Right around the time she died, she came to me…  In the time between dreams and waking, I felt like someone was sitting next to me.  At first, I thought it was the cat, but remembered she had been in her crate all night and that was impossible.  DH had already left for work, so it couldn’t have been him, and Mega was snoozing in his crib in the next room.  Just before opening my eyes, it felt like someone ran their hand lightly over my forehead, as if brushing a stray strand of hair from my face.  I opened my eyes and nothing was there…

          Two or three times, all my cabinet doors were open when I came downstairs.  They have latches.  They are on 3 walls, so it wasn’t just something that jarred the shared wall of our townhouse, either.  Something did it on purpose…

          After that, nothing.  No dreams.  No feelings on being watched or watched over…  No phantom phone calls or even goosebumps on my arms as though someone unseen were there…  I feel abandoned.  I almost hoped she’d stick around to make sure I knew she was here, right next to me in full force.

          Her eldest son, my uncle has had beauty dreams of her.  When he was cleaning out the house he grew up in and the house she died in, he had a wonderful experience that neither he nor myself believe to be a coincidence.  When he was helping her pack to leave for the house he grew up in, the house where she would die, he wrote 4-5 little notes for her on an advertisement pad for a prescription medication and placed them in various pockets in her suitcase.  Things like, "I miss you already," "I love you," I’m with you," etc.  When he came back to the house to clean out the last few things, he saw 2 bits of paper in the corner of the bedroom that he thought was trash.  Two little notes on the pad he’d written them on – "I love you."  "I am with you."  How rad is that?  Where are my notes?  Where are my dreams? 

          I’ve no doubt she loved me.  I’ve no doubt that if it’s possible, she still loves me.  I just wish she were still here…  That I could still hug her and make scotcheroos and marshmallow squares and pudding with her… I just wish I could still send her photo albums filled with pictures of her great-grandsons and know that she was toting them around with her and showing them to anyone who’d stand still long enough.  I just wish she had gotten to see Bear’s little face and have him wrap his chubby hand around her finger…  I wish she were here… 

          As the second anniversary of her death approaches, I feel a tidal wave approaching my carefully protected shore…  And I feel my levees and jetties dwarfed under the swirling darkness that threatens to engulf me…   

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we’ll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we’ll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

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