I don't know what made today so special…  I don't know that I care, either.  I just know you were here…  I kept thinking there was someone standing there, just outside the shower curtain.  When I peeked out, there was no one there.  I didn't get the usual chills up my spine, nor did I feel vulnerable and afraid the way I usually do.  I didn't feel the need to step out and investigate further.  I just kept peeking…  When I finally got out of the shower, your presence overwhelmed me…  The fog in the mirror that oddly resembled a feminine profile…  The smell.  More than anything, the smell.  Paul Mitchell shampoo, a fresh Bath and Body Works fragrance that hasn't been available in years, a heated curling iron, wet pantyhose…  The smell of your bathroom, even after you moved from Ohio…  Wrapped in my towel, I just stood there taking deep breaths until I thought I would pass out…  It's in my clothes now and when I move, sometimes a tiny bit gets released and makes its way to my olfactory and a new tidal wave engulfs me…  I want to cry so much…  But crying is an admission that you're gone…  And not gone…  I can't cry, even 3 years later…  I miss you so, so very much…  And yet here you are.  You must have kissed Kili before you left.  Her angel kiss on her forehead seems more prominent, and I heard her cooing through the monitor.  She was asleep when I got out of the shower…  It must have been peace overtaking her. 

Thank you… You are welcome back any time…

*Day 82: I am thankful for my visitor and hope it was what I wanted it to be, and not just a manifestation of my impending insanity.

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