This book has been on my list for a long time… and then my marriage fell apart and it was pretty much the last thing I wanted to read. This evening I finished “The Scarlet Plague” by Jack London after just 3 sittings with it. I try to read something for leisure and not just my textbooks so that I don’t get to the point where I can’t enjoy picking up a book. I was scrolling through my list, and running my fingers over a few spines in my bookshelf, and I kept coming back to this one… So, I figured, “What the hell?”
Category: DH
In case you’re wondering, I’ll be ringing it in alone. Apparently he’s going next door. He is also going to see Zero Dark Thirty with the same person he’s ringing in the new year with… After I waited a week for him to take me to see The Hobbit. I ended up seeing it alone, just in case you were wondering about that, too. I hope the neighbor remembers that he loves meatloaf and biscuits and gravy. I hope the neighbor doesn’t mind that he would never change the sheets if left to his own devices and will take a 2+ hour bath and never scrub the tub despite being the only one in the house to use salts and oils in the tub. I hope the neighbor tries to make his birthday special, and reminds him of all the kids’ functions so he will actually show up and make an effort to be there. I hope the people and relationships he’s actually putting effort into are enough to keep him afloat when his entire life comes crashing down around him… I hope these people are there for him when it’s my turn to have the kids for Christmas and he’s got his drunken family to spend time with. I hope these relationships are enough for him when he doesn’t pass the servicewide because he didn’t study and no one pushed him. I hoped these people are there for him when his anger about his upbringing finally makes its way to the surface and he comes apart. I really do. I hope he wakes the fuck up before he destroys everything in his path. I hope someone tells him about himself before he alienates not only his wife of almost 10 years, but his children, who see him “not loving” their mom… I hope he comes around before his babies resent him for all the hurt he caused… I will hate him. It will be the only way I can survive… and it’s creeping in. The only thing that keeps me from just breaking down and not getting out of bed is that little piece of hot, angry ember that re-ignites and burns hot everytime he hurts me… and that fuels the hate… and it’s not just a single ember now… I’m going to hate him… and I hope that if he decides at some point that I am worth his love, he decides it before I hate him…
It’s amazing how you can feel so great one minute, and so horrible the next. It’s been a tumultuous week between work and home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0H3RlaQVrM
“One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind [boy]…
I’d do anything for you
One last kiss for you
One more wish to you
Please make up your mind [boy]…
Before I hope you die”
The funny thing about time is that it’s so subjective. When you’re waiting for something you really, really want, it creeps by like an ice berg, inching towards eternity. When you’re facing something you’re terrified of, or not ready for, or just not terribly thrilled about, the hours pass like seconds and you’re running headlong with the wind pushing you. Time is a funny, funny thing…
Who knew how prophetic my senior year book quote would be?
It’s been a while. I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time. As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up. Let’s see how much I can unload before then…
So the last week or so has been incredibly rough for so many reasons. I am not typically very easy to get along with during the holidays as it is, but I make an honest effort every year for the sake of my children. Let’s just say that this year has done nothing but set me back to my incredibly Grinchy ways. Oh well. There is always next year, right? Right!
Moving on!
I think I mentioned before that I think New Year’s resolutions are lame. I aim to work year-round to improve and educate myself, so doing it once a year just seems cheesy and… perfunctory? With that being said, it seems as though the end of the year is making itself a force to be reckoned with, at least for me. It seems to be beating me over the night screaming, “Respect my authorit-AH!” So timing be damned, here I am completely re-assessing and re-vamping what I thought would be my 1 year and 5 year plans. Between not getting the scholarship I was qualified for, issues arising that I thought I’d never have to deal with, and other nonsense, my current plans simply will not get me where I want to go. In light of this realization, I find myself once again thinking carefully about where I want to be in a year, in 5 years, and how best to get there. *sigh* Tis tedious business, at times.
Here I go again!
I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people. As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it… It's purging and then I can not be angry any more… Which is always good, right?
So why am I more irritated now than when I started? Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad? In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing… But then, it's not. Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about. That takes too much energy, for one. For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse. Who needs that? Not this chick, that's for damn sure…
I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be. I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair. Still…
So here I am, stewing away… I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above… I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry. How dumb is that?!
In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked. I am mad, but it's forced. I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off… LAY-MUH.
So what purpose does your blog serve?
A Life {Extra}Ordinary 