I have always felt that people are in our lives for a reason – for better or worse, they give us something.  Sometimes it is companionship, others, a lesson, understanding, or a chance to grow.  I have been in the habit as of late of trying to figure out why people are in my life.  I have my walls and while there are those who've managed to get beyond the barriers of my outer defenses, I often find myself feeling alone because my inner walls still isolate me.  By feeling as though I know why people are in my life, it helps me determine how close to them get.  It's absurd, but in my head, it all makes sense…

Today my walls shook.  All of them.  Every level, every ring, every foundation…  It both scared and exhilerated me.  For a very brief, fleeting moment, I felt a great weight being lifted…  I felt free…

When I first met our midwives, I felt safe with them.  That's no small compliment coming from me…  But there was one midwife in particular…  I told DH it had to be her that caught Mega Man.  He reminded me that we didn't get to choose - they rotate and we got the midwife on call at the time.  But what do you know?  She was there the night Mega was born…  And again when T-Rex was born… And finally, when Kili was born…  I felt very drawn to her.  When she led me to the doctor who helped diagnose me with Celiac Disease, the connection intensified.  Now I knew we shared something that made us seperate from most people.  That was neat, though our source of seperation wasn't very neat… 

Today, I discovered we share something else that seperates us from most…  Now, I don't even pretend to know how The Force works…  I have a lot of ideas and theories that make me comfortable and that's about it.  But I do know, beyond a shadown of a doubt, that the midwife who delivered my babies is in my life to teach me.  It was not a coincidence.  It was not chance.  There was a reason I felt safe with her and a reason I wanted to get to know her better.  I think she is in my life to teach me to accept, and in some cases, even surrender completely.  Even that word, "surrender" is very scary for me.  Thinking about it makes me tense…  But I think that is what I am supposed to be learning from her.  I am certainly open to learning more, though!  From our first appointment together, I just wanted to sit down with her and pick her brain!  I wanted to know what made her tick – she had such a peace about her and I wanted that peace for myself.  I just wanted to know all I could…  But maybe it's not knowing about her, but finding out about myself…  What makes me tick, revs my engine, fills my twinkie?  Her peace may not be my peace…  And that, just that seemingly small thing has brought me to my knees today.  How awesome is that?  I can't thank her enough…  

You just never know who will bring what to your life…  There's a line in a movie called "The War" that I will never forget.  "Our lives are like tapestries.  The colors and beauty of the designs all depend on the people we've known and the things we've learned."  I hope I leave behind one helluva tapestry!    

*Day 77: I am grateful for so many opportunities to learn…

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