Archive for October, 2012

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“One last kiss for you

One more wish to you

Please make up your mind [boy]…

I’d do anything for you

One last kiss for you

One more wish to you

Please make up your mind [boy]…

Before I hope you die”



The funny thing about time is that it’s so subjective.  When you’re waiting for something you really, really want, it creeps by like an ice berg, inching towards eternity.  When you’re facing something you’re terrified of, or not ready for, or just not terribly thrilled about, the hours pass like seconds and you’re running headlong with the wind pushing you.  Time is a funny, funny thing…

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Who knew…

Who knew how prophetic my senior year book quote would be?

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Dont’ Ask, Don’t Tell

If you really don’t want to know what’s wrong, please stop asking.  I feel like a broken record…  But you keep asking, though I’ve asked repeatedly for you to stop.  You don’t really want to know what’s wrong.  You’ve demonstrated that multiple times.  When I do explain what’s wrong, you say we’re talking in circles, and we’re too different.  Fine.  Stop giving the same responses, or the lack thereof, and things will change.  Definition of insanity, anyone?

What’s wrong is that I thought I married someone very, very different.  People change, but had I ever imagined you’d change in a way that would devastate me, I’d never have promised to spend my life with you.  For example, had I ever envisioned your “confidence” would make me feel 2 inches tall, I’d never have stuck around.  I have had more than enough of men making me feel insignificant, unimportant, undesireable, small, weak, and overall “less.”  I really have no desire to make a concerted effort to keep that in my life.  No one can make you feel insignificant but you, blah blah blah, but really, that’s never going to be the case for me.  But there’s one crucial differene in our behaviors – that has always been the case for me. That is not a new development – my self-esteem has never come from my self.  Period.

I don’t want you to ask me what’s wrong because I know the answer will lead to a fight in which I continue to feel defeated, worthless, lonely, and profoundly sad.  I don’t want you to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t want it to be wrong.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I don’t want you to feel the way you do.  I don’t want to think the thoughts I think.  I don’t want any of this.  I want what we were and what I thought we had before all this…  But I want an active partner who wants all those things, too.  I want someone who will actively engage in a discussion when he disagrees, and not keep his mouth shut so he doesn’t make me mad.  You don’t agree with me?  Fine!  Super!  But if you want your thoughts and feelings to be considered, you need to share them with honesty, and when it comes to things that need more than feelings (like you know, where our kids go to school and vaccines and health care decisions), I need you to actually DO THE WORK to make the decision, and not just disagree and resent me.  I need someone to help me shoulder the weight when things go wrong and not just sit next to me.  I can get a dog to do that…


So please don’t ask me what’s wrong…  because I won’t tell you.  It should be obvious, it’s been discussed, and unless you’re willing to be completely honest, the answers won’t change, and feelings will continue to be hurt.  Period.

One of my Turns

“Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You’ll find my favorite axe.
Don’t look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.”

I really do think I can take just about anything…  When I know what I’m taking.  So slough off whatever you can’t bear, and whether it’s mine or yours, I will carry it all…  Not because it’s right, but because I can’t keep up this fight.  I just need direction…  floating aimlessly in the storm is making the captain of the well-weathered boat weary…  Even if it’s not your harbor, just tell me where I’m going…  and I can chart a new course and though it may not be the course of my heart, I can follow it just the same…


Keep walking…

I don’t know why I insist on holding tight to those that are obviously walking around from me.  I was talking to Derry, and the only thing I can come up with is that I am fiercely loyal, and despite a 99% failure rate of reciprocity for said loyalty, I still hope and expect it in return. Why the hell do I do that?

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