My Dearest Dizzle…

The last 48 hours have probably been the most nerve-wracking of my life…  I kept thinking that something worse was going to happen, and we were going to lose you…  That you wouldn’t stop seizing and you would die…  It made my heart skip beats and I couldn’t breathe…  I kept waiting to lose all control and just weep and rock you.  I wanted so badly to fix this…  this THING that was happening to you.  I wanted to take it all away and just let you be a toddler.  I didn’t want to think about making decisions about which tests would be best for you, and what medications we were okay with.  I wanted to fix it for you, but I wanted to fix it for me, too. 


I don’t want to let you out of my sight. I don’t want you further than my arms can reach. I want a second sight so I can see if and when this is going to happen again…  and then I want to make it stop instantly.  I keep going over every little thing that has ever happened to you – every bump and bruise, every time you’ve gotten sick, and every time you’ve not been yourself.  Did we miss something?  Did I do something or not do something?  Are you telling me what’s wrong in some other way?

We have tried in every way to make sure we’re making good decisions for you.  I don’t like the idea of you being on medication either indefinitely or for the rest of your life.  But I don’t want my dislike to lower your quality of life and continue more seizure episodes.  I don’t want you to take a drug that may change your sweet personality, or affect your future fertility.  I don’t want to not give you a drug that could prevent a cluster of neurologically damaging seizures.  I just want this to be easy…  or for it not to exist at all.

I hope I don’t let you down, Dizzle.  I have always felt so very, very lucky to have been entrusted with the three of you, but I am so very, very afraid I will fail you in this…  It feels that there is no right answer and I could destroy you with any choice…  I hope you know, no matter what, that I am doing my best.  I am going to spend the next 2 months before our follow-up researching, changing our/your diet, and doing all I can to keep you safe and healthy.  I don’t know what I would do without you, just as you are.  I love you so very much, sweet girl.