Category: Put Your Past Behind You


It’s been a while.  I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.  As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.  Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

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        So there's this person that I really miss.  Like, I think about them all the time, and what we'd probably be doing or planning to do, the things we'd laugh about, and just what a hole there is without this person…  I can see this goofy grin that they have in my head, and when I hear something that I think we'd have laughed about, it pops into my head…  And there are other people that make think about them all the time, too… 

          And I kinda' feel like it's as simple as a phone call and an apology, even if I don't really feel like I am the one who should make that move.  At this point, the absence is hurting more than "swallowing my pride" and conjuring up that apology would.  If that's what this person needs, I can "take one for the team" for the sake of fixing things.  But then…  Seeing that I sorta' tried that recently with someone else who acted like they very much wanted to have some semblance of a relationship again, and it didn't work out, I'm in the boat I always seem to be in – I ask why I should bother when I know I will just get hurt again…

          So I don't know what to do…  Because I know if I call and they don't answer, I'll be done.  I won't even rationalize enough to think that maybe they were just busy, had their hands full, or didn't hear the phone ring.  And I won't leave a message because then I'll wonder if they're making fun of me, or thinking that I'm pathetic…  And even that's not fair because if I really thought this person was like that, I wouldn't want them back so badly but then, I never thought anything would go down the way it did, especially because this person was involved, so maybe I was wrong about them all along anyway…

          I wonder how they're doing…  I wonder if that *one* thing ever played out, or if they stuck to it and let it go…  I wonder if they think about me, too…  And I wonder if it hurts them…  Not because I want it to, but…  Aw, hell I don't know.

I have always hated the "sins of the father" thing.I don't think it's fair for children to be punished for their parents' wrongs.I guess, though, in some cases, that's sort of unavoidable.

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    You may have noticed (if you have speakers, and they are turned on when you visit my site) that I change my starting song very frequently.  This is because music can make me change my mood, or it can be a very frank reflection of my mood.  In this case, it’s the latter.  If you don’t have speakers, this is what you would hear if you did.


I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe

And I can’t ask for things to be still again
No I can’t ask if I
could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides
And everything sees
I’m counting the signs and cursing the miles in between

Home

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you

I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe
I’m alright, I’m alright
It only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
Yeah, it only hurts when I breathe, when I breathe
Oh, it only hurts when I breathe


 


Some things don’t hurt at all any more, some things hurt less, and some things still hurt like they’re fresh…  And sometimes, people pour salt in the wound…  And I am jusfine, thank you.  It only hurts when I breathe.

Maybe it’s because I moved around a lot as a kid and never really had those, “I grew up with them,” friends, but maybe not…  If a freaking lion can set aside instinctive avoidance behavior to love up on humans, why is it so hard for some people to let things go?  We’re not talking about forgiving people for murder or cheating with your husband…  Why is it that some people can just walk away, not feeling a thing but righteousness, and not looking back?  I don’t get it…  I think I’d like to be reincarnated as a lion, though.


          I used to be a person who don’t let things go easily.  It took me a while, I won’t lie.  Even then, when I finally let something go, it was usually for good.  I got to a point in my life a few years ago where it just dawned on me.  Why carry around things that bother you when nothing will change?  You’re bearing a needless burden and no one is suffering but you.  After that little epiphany, it got a little easier to let things go, or to at least get past them without looking back at them every day, wondering if I did every thing I could or if I was right to walk away in the first place. 


          There are maybe…  2 or 3 things in my life that I haven’t let go of yet.  Believe me, that’s progress.  Of the things I’ve previously set free, there are 2 huge ones that I thought I would never release.  When I sat down and really looked at it, I still came to my original conclusion – Why bother?  I’m struggling to get through each day because of that?!  Let it go.  Take a deep breath, and let it go.


          When things bother me now, I’m pretty much over it in a day or two.  I have too many other things I could be doing with my time and energy to let someone or something upset and consume me for too long.  I have children who need a present mother, a husband who needs and deserves an attentive wife, and friends and family who have already put up with enough sh*t from me to walk on eggshells forever.  I let things go.  I feel no sense of entitlement or that I deserve certain things.  I still look at some people and wonder what they did to deserve their lives, but even then, I don’t stay angry about it the way I used to.  We all get what’s coming to us. 


          For better or worse, we all get what we deserve.  When I get sh*t handed to me, I still get upset, sure, but I also think, “I pissed someone off, didn’t I?”  At this point in my life, I think my karmic check book is about balanced.  I’ve had a lot of sh*t handed to me in 24 years.  Some sh*t was more serious than others, but it all shaped me.  It all molded me in some way – better or worse.  I carried some sh*t further than other sh*t.  I didn’t deal with some sh*t as well as others.  Sometimes I even blamed the sh*t that was handed to me for other sh*t that was going on.  *shrug*  One way or another, it got dealt with.  Sometimes I created more karmic debt because of the way I handled my sh*t, but other times, I felt like I worked off some debt, too.


