I made DH read The Pillars of the Earth.  Figures, he would love it, but use it against me.  He says that, like Aliena, I have walls.  I thought I let them all go, but it’s recently become obvious that I didn’t do as great a job of that as I had thought.  Where I might have had a fortress, now I have a castle and treat every day and every potential relationship as if I am riding into battle – charging in on my war horse, full body armor, shield at the ready, sword drawn, dagger sheathed, and ninja stars poised for action!  Here’s what DH said to me, with some minor things left out for my own privacy’s sake…

"…Physical contact is definitely one. Other than that it’s mostly little things. It seems like when it’s something important, you have trouble talking to me. You either keep things bottled up or you feel you have to share them with someone like Nae or even Judy. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk to me about ANYTHING. I don’t think I have ever been insensitive when it comes to a serious issue. Also you don’t like your friends to get so close. That one is a little harder to explain but it is something I noticed you do even with LRRH. You say you’re best (east coast) friends and I mean, I believe you, but you still have a wall, more so when you’re upset with her. I need a specific situation to explain it and I don’t have one. You seem to get upset with her even in situations where she would do something that you would do or have done in the same predicament. The easiest of these to point out would be going out / you being blown off. She may say I’m tired/ my back hurts/ I have a headache, and you automatically say, "Man she is blowing me off." Only once in a great while do you consider the things she says as legitimate excuses. I guess the easiest way to sum up your wall is that you take everything personally. People love you because you are real with them and they know where they stand with you. You still think because of being hurt in the past that people are still trying to hurt you intentionally. I hate to say that is not the case and that mentality keeps you from being closer to others. Now unfortanetly, if you drop that wall some one will undoubtedly hurt you again. All I can say baby, is that is a part of life. Picking yourself up afterwards and relying on those around you who are truly your close friends to carry you through the hard times is what life is about and that is what makes those life long good memories for you to hang on to. There is peace time and war time.  By all means carry a shield and sword during war, but life is going to be very hard if you carry it during peace times also……… Whoa what just happened, I was sitting down to type you a letter and I think I blacked out. When I came to all that stuff was on my screen.

Baby, this in no way an attack on you, I am simply relaying some feedback. Hopefully it was insightful and not hurtful. Please write me back and talk when you get a chance."

Do I have the best effing husband ever, or what?  He’s right, too…  I have some serious issues…  Subscriptions even!  I guess when someone spells it out like that for you, it’s hard to ignore.  He’s right – THOTM is that I have let people treat me too roughly in the past and I blame people in the present.  I hold them accountable and keep them at a distance because not only do I hold them accountable for previous wrongs, but I expect them to do the same in the future.  It’s not fair, and while I may avoid some hurt, I am sure I am keeping some wonderful things out as well…

Having bad things happen in the past doesn’t seem you should close your eyes to the future…

I’ll work on those walls…  But man, that’s a lot of stonework to take down… 

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