It's completely unnatural for me to be away from my children.  I can't stand it.  It was hard enough, but now T-Rex is apparently having trouble with it, too.  I got an E-mail from my mom this morning and it just made me weep for my baby…

Okay, something has to change. The current arrangement appears to be too stressful for T-Rex. I expected Monday to be rough, but it's still rough. He started hitting me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to be here. He did the same thing with (the babysitter) Monday and today. Obviously, he is being well taken care of here, so that's not the problem. I think it's just too much change for him. He can't get adjusted. He's not sick. He's not overstimulated. He has stuff to do. He's sleeping and eating well. He's just being very defiant, crying a lot, and being just unhappy.
 
I miss them, and I can deal with that.  The first week, they seemed perfectly fine, content to spend time with their Mammy and not think twice about Mommy and Daddy, with a few exceptions.  I can't bear the idea that he's just that miserable because I'm not there for him.  When he was home this weekend, we probably spent maybe 30 waking minutes not touching each other.  There's nothing Oedipal about it, he's just very tactile and physically affectionate.  As much as it normally over-stimulates me, it was a welcome change from being home all week without him and his brother.  Even Mega Man was very generous with his affection and touch, and he's typically very hands-off!  When they left to go back, Mega seemed fine.  He was excited about it!  T-Rex, on the other hand, started crying, "Get in the car, Mommy!  Don't leave, Daddy!" as DH started to back out of the driveway…  It broke my heart, but I figured once they got there, he'd be okay…
 
For now, the tentative plan is for US to drive out there and spend weekends out there, rather than bringing them home.  For one, it's less travel for the boys.  It's about 2.5 to 3 hours one way, so 5 to 6 hours in the car Friday night, and then again Sunday evening is A LOT for the little dudes.  For two, it's less gas money.  DH has gone back to his normal work station, and it's 40+/- one way, so in addition to the drive, we're being slaughtered by fuel costs.  For three, it's less change in the routine. Whatever my mom has in place when we get there will be what we honor through the weekend.  We're hoping that by removing the travel and routine-upset, T-Rex will be better able to cope…  I just hate that I'm his Mommy, and therefore, the one who should fix it, but I'm the problem right now.  If it doesn't get better, I'm going to go against my better judgement and bring them home and if Kili comes early, she comes early.  How can I sacrifice one for the other?  After all, maybe she was trying to tell us then that she was ready… 
 
I miss those boys so very much…  I wish we were rich enough to afford a private nanny for them during the day so I could still be near them.  The house is so quiet and the sound of the fish tank used to soothe me, but now it just annoys the hell out of me because it's the only sound I hear…  I miss hearing them laugh, or even argue.  I miss telling them that they had to share, or take turns, or that, no, they would not be having a snack because they didn't finish their lunches.  I miss Mega's quick wit and ability to ask me a question that catches me off guard, even if it's about something simple like where the snail goes when the shell is empty.  I miss T-Rex's little arms suffocating me in my sleep, his crazy giggle and fearlessness.  It's just not natural to be apart…
 
*Day 60: Today, it was very hard for me to find something to be grateful for.  BUT!  I am trying to be more like my husband and see that every raincloud, no matter how leaden, has a silver lining.  SO!  I am grateful that, even though I can't be with them, my boys have somewhere safe to go during this time, and that I know they're safe and well cared for.  I am grateful that  my mom has been so willing to sacrifice her normal life to provide for them and make it easier for me to make it to 37 weeks and hopefully, give my boys a healthy sister. 
Advertisements