The funny thing about time is that it’s so subjective.  When you’re waiting for something you really, really want, it creeps by like an ice berg, inching towards eternity.  When you’re facing something you’re terrified of, or not ready for, or just not terribly thrilled about, the hours pass like seconds and you’re running headlong with the wind pushing you.  Time is a funny, funny thing…

So you need time…  I get it.  But so do I. You need time to figure out what you want and where you want to end up.  While really, really hard on me, I get it.  Intellectually, I really do get it. Emotionally, it’s more of a struggle, but I am trying. While you want me to give you time, you have to give me time, too. You have to give me time to get used to the fact that I thought I had a happily ever after marriage, and I may not. You have to give me time to get used to the idea that I’m not as perfect for you as I thought I was, as I have tried to be, and as I want to be. You have to give me time to get used to the fact that we might still be together in 5 years, but that there is a lot of work needing to be done before that’s a possibility, or that you might not be interested in staying at all.

For me, the days are eternities. I want to fast-forward to when you know…  Even if you end up coming to the conclusion I am dreading most…  And for you,it’s probably an eternity, too. You keep saying you hate seeing me like this.  Well, guess what? I hate feeling like this! I hate not knowing whether or not my husband wants to continue being my husband. I hate not knowing whether or not you mean it when you kiss my forehead, or if it’s part of the “Fake it ’til you make it,” gig we keep talking about. I hate trying to figure out if you’re really content with dinner and whatever else, or if you’re just trying to avoid a fight.

While we’re at it, it seems like forever between your questioning and my lack of answering when you ask what’s wrong…  Stop asking why I’m upset! I feel like we keep covering that…

So time is a funny thing, but it’s really cruel sometimes, too.  There’s never enough when you need it, and always too much when you don’t want it.  I said it a few days ago, and I’ll say it again…  Use the time you have wisely. Something’s broken?  Spend all your time fixing it, and none of your time lamenting and regretting. You never know which second, which minute, which hour… will be your last chance.

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