            When I think about karma, I really do think about it like a checkbook.  I used to feel like I was constantly running in the red no matter what I did.  In retrospect, a lot of that was my attitude, but I think I was born with a huge debt, too.  I must not have been a very nice person in my past life, because I chose/was placed upon a very hard path to tread.  I am at a point now where I feel like my column has been made more than even, and I’m writing my balance in black.  I’m not saying I don’t screw up or my life is all blessed and no bothers, but for the most part, I feel like I’m in a much better place.  I know who stands where – my side, no man’s land, or the Other Side.  I know who I can call 24/7, and who I can only call when I’m happy.  I know who loves my family and who just tolerates us. 


          I know where I stand because I created this place; I brought myself here.  It’s a pretty peaceful feeling to think you’re no longer running in the red.  I used to feel like I was just waiting for the next Karmic b*tch slap, but now I just sort of sit back, thinking if the sh*t hits the fan, it’s just another chance to increase my good karma. 


          Perspective…  I kept hearing it was all about perspective, but I think I finally get it.  You don’t have to be a ray of sunshine all the damn time, but not thinking the entire world is against you certainly doesn’t hurt.  Perspective, ya’ll… 

I made DH read The Pillars of the Earth.  Figures, he would love it, but use it against me.  He says that, like Aliena, I have walls.  I thought I let them all go, but it’s recently become obvious that I didn’t do as great a job of that as I had thought.  Where I might have had a fortress, now I have a castle and treat every day and every potential relationship as if I am riding into battle – charging in on my war horse, full body armor, shield at the ready, sword drawn, dagger sheathed, and ninja stars poised for action!  Here’s what DH said to me, with some minor things left out for my own privacy’s sake…

"…Physical contact is definitely one. Other than that it’s mostly little things. It seems like when it’s something important, you have trouble talking to me. You either keep things bottled up or you feel you have to share them with someone like Nae or even Judy. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk to me about ANYTHING. I don’t think I have ever been insensitive when it comes to a serious issue. Also you don’t like your friends to get so close. That one is a little harder to explain but it is something I noticed you do even with LRRH. You say you’re best (east coast) friends and I mean, I believe you, but you still have a wall, more so when you’re upset with her. I need a specific situation to explain it and I don’t have one. You seem to get upset with her even in situations where she would do something that you would do or have done in the same predicament. The easiest of these to point out would be going out / you being blown off. She may say I’m tired/ my back hurts/ I have a headache, and you automatically say, "Man she is blowing me off." Only once in a great while do you consider the things she says as legitimate excuses. I guess the easiest way to sum up your wall is that you take everything personally. People love you because you are real with them and they know where they stand with you. You still think because of being hurt in the past that people are still trying to hurt you intentionally. I hate to say that is not the case and that mentality keeps you from being closer to others. Now unfortanetly, if you drop that wall some one will undoubtedly hurt you again. All I can say baby, is that is a part of life. Picking yourself up afterwards and relying on those around you who are truly your close friends to carry you through the hard times is what life is about and that is what makes those life long good memories for you to hang on to. There is peace time and war time.  By all means carry a shield and sword during war, but life is going to be very hard if you carry it during peace times also……… Whoa what just happened, I was sitting down to type you a letter and I think I blacked out. When I came to all that stuff was on my screen.

Baby, this in no way an attack on you, I am simply relaying some feedback. Hopefully it was insightful and not hurtful. Please write me back and talk when you get a chance."

Do I have the best effing husband ever, or what?  He’s right, too…  I have some serious issues…  Subscriptions even!  I guess when someone spells it out like that for you, it’s hard to ignore.  He’s right – THOTM is that I have let people treat me too roughly in the past and I blame people in the present.  I hold them accountable and keep them at a distance because not only do I hold them accountable for previous wrongs, but I expect them to do the same in the future.  It’s not fair, and while I may avoid some hurt, I am sure I am keeping some wonderful things out as well…

Having bad things happen in the past doesn’t seem you should close your eyes to the future…

I’ll work on those walls…  But man, that’s a lot of stonework to take down… 

          ***Warning: I am working out some serious shit in my head, so skip this post if you’d rather not read some random, crazy shit.  You’ve been warned.***

          That little pull that I felt while reading Tending Roses is trying to get its claws on me again as I read Fried Green Tomatoes.  I just got to the part where Ruth died and Evelyn went to a Baptist church, and me, the frigid ice-queen, stone-cold hearted mega biotch cried.  I didn’t bawl or anything, but I cried.  Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know that I am still not going over to the dark side of The Force.  I still deny like crazy and G-d and I are still not on speaking terms.  I won’t be easily swayed, I tell you!  You can’t coerce me with cancer-caused deaths of my favorite literary characters!  You can’t tell me to give my burdens to G-d and that every thing will be all peace and rainbows and tiger lilies if I just waltz back to my church and ask G-d to take it all for me…  Sheesh…

