How do you follow the path when you can’t see it?

I know I am supposed to be a midwife.  I know I am supposed to be a homebirth midwife.   I had hoped to get a good start by now.  I had hoped to have an apprenticeship set up to begin next year.  When I set that goal, it seemed that was where all things in my life were pointing.  To me, it looked like there not just signs, but billboards, screaming that this was my path…

So what the hell changed?

I think the best I can hope for now is 2 years.   While it’s worth waiting for, it’s still heartbreaking.  Doula work is killing me right now.  I seem to be getting a lot of trying births and while I am always happy to help a mother and her family, I feel like I am being beaten right now.  I get enough of that in my life without it being in my professional field as well.

Where do I go from here?  Where am I going?  What am I supposed to be doing, or what could I be doing to get myself back on track?  Why do I feel so pushed to get started, but then encounter nothing but roadblocks? 

I never thought this would be easy.  I am pretty young for my field, I have young children, my husband is gone all the time, and the hours are unpredictable at best.  I knew it wouldn’t be flipping a light switch, or going on an interview and getting hired to work a “normal” job.  I wasn’t expecting that…  But I wasn’t expecting to have my ass (and heart) repeatedly handed to me, either…

So where the hell is my yellow brick road and what do I do now?