I have been thinking a lot lately.  I usually think too much for my own good anyway, but my gears have been grinding in overdrive for the past few weeks.  I can't seem to sort my thoughts, so I'm going to try a different approach and blog it all- just put it out there and see what it brings.

          I want to be a midwife.  I've known that since Mega was born.  After T-Rex came along, I started to examine my career path more closely.  That's about as far as I have gotten.  I can't figure out which path to take: hospital midwifery, or home birth midwifery.  I try to look at the pros and cons (as I see them) and make an objective decision, but I can't ever seem to really nail down one or the other.

CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife)

Pros:

  • Recognized in every state – job security regardless of where DH's orders may take us
  • In select states, may attend homebirths
  • Would be part of the effort to make midwifery care accessible to those who might not otherwise even consider it, or be able to access it due to health insurance limitations, family pressures, etc.

Cons:

  • May have to adhere to "hospital policy"
  • May be tempted to "play it safe" and utilize available technology before it becomes truly necessary
  • Don't do well with authority (being overseen by / working with OB/GYNs)
  • Uncomfortable in hospitals in general, usually

CPM (Certified Professional Midwife)

Pros:

  • HOMEBIRTH!
  • I am my own boss, or at least, part of a team I've chosen to be on!
  • More freedom / choice in patient's care
  • More involvement with patients
  • Greater personal investment
  • Would be part of the effort to continue to allow women to birth at home

Cons:

  • May wait too long to use medical interventions due to love of physiological birth
  • Living my life on-call
  • Not licensed in all states – may not be able to practice if DH gets re-assigned
  • Greater personal investment

 

Even looking at this, it seems as though I am leaning towards homebirth, but the weight of each of the pros and cons is different – so having more pros doesn't necessarily mean it's the best choice for me…  Ideally, I would like to start knocking out my pre-req's in the  2010 fall semester.  I am not sure how practical that is, but with Mega in kindergarten and T-Rex in Pre-K, it would just be Kili and I for most of the day.  I think if I took 2 evening classes, and an on-line course or two, I would have sufficient time during the day to study and get my work done. 

I wish I had more feedback from previous doula clients and other people I "work" with.  I'd really like to know how/ where they see me.  Do they think I am too cautious to be a successful homebirth midwife?  Do they think I am too uncomfortable in hospitals to be a good CNM?  Do they think my personality and practice habits make me better suited for one or the other?  It's not that I don't trust myself, it's that I think it's hard for me to be objective about my strengths and weaknesses.  I know that either path I choose is going to be a long road: I have to much to learn, and some of it will be things I'd never considered!  I know I will change and grow with each day I work towards my goal, but I'd like to know where to start…  Maybe I will get half-way through my CNM program and realize that being there for homebirth is truly my calling…  But in doing that, I need to know there is a reason I started on one path just to end up on another.  Does that make sense?

 

Oy vey…  This is sooo hard…  And I haven't even begun!

*Day 86: I am grateful that such choices are there for me to make.  I am grateful that no one has decided whom I shall marry, what career I shall have, how many children to have, etc.  While this is a very hard decision, I am so grateful that it is no one but myself who shall make it!

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