It’s been a while.  I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.  As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.  Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

1.  Has it really been 4 years?  That’s a long vacation…  You can come back any time, you know…  That stings…  Guess we will leave this one alone for a bit.  (Wonder how many more times I can do this neat little trick?)

2.  While we’re on the subject, I have an awesome poker face.  Srsly.  I mean, a few people know I am having a rough time, but if they could have seen me in the car yesterday, I think they may have tried to have me committed.  My mental jury is still out on whether or not this is a good thing.

3.  I have lost my doula confidence.  I have been trying to get it back, but I must say it took another devastating blow today.  I still can’t believe I said that, but if 3 people heard it, it must have come from my mouth.  It’s not something I would say, nor is it even something I would think and not say, so I am really struggling with it.  It’s “okay,” and has been dealt with, but I can’t let it go.  I feel as though I need to write a letter of apology and since I don’t know who heard it, I can’t.  This should fester nicely for a while…  Perhaps I will put off submitting my re-certification paperwork…  just for a bit.

4.  I can’t doula for friends.  I can’t seperate professional and personal as well as I thought I could.  This is a realization from #3.  I plan to be there for a friend’s successful second VBAC and my Nae, but I can’t do it any more.  That hurts.  A lot.

5.  I know we all work hard and most of us feel under-appreciated, but srsly.  I want to smack the ever-loving crap out of you right now.  Of all the things to say / do, really?  REALLY?!

6.  My fish tank isn’t green any more.  That seems like a simple thing, and really, in the grand scheme of things, it is.  It, however, makes me very happy and brings me several deep, slow breaths throughout the day and I should think anyone with children, or even a certain level of frustration in their lives, can understand what that can do for you.  Awesome.

7.  Some people need to grow up.  The world does not revolve around you.  There are people who need more attention and just more in general.  Get a grip, get a hobby, and get some perspective before you say or do anything else!

8.  Where am I? Somewhere under all this, there is still a me who knows what she is capable of, who is confident, though not cocky about her strengths, and who knows this is where she belongs.  She knows she should be more than happy with where she is (and not geographically) and what she has accomplished.  She knows she has amazing family members and incredible friends who, if asked, would be more than happy to help her find this person again.  So where the hell is she?  Why can’t I shake this?

9.  Upon previewing this, I realized the post before has the same title.  FML

10.  Has it really been 4 years?