I need to find my center again.  I have been getting carried away with too many trivial things and I need to just focus.  Mega starts school today and I am a complete wreck.  I am trying to talk myself out of sitting behind the one-way glass the entire time.  I don't think Bear would appreciate that anyway, but right now, it's all I can think about doing…

     Yesterday was a real hum-dinger of a day.  I went to Wally World to pick up a few things, and after having felt wonderful all morning, the next thing I know, there are 4 cashiers in front of me, asking if I am okay.  Apparently, I am re-visiting my pregnancy with Bear after all.  I called my midwives and they pulled my records and had a discussion before calling me back.  The concensus is actually a lot less worrisome than I thought it would be!  Because of the condition* of my red blood cells, and my already low blood pressure, I am not getting enough oxygen, especially when I increase my activity level.  Thus, I pass out.  It's not my kidneys shutting down, and so far, I exhibit no symptoms of ketone poisoning or ketoacidosis.  Erythrocyte aggregates reduce the amount of oxygen each red blood cell carries.  The size of the aggregates slows blood down in the body because it is harder for an aggregate to pass through capillaries than it is for single RBCs.  The combination of a reduced capacity to carry oxygen, AND the oxygen being delivered more slowly means I can't get all revved up, or I pass out.  Fun!

     So now, until my blood pressure either rises to at least 110/75 (I'm typically 90/65), or my RBCs stop sticking together, I'm on restricted activity status.  It's not bedrest, but I can't lift or perform any light exercise, including yoga, and I have to drink at least 112 ounces of fluid, preferrably water, per day.  Hey, it's still better than my kidneys shutting down, right?  Right!

     I'm getting back to basics on the doula front, too.  I am re-visiting all my Ina May Gaskin books and reminding myself why I am here.  It's not that I am doubting my place, but I'm just…  off kilter.  I'm okay assisting and attending births, but I'm freaked out about my own.  I keep having dreams of this 7 and a half pound baby that just gets permanently wedged into my pelvis.  I know it's silly; I am always telling people, "Nature is very smart.  Very rarely does She give you a baby you cannot deliver."  I know that.  I know that.  I know it's a completely irrational fear.  I know that despite malabsorption of nutrients and other needed materials, my body has not once, but twice, nurtured two healthy babies, and at the end of it all, I was able to get those babies out!  I keep reminding myself of those things, but this tiny seed of panic persists.  *sigh*  

          So over the next two days leading up to my next prenatal visit, I'm all about centering.  I need to stop, breathe, play with my babies, and let go of my irrational fears…  Stop, breathe, play with the babies…  Stop, breathe, play with the babies… 

*If you missed it before, here is the stage BEFORE aggregation.  Many of the symptoms are the same, just more pronounced.