While we're building walls here on our mental retreat at Casa de Mental Mommy… 

          I am a firm believer that when things go wrong, there is never one person who is solely to blame.  This belief did not evolve out of an experience I had.  It evolved from watching the interactions of others, and observing that most people are very quick to point the finger at others, forgetting that they're leaving 3 to point at themselves.  As a person with such a belief, I try very hard to apologize and make amends when blame falls on myself.  Admittedly, sometimes, this isn't enough.  Other times, it is just what is needed to correct a situation.  While I may not always agree that I should apologize or make amends, I can usually see where others are coming from and how they may have been hurt or wronged by my actions or words, and the fact that I've hurt them is enough to make me want to apologize.

          Forgive me if this post rambles on.  I have been drinking and though I am very tired, I can't sleep.  I can't sleep because I can't help but feel that my belief is wrong – that this whole catastrophe was completely my fault, I got what I deserved, and I've no one to blame but myself.  I hate that feeling.  Not only because it makes me the bad guy but because it breaks my heart to think that despite the effort I put into caring for and thinking of the way my actions may make others feel, I have still failed.  I have failed so miserably as to bring all of this heartache on my own head. 

          Apparently my previous thoughts that perhaps I should live in a bubble had more merit than even I initially thought.  I am too sensitive when others criticize me and not sensitive enough to the needs and feelings of others.  Since a bubble is out of the question, I shall continue to build my wall…  Where I once thought it would be best for myself, family, friends, and future acquaintances to tear down the wall, I am now reminded of my previous logic.  The wall protects not only myself, but others from me.  I have since learned that some people are safe to allow into the wall – a drawbridge and moat has been added to my mental and heart-containing fortress and I hope that my fortifications are enough…  While I like to think I am strong willed and hearted, I must admit that another blow like this just might destroy me.  I already feel as though I have some inherent character flaw that makes me unfit to live amongst others, so reminding me of that is more than rubbing salt in a wound… 

     Just keep building!  Just keep building!  Just keep building, building, building!  What do we do?  We build, build!  

just keep swimming

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