I'm heading back to my old ways.  My bi-polar symptoms are creeping back in…  Well, okay, that's a lie.  It's more like they hi-jacked my body about 2 weeks ago and now the little people running the upstairs control room are just using me as a marionette and laughing maniacally while I destroy myself and my family.  It's… interesting.

It started with shopping…  And then it went to eating foods that are chock full o'gluten.  And then it got to just always being ridiculously happy…  And then I got our credit card statement.  We'd been paying off one – VERY slowly, but still, surely.  Well, I definitely fixed that little wagon right and proper!  We're back to within $100.00 of the limit on BOTH cards…  Damn you, Amazon!  Damn you all to Hell!  Or, damn me and my impulses and lack of control over them, whatever…  It's easier to blame a faceless merchant than myself, right?  Right!

After the very, very heavy realization of the new debt I'd just whimsically created, I sank…  Oh, how I sank.  I started using my happy light again and that helped, even with my (lack of) sleep.  Superb!  It didn't send me straight to the moon, but it helped me back to a more normal me…  Or what I have recently come to think of as "normal." 

And then we did our taxes…  And thought we were getting $15,000.00 when we were actually getting half that, thanks to some seemingly randomly chosen date to start giving people this $7500.00 for buying their first home, and even though we bought a home not knowing about it, and now people know about it and have until July to buy and take advantage of it, and that's totally bullshit-unfair-I'm gonna stop whining about it, I promise, but still, that brought me back down HARD…  Because now I still have to find a way to pay off all that debt…  

So here's where I step in and say, "But it wasn't me!  It was the one-armed man!"  DH made a very good point…  And I'm not saying it's good just because it takes some of the responsibility off your truly.  I did say SOME of the responsibility, and believe me, I am shouldering my share of the blame…  But he DID make a good point.  One card was maxxed out because of the repairs to his car ALONE.  I had forgotten all about that!  That's $3500.00 I didn't have to carry on my head any more!  And then there was a nice couple hundred dollar chunk for the deep freezer…  And while that COULD have waited, it has definitely paid for itself by enabling us to buy in bulk, keeping me from going back to the health food store every 3-4 days to make sure there are foods I can eat, and just by letting us stock up when things are cheap.  We also made some MAJOR purchases for the baby that were unavoidable – like a crib.  I didn't buy a $1200 crib – I shopped around and snatched one up that I liked when it went on sale AND had free shipping because it wasn't sold in stores.  So yeah, we spent some money, but for the most part, it was money that would have had to be spent anyway.  Did I have to buy the clothes for Lady Bug?  No.  Did I have to get some new play toys for the boys?  No.  Did I have to upgrade some of my business stuff?  No.  So yes, those expenditures were completely unnecessary and therefore, my fault.  But again, I gotta let some of it go…  'Cause I am beating myself to hell.  And now that I know we can pay off only ONE credit card and put NOTHING into savings, I am at bedrock.  I can't go anywhere else but up from here. 

SO!  That's what I am working on: up.  *sigh*

*Day 49: I am grateful that, with a few exceptions, everyone I know and love is healthy.  I know not many people can say that and while most of us are not financially comfortable, we're not half-dead, either…  Silver lining and all that kaka…

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