It’s been a long 4 years…  I’ve had a baby who lights up my world but inspires so much fear and trepidation.  I’ve seen my marriage go from one of the three most stable forces in my life to a complete mess. I’ve struggled with my children to find ways to encourage them to work to the best of their abilities, and to find environments that foster their aptitude.  I’ve lost a few friends that I miss sorely. I’ve made a few new friends that I’d like to get to know better.  I’ve worked very hard in my professional life and as a volunteer in the same field.  I’ve tried very hard to become more conscientious, more present, more open-minded, and more humble…

Of the last 4 years, I spent the first 3 wondering what I had finally done to deserve such an awesome life.  It felt as though the tumblers were all finally falling into place and my hard work was paying off not only for myself, but for the people I serve and for what I hoped to accomplish…

And then there’s this year…

This year I’ve gotten smacked back down so many times that I wonder about just not getting up.  I’m a fighter…  So I fight for what I want.  Maybe I’m fighting for more than I deserve or for the wrong thing. Maybe I was right before…  I don’t deserve this.

No matter what I do, I can’t shake the target on my back.  So maybe I’ll just let ’em get me…

Maybe tomorrow I will want to keep fighting, or fight on another front, try a different tactic.  For now, I’m just beat.  I’m just going to snuggle my dog (who is already asleep at my feet) and hope I sleep better tonight than I did last night.  I’m going to try – just for tonight – to stop obsessing about every word, nuance, and phrase and just sleep.

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