So very, very angry.  I haven't been this upset in a long time.  I went to bed saying I would sleep it off; in the light of day, I told myself, things would look different and I would find my anger either gone, or dissipating rapidly.  None of that happened.  I woke up just a spot less angry than when I actually fell asleep.  Things do look different, but they look worse.  I've had more time to think, which is almost always bad for me.  The more I think about it, the more I think you are ungrateful, and it's no wonder you feel as though your entire life has been ruined by others, and has nothing to do with your own behaviors or actions.  You can't just take help for what it is: my gift of time, talent, or whatever it is that I can spare.  You just want me and everyone else to do it all for you, rather than accepting what we have to offer and making the rest of it work out through your own efforts, contributions, and works.  It's ridiculous.  I can't imagine never knowing the pride of hard work and my own finished product.  DH and I struggle, but we own a house.  We bought a house a few weeks after my 24th birthday.  On a single income.  In a decent neighborhood.  DH and I struggle, but we are sending our children to good schools.  DH and I struggle, but we are 2.5 years away from paying off a 6 year loan and we're doing it 6 months early.  I'd rather get my ass kicked and do it all on my own, or with as little help as possible, than to look back and wonder what it would have taken to do it on my own.  I'd rather feel like my ass is being handed to me when I write checks for bills every month than to feel as though I owe every person I know…  I realize that this is just a personal preference and not a right or wrong issue, but because it is so huge for me, I just don't see how I can ever overlook these qualites in you to be your "friend."  I am friend with many people whom I am quite different from, but on the stuff that really matters to me, we have more in common than not.  Self-sufficiency is a big deal to me.  Would I let my children go hungry or default on my mortgage before I asked for help?  Of course not.  I have more pride than I know what to do with, unfortunately, but I will never be too proud to let my children suffer because of my pride.  What I will do before I ask for help is everything I can think of – work another job, sleep less, whatever.  Where my children are concerned, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.  But I hope that in my efforts to be a good provider, I show them that hard work pays off.  Not only do you get the job done, you get the satisfaction of having done a good job for yourself.  I will never let them think that it is okay to rely solely on others to meet their own needs.  There will always be unforeseen circumstances, but that doesn't include things like big school projects, mortgage payments, etc.  Asking for someone to bail you out of those situations is just lazy.  That's not okay.  When others can't or won't help you, or can't / won't help you the way you want them to (though it may be the way you need, or just not to the extent that you would like), it doesn't mean you have the right to spit in their faces.  Help is a gift.  Appreciate it.  Abuse it, and it's biting the hand that feeds you.  Not smart…  Not smart at all…

*Day 90: I am grateful that I am not the person I used to be.  The person I used to be would not have held her tongue, would not have given it extra time, and would not have refrained from resulting to physical force.  The person I used to be would not have cared that children were present, nor would she have cared about the resulting opinions and feelings about her and her actions had she let her anger get the best (or worst) of her…  I am grateful for the control I have learned to wield over my temper, however strained and tested that control may be…  The point is that it is still there, and for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

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