Category: Save the Drama for yo' Mama!


If we only hung out with people we like *everything* about, who would we have to learn from?

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Just because I love you doesn’t mean I have to let you make me feel bad, or consistently disappoint and let me down. Before you can love anyone the way they deserve to be loved, you have to love yourself. I love myself and you enough to back off. You hurt me, disappoint me, and make poor decisions for yourself that quite often require help from myself and others, though reciprocity is not part of your vocabulary. After a while, as much as I love you, and love to help, it grows tiresome. When you continually take from me, and give nothing in return, I’d like to know how you think I rebuild myself. I have an amazing family, but it’s not fair to burden them and expect them to replace all that you take. What does that leave me to give them? When I bend over backwards to make myself available, keeping my family in a holding pattern, in limbo, and then you decide it wasn’t important to you after all, where does that leave me and my family? How do you think that makes me feel when that behavior is a pattern for you? I love you, but I love me, too. I love my family and I cannot continue to sacrifice myself and my family for those who fail to reciprocate. Don’t tell me you appreciate it… reciprocate. Once in a blue moon, reciprocate.

I’ve been here before and here I am again… If it happens once, shame on you. Now it’s shame on me. I let it go because I thought I was being too sensitive and failing to see your side, or failing to allow for those times when others need us to do more for them than they can for us. Now I see that this is who you are, this is what you do, and this will not change. I will continue to love you, but not in the ways I have in the past. If I can help, I will. I will no longer change my plans to accomodate you, put my family on the back burner to be there at a moment’s notice, or find a quiet place when you call. If I have the time, you are welcome to it, but none will be created for you. I love you, but I love me and my family, too.

SSDD

All through high school, I remember thinking, “One day, I won’t have to worry about this any more because everyone will grow up!”  What a silly notion that turned out to be! 

Some people, for better or worse, just never change.  There will always be the people who talk nasty about you behind your back while smiling to your face, though you’ve never done a mean thing to them.  There will always be people who give of themselves far more than they ever receive in return simply for the betterment of everyone around them.  There will always be people who cannot see the forest for the trees – no matter how horrible or wonderful a situation is, they will never be able to appreciate it for themselves before it is too late.  There will always be people to look up to, to aspire to emulate, and who inspire te best in you. 

When every day of you life seems to same, and you’re unhappy about it…  When drama seems to follow you everywhere, and you find yourself in the center of it more often than not…  Perhaps it’s time to change to change the record and dance to a different beat!  Here’s to learning a new groove!

First, happy 2010.

Now that the touchy-feely stuff is out of the way…

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Still…

So very, very angry.  I haven't been this upset in a long time.  I went to bed saying I would sleep it off; in the light of day, I told myself, things would look different and I would find my anger either gone, or dissipating rapidly.  None of that happened.  I woke up just a spot less angry than when I actually fell asleep.  Things do look different, but they look worse.  I've had more time to think, which is almost always bad for me.  The more I think about it, the more I think you are ungrateful, and it's no wonder you feel as though your entire life has been ruined by others, and has nothing to do with your own behaviors or actions.  You can't just take help for what it is: my gift of time, talent, or whatever it is that I can spare.  You just want me and everyone else to do it all for you, rather than accepting what we have to offer and making the rest of it work out through your own efforts, contributions, and works.  It's ridiculous.  I can't imagine never knowing the pride of hard work and my own finished product.  DH and I struggle, but we own a house.  We bought a house a few weeks after my 24th birthday.  On a single income.  In a decent neighborhood.  DH and I struggle, but we are sending our children to good schools.  DH and I struggle, but we are 2.5 years away from paying off a 6 year loan and we're doing it 6 months early.  I'd rather get my ass kicked and do it all on my own, or with as little help as possible, than to look back and wonder what it would have taken to do it on my own.  I'd rather feel like my ass is being handed to me when I write checks for bills every month than to feel as though I owe every person I know…  I realize that this is just a personal preference and not a right or wrong issue, but because it is so huge for me, I just don't see how I can ever overlook these qualites in you to be your "friend."  I am friend with many people whom I am quite different from, but on the stuff that really matters to me, we have more in common than not.  Self-sufficiency is a big deal to me.  Would I let my children go hungry or default on my mortgage before I asked for help?  Of course not.  I have more pride than I know what to do with, unfortunately, but I will never be too proud to let my children suffer because of my pride.  What I will do before I ask for help is everything I can think of – work another job, sleep less, whatever.  Where my children are concerned, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.  But I hope that in my efforts to be a good provider, I show them that hard work pays off.  Not only do you get the job done, you get the satisfaction of having done a good job for yourself.  I will never let them think that it is okay to rely solely on others to meet their own needs.  There will always be unforeseen circumstances, but that doesn't include things like big school projects, mortgage payments, etc.  Asking for someone to bail you out of those situations is just lazy.  That's not okay.  When others can't or won't help you, or can't / won't help you the way you want them to (though it may be the way you need, or just not to the extent that you would like), it doesn't mean you have the right to spit in their faces.  Help is a gift.  Appreciate it.  Abuse it, and it's biting the hand that feeds you.  Not smart…  Not smart at all…

