I want to meet my daughter…  But I want to meet her when she’s ready and when she can come straight home with us.  I want my boys home…  But I want them home with a mother who is strong enough to care for them, while either still maintaining a safe and healthy pregnancy, or while also caring for a new sibling.  I miss them sooo much.  I’ve never been away from them for more than 48 hours.  Did I mention that yet?  The first time was when T-Rex was born, and as soon as we got the hemorrhaging under control and I was able to leave safely, I was ready to fly to Mega Man and bring him home with his new brother.  The second time was when I took a little break in a neighboring state with family and friends and DH brought the boys home.  As much fun as that was, even then, I thought about them the whole time…

The house is so still…  It’s nice, but I get creeped out when all I can hear is th fish tank or the occasional cat’s rumble…  Yesterday I took a nap on the bottom bunk in the boys’ room because it smells like them in there…  The bottom bunk smells like T-Rex and Mega’s shampoo…  I forgot how uncomfortable bunk beds can be when you’re not 3 feet tall and less than 40 pounds, but I didn’t care…  I just curled up and took a little cat nap.  The Force, I miss them!

Today I had my 33-ish week visit.  Kili sounds good – nice accelarations in heart rate and good movement.  She’s still very engaged and looking like she could start her approach any moment, so for now, I am on very definite bed rest.  Even showering makes me contract every 3-5 minutes for about an hour or two…  It sucks.  I think I know a Braxton-Hicks contraction when I feel one, and these are no joking contractions.  If I have to stop talking and moving, it’s no bueno.  I mean, I didn’t even get to the birth center with Mega until I was 9 cm’s because I thought there was no way what I was feeling could be REAL contractions.  I kept waiting for them to get so much worse after hearing everyone else describe them.  I might be a wuss when it comes to pain, but where contractions are concerned, I think I can roll with the best of them.  If I could talk and move through them, they wouldn’t concern me, but yeah…  Not the case…  So right now, we’re shooting for 35 weeks.  It would mean we couldn’t deliver in the birth center, which really sucks, but after the steroid injections, she stands a very good chance of not needing much time, if any, in the NICU, depending on her birth weight and sucking/swallowing ability.  If we make 37 weeks, I will be truly ecstatic because that means, as long as nothing else comes up, we can still deliver in the birth center and after losing that experience when T-Rex was born, it would mean a lot to me to finish my child bearing experiences in there.  Either way, I am okay with it. 

I was very upset when we had to transfer for T-Rex’s birth, but I think that was because, unlike this time, I didn’t have time to process it.  We went in that morning for our 39 week appointment, and heard alarming decels.  We were sent to Super Huge Medical Place With Lots of Fancy-Shmancy Equipment and for the third time (I think), we saw a heart that didn’t beat quite right, but we also saw a baby who had almost NO fluid surrounding him…  So we were told that afternoon that he would be born in Labor and Delivery, rather than the Birth Center.  By that night, I was in full labor, and had had only a few hours to think about the changes L&D versus the birth center meant.  We got to keep our midwife, which was probably the only reason I didn’t completely lose my mind, but it was just so completely different than Mega’s birth.  I couldn’t get calm or get a hold of myself.  I couldn’t move.  Intermittent monitoring with a fault heart was not an option, and the low fluid made getting off my left side impossible.  I was trapped and I hated it.  I don’t ever want to feel that way again, let alone in labor.  When Mega was born, it was intense, but it was friggin’ awesome!  It was me, DH, the midwife, and the tub.  I think there were two nurses in there in the end because a C-section was looking very probable, but I don’t remember them “interrupting” at all.  We were totaly free to just welcome our son and it effing rocked!  With T-Rex, there were more people, more lights, more pressure, and a lot more pushing – 2.5 hours versus 45 minutes with Mega.  Afterward, the Nubain left me feeling shaky and completely out of it, and I was afraid to hold T-Rex because I didn’t want to drop him.  I will never forgive myself for that, nor forget how it made me feel…  Short of a surgical intervention, I will hold on to that memory and even if we have to stick with continuous monitoring in the bed, flat on my back or on one side, I will not give in!  For me, the couple of hours of agony are more than worth the control to hold my baby after she’s born.  I’m not saying no woman should ever take drugs – had I not had the break from the Nubain, T-Rex would have been born via C-section because I never would have had the stamina to deliver him on my own.  I AM saying that for me, barring another crazy birth experience, I will hold tight to my drug-free birth commitment and chug through it, one contraction at a time.  T-Rex’s birth wasn’t bad or traumatic by any stretch of the imagination, but I’d like something much more like Mega’s birth, and one of the biggest parts of that was keeping drugs out of my system so I remembered more, was more present, and could interact more with my husband and my midwife.  I’m not an internalizer when it comes to labor, and the drugs made me feel like I had no choice but to crawl inside myself…  I hated that.  So whether Kili is born in L&D or in the birth center, I will do all that I can to keep myself focused enough to cope with labor without pharmaceutical aid.  🙂

Whew!  This totally didn’t go the way I thought it would…  I think I purposefully distracted myself from thinking about the boys so that I wouldn’t cry again – even crying makes me contract.  🙂  *sigh*  Off I go.  I am going to work on Kili’s blanket and maybe finish reading “The Jungle.”  Now, I am just tired of seeing the same book on my nightstand!  


*Day 58: I am grateful that my care has not been transferred either to another hospital all together, or to the OB side of maternity care.  For one, it means we’re still not “high risk” and for two, it means I don’t have to freak out about people touching me that I don’t know or feel comfortable with.  I’m so very, very grateful Kili has decided to stay put a bit longer…  Whew…  Oh, and Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!