.  I fucking hate it.  Why can't I have her back?  Better yet: why did she have to go at all?  Seriously, of all people, The Force couldn't have picked someone, anyone different?  WTF…