*Day 90: I am grateful that I am not the person I used to be.  The person I used to be would not have held her tongue, would not have given it extra time, and would not have refrained from resulting to physical force.  The person I used to be would not have cared that children were present, nor would she have cared about the resulting opinions and feelings about her and her actions had she let her anger get the best (or worst) of her…  I am grateful for the control I have learned to wield over my temper, however strained and tested that control may be…  The point is that it is still there, and for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

     When you push your way into my home, though I have made it clear that this is not a good time, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you show up several hours after the agreed upon time, after I made room in my day to acommodate you, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you stay beyond reasonable hours, after my children have gone to bed, and into the wee hours of the morning, though you know I have to get up at the crack of dawn with energetic children, and a long trip ahead, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you try to pit my husband against me with manipulative language, you are being disrespectful as well as deceitful. 

     We have not spoken in years.  It was presumptuous of you to call me for help as it was.  When I explained why I could not help you at the time, you pushed and pushed.  Help should be given willingly, not grudgingly.  When I did open my door, you walked through it well after the agreed upon time and stayed past midnight.  When did that become acceptable behavior?  When did it become okay to make your problem an issue for someone else?  When did it become okay to blame someone for your shortcomings when they could not or would not help you get out of a mess YOU created?  

     I am just wondering what I missed here.  Everyone but me seems to think that your behavior is acceptable and that I am overlooking your "obvious" respect for me and the way I live my life.  I must have missed something because I would not behave this way toward someone I respected…

   When I should be as giddy as a child on Christmas Eve, I am so furious that I actually contemplated an assault charge.  When I should have been home, playing with my children and spending time with my husband, I was out, avoiding you.  When I should have been free to come home and enjoy my last several hours with my family, I was fuming, wondering what made you think 10, 11, and even 12 AM were suitable hours for you to be in my home.  I will be away from my family for over a week, and when I could have been home getting in my last hours of snuggles and giggles, I was trying to keep my blood from boiling and my head from exploding. 

     We will never be friends.  I don't respect you.  Before I formed an opinion about you, I did every thing I could to keep an open mind and get to know you.  Every encounter I have had with you has made me want to wash my hands of you.  I have never had a pleasant time with you.  I have never had a reasonable conversation with you.  I have no desire whatsoever to be friends with you.   I have no regret that our relationship got off to the start that it did, and no regrets about the way we have progressed in our non-relationship together.  I was perfectly content when there was little to no contact between us and I sincerely hope that after this incident, it goes back to that.

         *Day 89: I am grateful for time away.  My hair is falling out because I am so stressed and I hope that, despite Kili being with me, the time away from pretty much everything that has anything to do with my daily life, will do me some good and allow me to come home feeling refreshed, able to look at things in a different, more productive light, and allow me to once again be the mom I liked being.