         

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          Every now and then, I get an E-mail asking about Gram.  I started this blog before Gram passed, so I have added some posts from my old blog to give you a more complete picture.  If you’re also curious, you can click the "Grief" category on the right and scroll down to the bottom.  Read up and you’ll get every thing I have written on the subject, including the date it was originally written, so you can see how things progressed (or didn’t).  Just thought I’d point that out…

One of the better posts

It’s so dumb that Grey’s Anatomy can prompt this…  Seriously, I get that…  But it doesn’t change that it did prompt it…

I should have been there.  I shouldn’t have come home to begin with.  I should have sucked it up…  I should have just put on my big girl panties and dealt with it…  I should’ve been there…

See, this is why it’s hard for me to get close to people.  I’m just going to lose you anyway…  If it seems like you’re going to stick around, I do just about anything and everything I can to push you away…  I thought I had gotten over that, but it seems like that part of me is back in full effect…  I don’t want people to get close to me so they can hurt me and leave me…  I’d just rather be alone and guarded…  Or some bullshit…

It’s yesterday…  and it’s today…  and it’s last March…  and it’s last week and it’s last month and it’s today again and it just never goes away.  It still isn’t any easier.  I still can’t cry because that makes it real.  You’re not on vacation.  You’re not on hiatus.  You’re not taking it easy.  I was trying to find a way to say it without saying it, but it’s stupid.  You’re dead.  You really are…  It doesn’t matter how gently I phrase it or how many times I dance around it.  You’re dead.  It’s not going to change.  It’s not going to magically reverse itself.  There’s no delete button.  There’s no re-set.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.00, go directly to jail…  In my case, directly to hell for leaving you…  For not just standing up and taking it like I should.  I thought it would be easier by now.  Not over, but easier…  It’s not.  I still miss you just as much today as I did March 6th…  Actually, I miss you more today.  I wish even harder that you were still here.  I look at the boys and I wish you could see them.  I wish you could hug them and kiss them and hear them laugh and watch them play.  I want you to tell me how much they remind you of your boys and the crazy things they did together and to each other.  I want you to tell me I’m being too hard on him and that’s he’s only two.  I want to trace the veins on the backs of your hands.  I want to put Mega on the phone and let him talk to you.  I want to get your late cards in the mail.  I want to plan a flight out there to see you again with the boys.  I want the boys to know Gigi.  I want to help you make scotcheroos.  I want to hear you singing to yourself while you’re ironing.  I want to see you bite your lip when you work on the crossword…  I just want you to be here!  DAMMIT!  I just want you to be here.  I just want you to be here.  I just need you to be here.  I need you to be here.  I need you to be here.  Now.  With me.  I need you here.  I need you.  I hid the picture on my desk because it made my eyes sting every time…  every time…  It’s not enough.  Pictures just aren’t enough.  I watched the video and damn near destroyed it because it was mocking me.  It was mocking me…  "This is all that’s left.  You shouldn’t have left.  This is all that’s left.  You shouldm’t have left."  It’s your voice and your face, but it’s not…  It’s never going to be enough…  and it’s all that’s left…

Solitude

"She said I feel stranded and I can’t tell anymore if I’m comin’ or I’m goin’ it’s not how I planned it  I got a key to the door but it just won’t open I know I know I know part of me says let it go  that life that happens for a reason I don’t I don’t I don’t ’cause it never worked before but this time this time I’m gonna try anythign that just feel better tell me what to do you know I can’t see through the haze around me and I’ll do anythin’ to just feel better and I can’t find my way God I need a change yeah and I’ll do anything that just feel better any little thing that just feel better she said I need you to hold me I’m a little far from the shore and I’m afraid of sinkin’ you’re the only one who knows me and who doesn’t ignore that my soul is weeping I know I know I know part of me says let it go everything must have its season round and round it goes and every day’s the one before but this time, this time, I’m gonna try anything that just feels better tell me what to do you know I can’t see through the haze around me and I’ll do anythin’ to just feel better and I can’t find my way God I need a change and I do anything that just feels better I’m tired of holdin’ on to all the things I oughta’ leave behind it’s really gettin’ lonely and I think I need a little help this time  yeah  I’m gonna try anything that just feel better  tell me what to do you know I can’t see through the haze around me and I do anything that just feel better and I can’t find my way God I need a change and I do anything that just feel better any little trhing that just feel better…"  (Santana and Aerosmith – Just Feel Better)