Same Script, Different Cast

It’s been a long 4 years…  I’ve had a baby who lights up my world but inspires so much fear and trepidation.  I’ve seen my marriage go from one of the three most stable forces in my life to a complete mess. I’ve struggled with my children to find ways to encourage them to work to the best of their abilities, and to find environments that foster their aptitude.  I’ve lost a few friends that I miss sorely. I’ve made a few new friends that I’d like to get to know better.  I’ve worked very hard in my professional life and as a volunteer in the same field.  I’ve tried very hard to become more conscientious, more present, more open-minded, and more humble…

Of the last 4 years, I spent the first 3 wondering what I had finally done to deserve such an awesome life.  It felt as though the tumblers were all finally falling into place and my hard work was paying off not only for myself, but for the people I serve and for what I hoped to accomplish…

Small and Easy

“The smallest deed is better than the grandest intention.”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men
don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
don’t want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren’t so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for
the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to
the top becuase they value quality.”

 

Give me a reason

It’s been a rough few days… There has been some good, but overall, I am still at my critical mass point. Tonight there’s been alcohol and pretty much every ounce of my self control not to cry. That whole – tapping-out-your-reserve-every-time -you-say-no thing is definitely coming in to play. I can’t say no to gluten when all my will power is being drained everywhere else. I can’t say no to alcohol when my will power is tapped out.

 

And…  I don’t sleep in new places. This inn is awesome, but I can’t sleep… and I’m alone, so that’s not helping. I tried headphones, reading, and now this…

 

Right from the start, you were a thief

You stole my heart

and I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me

That weren’t  all that pretty

And with every touch

You fixed them

Now, you’ve been talking in your sleep

Oh oh, things you never say to ME

Oh oh, tell me that you’ve had enough

Of out Love

Our Love

Just give me a reason, Just a little bit’s enough

Just a second, we’re not broken Just bent

We can learn to LOVE again

Oh, it’s in the stars,

It’s been written in  the scars on our hearts

We’re NOT broken Just bent

We can learn to love  again.

I’m sorry I don’t understand where all of these is coming from

I thought that we were fine

(Oh, we had everything)

Your head is  running wild again

My dear, WE still have everything

And it’s all in your  MIND

(Yeah, but this is happenin’)

You’ve been having real bad dreams

Oh oh, used to lie so close to me

Oh oh, there’s nothing more than empty sheets

Between our love, our love

Ooooh, our love, our love

 

I think if I could hit him, I might feel a little better, at least for the moment. And that might even enable me to sleep a bit.

 

My last bit of self control is melting… If I sleep tonight, it will be because I cried myself there.

…

This weather can go suck an egg. I need the sun to shine. When it’s dim and dark outside, it’s easier to stay in bed, or my pajamas, or both. Between yesterday’s awesome events and the current state of my life in general, today feels like one of those melodramatic soul-crushing crying days… complete with Pink Floyd soundtrack… and booze. Unfortunately for me (or perhaps, fortunately), I have too much to do, as usual. Most of the things that must be done are things I have been, or would normally look forward to. I am heading out for a working weekend retreat. The work is for a group I care deeply about – both the other women who volunteer, and the cause itself. I hope the connection and “get ‘er done” helps pull me out of this shit a bit, but even if it doesn’t, I will do my very best! I need to pack… Hard cider is already in the car, so that’s a start. I wanted to make some cookies to share… I do love cookies…

I just need a few days where nothing insane happens. Just a few, mind you. If you’ve got an in with The Force, I’d appreciate the favor. 

The 5 Love Languages

This book has been on my list for a long time… and then my marriage fell apart and it was pretty much the last thing I wanted to read. This evening I finished “The Scarlet Plague” by Jack London after just 3 sittings with it. I try to read something for leisure and not just my textbooks so that I don’t get to the point where I can’t enjoy picking up a book. I was scrolling through my list, and running my fingers over a few spines in my bookshelf, and I kept coming back to this one… So, I figured, “What the hell?”

