I did a bad thing today.  It all started with potato chips.  Now, I read every label.  Every nutritional label on any edible product that is in my home has been read at least once, by me.  I could have sworn these chips were gluten-free.  I knew they weren’t caseine free, but as the jury is still out on that, I have decided to kind of lighten up on the no-milk thing.  Maybe it’s dumb, but for now, it’s helping me stick to a diet I can’t stand.  So…  I’m eating these chips when DH lovingly points out that they contain MSG – monosodium GLUTamate.  Fabulous.  So much for those.

          We took the kids to CEC for dinner and games since I was too lazy to make it to the “Fancy Shmancy Outdoor Place” and too cheap to take the entire brood to “Supposedly Really Great Indoor Place.”  It was ridiculously crowded – the hostess asked wearily if we had another walk-in birthday party.  I answered that we did not, and asked if it was always this busy on Sunday evenings at 6 PM.  She replied in the negative, and stated that they had an unusually high number of walk-in birthday parties.  Fabulous occurrence number 2.

          We order our pizza.  I ate before we left, but that’s one thing I really, really don’t like about this diet – I never feel full or even satisfied after eating.  I usually quit eating because I am not interested in what I am eating, or just because I’m tired of eating whatever is on my plate.  So, having said that…  It smelled sooo good.  It looked really good, grease and all…  I ate 2.5 pieces.  The crust, the dough, the cheese…  Oh my Force, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven/reached Nirvana/ found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It was like reuniting with an old friend.  That soft, yielding texture…  The airy-ness of the dough…  It was all so wonderful I couldn’t stop at a single slice.  Besides, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?  Right!

          So yes, I fell off the wagon today.  Okay, so maybe “jumped” is a better term, but what the fuck ever.  I enjoyed it!  I might not enjoy the way I feel tomorrow, but honestly, I don’t think I am that de-sensitized yet.  I have been told that the more I do things like that, the more I will pay for it.  I understand…  But all things considered, I am still pretty damn proud of myself.  I now have a completely hate-hate relationship with food.  I hate the way it feels in my mouth, the way it never seems to leave me feeling satiated, and the way I have to avoid so much of it.  While I do like the fact that I now know what it’s like to actually feel hungry, and not just eat because I think I should, or because I am bored or stressed, what good does that do me when I don’t get the satisfaction of feeling fulfilled after I do eat?  Yes, of course it is still worth it in the long run because I will feel better, finally be able to lose weight, have more energy, see alleviation, if not complete dissipation of my bipolar symptoms, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…  But damn that pizza was good.  While I know gluten-free crust recipes are out there, without milk and soy cheese, etc., I don’t have much hope of ever been able to really enjoy a pizza again.  Bad, bad juju that 2.5 slices of pizza…  But it damn sure was tasty!

Side note: If you’re ever screwed like me, or know of someone who is, Tofutti “Better Than Sour Cream” and “Better Than Cream Cheese” are actually quite tasty.  Sour cream has to be my favorite condiment and I was struggling without it, but on a baked potato, I actually think it is better than the real thing!  Also, Bob’s Red Mill Brownies are DIVINE.  Texture is remarkably similar to that of wheat-flour brownies and the taste is FABULOUS!  Love them.