Who knew how prophetic my senior year book quote would be?

If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies
But I believe that I could be the one you’re needing
Cause I’m

Only lonely on the inside
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

And I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and I will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same time
Would your world skip a beat cause it was me

If we could share our life would I disappoint your memories
And I believe that you could be the one I’m needing and I’m

Only lonely on the inside
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your treasures
Don’t you think that I would change my world
But there’s so many things trying to pull us together
And even though we’re far apart

I can still watch you walk away…

So much that I gotta say…

Only lonely on the inside
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes

What do you see

Only lonely on the inside
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams
I’m only lonely on the inside
In your deepest thoughts

What do you see

Only lonely on the inside
I didn’t mean, I didn’t mean, to steal your dreams away
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes

In your deepest thoughts…

Do you see me

Only lonely on the inside…”

 

I am lonelier now than I have ever been…  My best friend lives 3,000 miles away, and while nothing new, it’s painfully evident at the moment.  We didn’t live close to each other for long, and before now, the distance never bothered me.  She’s only a phone call away, and she’s always got good answers; even when it’s not what I want to hear, it’s what I need to hear.  But now she’s got her own stuff, bighuge stuff going on, and I want to be there for her without trying to drown her with me…  and that makes each of those miles seem like a thousand in and of themselves.  I can’t just drive over and sit and watch bad TV with her while we both try to forget our stresses for a bit.  It sucks.

The biggest source of my loneliness (although you could argue it’s me), is DH.  He’s not who he used to be.  He doesn’t feel the same way about me.  And he’s not sure he can or wants to…  And I’m supposed to wait patiently for him to figure out if he even wants to try to feel that way again… Patience is a virtue I don’t have.  I think it’s incredibly unfair to ask someone to wait for you to decide if you want to be with them.  After 10 years, how do you not know?  Even if you can say you want to stay together, but things need to change – SUPER!  Tell me what to work on!  I’ve built my life around you…  and now you’re just not interested.  I’m “an amazing person” but not amazing enough for you to be with… It’s so very isolating to think that one or two people I thought would never hurt me, never leave me alone, and was actually capable of loving me just as I was, am, and will be, has no interest in me…  If I had walls before, I am certainly reinforcing them now.  What’s the point in ever letting anyone get anywhere near me after all this?

I’m not trying to be melodramatic.  I’m serious.  What on earth would possess me to ever think about letting someone else in?  I can devote 10 years to trying to memorize your favorite cakes and frosting flavors, your favorite dinners, the smells you like, and what kinds of clothes to buy you…  I can try to make your coffee and plan family trips and my family treats you like you’ve been one of us all along… and you can just walk away…  And you can’t even understand why I have to hate you after all that…  If it goes down like this, I have to hate you to survive.  I have to hate you because it hurts too much to love you and not be loved in return.  I have to hate you because if I don’t, you will destroy me.

I want you to be happy.  I do.  More than anything… but I never would have married you if I thought your happiness would require me not being in the picture.  I never would have had children with you if I had thought that you’d come to a place where you were so different that you couldn’t look at me with love with more meaning beyond the bearer of your offspring.  I never would have married you if I thought my feelings would change so drastically that I wouldn’t even want to try to find a new love and happiness with you.

 

Whatever this is…  I hope you get through it.  You will have to in order to be whole and happy.  I hope that when you do, I’m still here and I’m still capable and willing and wanting to love you the way I always have.  I hope that you welcome it, and return it the way you used to.  But if you can’t…  You can’t.  And I hope you can accept what that will do to me and the way I feel about you.

“I’m only lonely on the inside.”

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