Resolutions

I don’t believe in resolutions. You can change at any moment. So while the timing coincides, we’ll call them resolutions, but really they’re more like healthy reminders. 🙂

1. You are a motha’ fuckin’ duck. Water off your back, bitch, not skin.

2. When you do get skinned, never let ’em see you cry.

3. Sing in the shower. Who cares who’s listening.

4. Keep the batteries out of the scale. It’s been good not to report to that bitch twice a day.

5. Be honest about your feelings with a select few friends. Those that have done that for / with you are worthy of the same in return. They’re grown-ups and they can take it. If they can’t, they’ll tell you, but that’s what they’re there for – to help carry the load.

6. Let them help carry the load.

7. Let them help carry the load.

8. Never… never let *him* see you cry.

9. Anyone who sings “Little Things” to you? Run away with them and never look back… at least not for a long weekend.

2013

In case you’re wondering, I’ll be ringing it in alone. Apparently he’s going next door. He is also going to see Zero Dark Thirty with the same person he’s ringing in the new year with…  After I waited a week for him to take me to see The Hobbit. I ended up seeing it alone, just in case you were wondering about that, too. I hope the neighbor remembers that he loves meatloaf and biscuits and gravy. I hope the neighbor doesn’t mind that he would never change the sheets if left to his own devices and will take a 2+ hour bath and never scrub the tub despite being the only one in the house to use salts and oils in the tub. I hope the neighbor tries to make his birthday special, and reminds him of all the kids’ functions so he will actually show up and make an effort to be there. I hope the people and relationships he’s actually putting effort into are enough to keep him afloat when his entire life comes crashing down around him…  I hope these people are there for him when it’s my turn to have the kids for Christmas and he’s got his drunken family to spend time with. I hope these relationships are enough for him when he doesn’t pass the servicewide because he didn’t study and no one pushed him. I hoped these people are there for him when his anger about his upbringing finally makes its way to the surface and he comes apart. I really do. I hope he wakes the fuck up before he destroys everything in his path. I hope someone tells him about himself before he alienates not only his wife of almost 10 years, but his children, who see him “not loving” their mom… I hope he comes around before his babies resent him for all the hurt he caused… I will hate him. It will be the only way I can survive… and it’s creeping in. The only thing that keeps me from just breaking down and not getting out of bed is that little piece of hot, angry ember that re-ignites and burns hot everytime he hurts me… and that fuels the hate… and it’s not just a single ember now…  I’m going to hate him… and I hope that if he decides at some point that I am worth his love, he decides it before I hate him…

Pedestal

It’s amazing how you can feel so great one minute, and so horrible the next. It’s been a tumultuous week between work and home.

My Person

I miss my person. I’ve always had a person, but she’s 3,000 miles away. That’s cool. I always had a second person…  and then I didn’t any more, and I thought it would be okay… and then Dizzle got sick… and then I took on an apprenticeship… and then my marriage went into the shitter… then one kid continued to struggle in school despite new and better efforts to help him and the other one took off, furthering the derision between them… and then life just kept happening… and I didn’t have a person, a safe person, talk to and lean on.

I don’t have a person who lives just down the street that I can call, sobbing, and she just listens… and then shows up that night or that weekend with some good booze and a movie. I don’t have a person who listens and doesn’t immediately tell me where I’m wrong, but lets me be upset before laying in to me about how I could have prevented this or made it better. I don’t have a person who can say, “Well, damn…  You fucked up this time, and I know you’re mad/hurt… So!  Let’s unfuck this!”  I’m not a child. Don’t treat me as one, even if you feel I’m acting like one. I’m a fucking grown up, and whether you think I’m handling my shit or not really isn’t your call. You don’t get to tell me I’m being a baby. Maybe I’m being a baby because right now, I can’t take ONE.MORE.FUCKING.THING. Maybe I’m being a baby because right now, no one is making sure I’m okay…  While I’m worrying about everyone else being okay, even when I’m mad at them or upset with them.

 

I really need a person… Not a temporary person, or a stand-in, but an honest to The Force Person. I need someone who thinks I’m worth it…  you know, just this once.

 

And yes, I’m wallowing.  Shut up.

Welcome Home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0H3RlaQVrM

“One last kiss for you

One more wish to you

Please make up your mind [boy]…

I’d do anything for you

One last kiss for you

One more wish to you

Please make up your mind [boy]…

Before I hope you die”