I am sad to say some bricks have been added to my walls.  I decided that when I woke up this morning, the mess of the previous few days would be just that – the mess behind me.  While I may not be the same person I was before all of this, I hope that at least the hurt left some lessons with me that are now built into my walls. 

          One good thing did come out of all of this for sure.  For one thing, I know LRRH is un-friggin-believable.  We had a little tiff last week and when I couldn't get a hold of my other life line, I called her.  She dropped every thing.  I just asked for her to talk to me because I had some seriously ill sh!t running through my head that I couldn't shake.  I just wanted to hear someone's voice that I could trust.  She went above and beyond, shaming me into making me realize what a kick @ss friend she truly is.  She didn't just talk to me, but made me blurt out what was upsetting me so much that I could barely get out a coherent sentence.  Where she and Nae may have been outside the walls before, they just crossed over the moat and through the gate that's been added with the new layers.  I keep them safe with me everywhere I go.

     Sadly, I think even DH was in limbo as far as where he stood – within or with out my walls.  He has also been placed in the fold.  I'm not "finally welcoming" those who have always been there for me because they took my side, holding my hand the whole time, vowing retaliation and saying I was completely right.  They were brought into the fold because they should have been there all along.  All along, they have been real with me.  They tell me when I f*ck up, what I need to do to fix it (if I can fix it), and they also tell me when I'm being an @sshat.  They tell me when I've crossed the line, but they also back me up when others cross the line.  They've had my back for years and while I've always had theirs too, I am sad to say that it wasn't with the total abandon they devoted to me.  There was still a tiny piece of my heart, reserved, left completely untrod upon.  I thought if I could just keep one piece completely to myself, I would be impossible to destroy – that no one would ever hurt me so badly that I couldn't recover.  How selfish and silly of me…  I think I even held my children at this length, for fear that I would lose them, or they would grow into adults who loathed me. 

       I know ya'll (Nae, DH, and LRRH) read this…  I hope that as you do, you can forgive me for the distance.  I know I've done some wicked damage to each of you in the past, and though I know it may be too little too late, I hope with every tiny piece of my heart that it isn't.  I love you more than you will ever know – with every tiny piece of my heart.  THOTM is that there may be more bricks in the walls, but there will never be bricks between us again.

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