What a horrible dream…  I just had a dream that we were having another baby.  We decided not to know the gender because we already have two boys and if you told me we were having another one, I might cry.  It would be better to be surprised than cry, right?  Right.  So we’re having another baby and things are going great – no morning sickness, no swelling, no nausea, and for once, I don’t blow up like a balloon as soon as I get a positive result. 


     Things are going great and then it comes time to deliver.  At the last second, they lose the baby’s heart and I just start gushing blood.  They do a last-second C-section, but it’s too late…  The doctor (who, incidentally was the doctor that they called when Bear was born because they thought he would have to be born surgically) just starts to weep and keeps saying, “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.” 


          DH starts to cry and I don’t even know what’s going on yet…  And then they bring me this tiny little baby who looks deep in sleep…  And then I realize the baby isn’t sleeping, but dead…  And before I can even cry, they take the baby away and start asking me all sorts of questions.  Do I want to bury, cremate, or just let the hospital take care of it?  Do I want a birth certificate?  Do I want a memorial service?  I’m just laying there, in a pool of blood while all of this is occurring and I finally just scream, “STOP!  Give me my baby, shut up, and get out!” 


          Everyone leaves and a nurse hands me the “sleeping” baby.  DH peeks over the blanket and touches the baby”s cheek…  He’s still crying, but quietly.  I unwrap the baby (and see, for the first time, that it’s a girl) and put her in the outfit we planned to bring her home in.  I snuggle her and DH gets into the bed (operating table) next to us).  The only aspect that seemed dream-like was all the blood – they never closed me up, so I’m still exposed on the table…  And I don’t bleed to death.  I just woke up crying…


       Maybe this is just a manifestation of my fear that we won’t have a daughter…  Or maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t try again…  For no, I’d like not to have any more of those dreams.  It’s been a while since I’ve had such a vivid, horrific dream, and I’d just like to have another good stretch without one…  Especially one like that…

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