"Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds…  Dreamin' aloud."

It's amazing to me how much old wounds can still hurt after so much time has passed…  What makes is a torturous amazement is the realization that those wounds affect how I treat people even now.  I know it's not fair to take the sins of one and bestow the punishment on another, but there it is…  My walls aren't coming down, and there are no new doors.  The alligators still roam the moat, and the bridge is still smashed.  The smallest thing will bring it back up and it's like a slap in the face and like a clam, I feel myself slamming shut again.  It's ridiculous.  I hate it…  But I still do it.  *sigh*  I am going to bed tonight thinking about how much better I would feel if I could just let go of the people who have hurt me…  How much more energy would I have for my children, my husband, my family and friends, and hey!  How much more energy would I have for myself?  Perhaps if I continue to see myself without the weight of those hurts, I will eventually allow the weight to slip from my shoulders and wake up feeling like a new woman…  Visualize and attack…  Visualize and release… 

*Day 87: I am grateful that I've not shut down completely.  I am grateful that a few new people have come into my life and though I may not have run to them, arms wide open, I let them in enough to get to know them and thus far, am better for it.

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