The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement.  I hate that.  *laugh*  I think it's trite.  I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round.  Having said that, right now I am stopping hard – like both feet on the brakes hard.  I am having a hard time with just about every little thing.  I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night.  So for one, why are these things plaguing me so?  For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go?  So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

1.  Why do I keep getting upset when people behave in ways I wouldn't?  While their behavior may or may not effect me, in the end, the consequences, positive or negative, are theirs.  Why do I care?  I'm not typically the type to give a lick about what other people do so long as they aren't hurting anyone…  Now, in all fairness, some of the behaviors that have upset me most recently ARE going to hurt people – both the people exhibiting the behaviors, as well as others who are going to be caught off guard by the consequences.  Even in those instances, there isn't really anything I can do about it.  Worrying is not prodcutive, and I know that, so why can't I just let it go?  Why can't I just wait for things to come full circle and prepare myself for any possible ripples of effect that may reach my own shores?  Why is that so hard for me right now?

2.  My midwifery journey is at a stall.  Normally, when I find something new and shiny to focus on, I am like a child with a new puppy.  The first week, I take care of every little detail with zeal and complete and utter devotion.  Other the next 2-3 weeks, it peters out and I lose all interest, or keep at it, but without the 100% enthusiasm, etc.  I just sort of plug away to get it done and get it done well so I won't have to do it again.  I knew this was different because it is super important to me, and always will be.  This is my livelihood.  This is my dream career.  When I finally decided to persue my CPM licensure, I also knew it would be a long, arduous road.  I didn't expect to be apprenticing in a week, or ready to take my boards in 2 years.  I did however, expect to be able to start.  I expected to be able to enroll in an educational path that would help keep me focus, keep me from trying to lunge ahead, or skip over things I may not think about or think are important.  Instead, every attempt I made to begin my journey has been stone walled.  Where I would typically see that as a sign to slow down, or try another route, this time it feels like I am just being…  bullied? picked on?  I don't get the feeling that these obstacles are being thrown up to encourage me to find a path less often tread, or to encourage me to devote more time to my little ones.  I just get pissed.  Then I cry.  Then I try to find a less common avenue that I may have overlooked, or try talking to more people to see how they did it…  And then I get pissed again…  And cry again.  What gives?  My heart tells me this is where I am meant to be.  I have the most supportive husband I think any woman in my field could ever hope to find, my children will never know any different, and I am surrounded by strong professionals and friends who encourage me…  What is the karmic/cosmic hold-up?

3.  $$$  That's all I have to say about that.

4.  I am taking a sabbatical from doula work.  That breaks my heart.  I have clients lined up from now until mid-April, but I believe from that point on, I will take the Summer off and resume when Mega Man starts school again.  I have had too many high-stress cases lately, and too many situations with fellow doulas that leave me feeling uncomfortable.  I think part of this is part of #1; I am taking too many things personally and holding people to a standard that isn't fair because it's MY standard, and not their own.  That isn't fair, and I realize that I can't get hurt about every little thing.  The high stress clients don't bother me as much.  It's part of the job, and because you never know when a baby will come, I don't take more than 2 clients per month anyway.  I at least get a break.  With the other doulas, though, I see them and work with them all the time.  There is no escape!  So, in order to continue to love my job, provide the best possible service to clients, and not lose my mind, I believe a sabbatical is necessary.

5.  Sometimes I think my love for my kids may just eat me alive.  Seriously.  I look at them and think about what I would do if someone or something were to hurt them and it just about tears me apart.  I think about what I would do if I lost them, and the thought alone is almost enough to make me go instantly crazy.  I just love them that much, but have such trouble finding ways to show them.  I hope it is clear.  I hope they never doubt.  They can hate me for the ways I try to express it, but I hope to The Force they at least know that when I show up at their school play with the video camera and the fan poster, it's only because this chick, this chick right here loves them more than anything else!

Do I sounds completely crazy?  I guess I just feel like life is thumping me over the head, screaming at me to examine my priorities and my life in general and make some adjustments.  It's not that I am ignoring it, but it's like a "cant' see the forest for the trees" sort of thing.  I hear the voice, but it just feels like I should be screaming back, "I am trying, asshole!" 

So yeah…

I am not looking forward to the first potential client I have to turn away.

*sigh*

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