I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out which career path I want to take: Do I want to be a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) and practice primarily in a hospital setting, or do I want to be Certified Professional Midwife (CPM) and attend home births?  Since I first thought I might want to become a midwife, I have seen myself at home.  The thing that made me think twice and caught my breath in my throat was my zeal; I was afraid I would let women stay home too long because I wanted to guard their experience.  And then someone said, "If you didn't feel that way, then I'd worry."  Huh… 

Since Kili has come along, I have felt sort of pushed into making a decision and putting my feet on the path.  It wasn't a bad thing, just a thing.  I keep feeling like I need to do something other than be a wife and mother…  I've had that feeling for a while.  I hate being compared to my peers who have degrees or are very close to receiving degrees.  None of those people have 3 children and a home they've actually bought.  None of those people have been married for almost 6 years and are still happy with the one they chose, either.  I'm not saying either one of us is better than the other.  I am saying there is no comparison.  On paper, I have achieved nothing.  I know that without someone else pointing it out to me, though, thanks.  I may not have had my parenting-mettle tested yet – my kids aren't grown, so who knows whether I have succeeded or failed as a mother – but I'd like to think that thus far, the damage has been minimal.  I might not be Mother of the Year, but I'm not Mommy Dearest, and in my book, that's a small success in and of itself.

I made up my mind last night.  I went to bed with a clear mind which hasn't happened in I can't tell you how long.  I didn't "dream" the way most people think of dreaming, or if I did, I don't remember enough of the dreams to put together anything you might call coherent.  What I did do was see myself… with moms and babies.  What I did see was a light…  and it was warm and welcoming…  and that light was families at home.  I liked that.  I liked it a lot.  When I woke up this morning, I was certain that it was an undeniable sign.  I am supposed to be a homebirth midwife. 

Day 98: I am grateful for the willingness of my friends to share their experiences.