     I have another aunt.  My maternal grandmother had a baby while she was in the hospital in 1986.  She gave the baby up for adoption, and that baby has been found.  She's 2 years younger than me, seems very down to earth and is really pretty.  My mom tracked her down and she's excited to meet her family… 

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I recently booked a flight through Expedia.  I was going to be my best friend's wedding, and only after mentioning my excitement to my care providers did they inform me that flying so close to delivering my daughter would be unsafe.  When I contacted Expedia and your airline about changing the ticket to my husband's name, the request was denied.  I didn't want a refund – I would send someone else in a seat that was already paid for…  When that was denied, I submitted letters from my care providers stating the risk to my health and even my life, and the request for a refund was still denied.  I wonder how your customers would feel if they knew your policies regarding refunds and alterations to ticket information were set this way.  I wonder how they would feel knowing you'd rather see someone get on a plane and hemorrhage than to refund their money – especially when the current prices for that flight are $397.00 and I paid more than $100.00 less.  You would literally turn a profit from refunding my fare…  Even to put my measly $225.00 ticket price toward a future flight on your airline, you will charge me $150.00, or two thirds of my original ticket price.  I must have missed how that was a service or convenience to me.  I realize I purchased a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket.  However, I did not realize that purchase meant I should have consulted my crystal ball to ensure no medical or other complications would mean risking my life to travel.  "The best you could do" was offer credit towards a future flight if I booked and travelled directly through Delta before year's end and if I submitted further paperwork which you found suitable.  Seeing how suitable you found my original request, though it met every need you set forth, I will not be holding my breath for your "credit."  I will also not be travelling with your airline in the future.

Not only am I not able to attend my best friend's wedding, or send my husband, now I am apparently out $225.00 unless I can find a time later in the year when DH can get leave to care for the boys, and I can find another ticket close to the same price range…  Considering DH has just under 100 days of earned leave on the books, I think you can all guess how often he gets to take leave and what my chances are of actually being able to fly to California (or anywhere) before year's end.  Not only am I furious over the loss of the money, I am appalled by their apparent lack of concern for the safety of their passengers.  The letter my care providers sent them clearly stated massive hemorrhage, shock, and possibly even death could ensue should I step foot on that flight.  Marvelous, really.  Have a wonderful day, Delta Airlines!

*Day 69: I am grateful for disposable Kleenex.  My nose is quite sore and my eyes have not stopped running for a few hours now…  What wonderful things these tissues are!

          I'm all for a good debate…  Usually.  What I don't like is when comments that are perhaps meant to be a statement of fact are said in a manner which is hurtful to the other party.  Varying view points are what make the world go round – if I can't find a solution, perhaps you can because you see the problem differently than I do.  What does not sit well with me if when the opposing view points are not said with care, when there is obvious disrespect for the others' views and the lifestyle they lead because of these views…

          It's come to my attention that this election is even more heavily weighted than I initially feared.  It is tearing friends and families apart because in a crisis, everyone wants resolution and when you can't agree about the best course of correction, people obviously become passionate.  Again, not a bad thing in and of itself.  It becomes harmful when our passions lead us to trample on the thoughts and feelings of others.  It becomes harmful when it leads people to assume debasing things about others.  I may not agree with you, nor be able to see where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do, but that doesn't invalidate your feelings.  For me to try to convince you that your thoughts and feelings are invalid is detrimental not only to you, but myself…

          For this reason, I am stepping back.  I'll probably still blog about my political leanings and convictions, but it will no longer be a topic of conversation except amongst a very small, select circle.  Not everyone in the circle will agree, but everyone will respect.  I am hoping this approachwill serve as damage control for myself, as well as those I love…  It's the ties that bind that are most important…  But sometimes it's important to take stock of your differences and evaluate whether or not those differences are stronger than your ties…  And for me, now is not the proper time for that evaluation.

I have always hated the "sins of the father" thing.I don't think it's fair for children to be punished for their parents' wrongs.I guess, though, in some cases, that's sort of unavoidable.

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