Today is just a bad day.  It’s cold, rainy, dark and dreary, and that never sets me up for a good day.  I woke up this morning and thought it was still early, and since the babes were making nary a peep, tried to go back to sleep.  After tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity, I rolled over and it was already 8:30.  I came downstairs, had some tea, and read a little more of Pushed.  Around 9:30 the boys woke up…  They have been going insane since 9:31.  Good times, good times…

          I am not very happy with the good ol’ Coast Guard right now, for a number of reasons.  It sucks when your spouse’s career dictates if and when you can have another baby – a decision that should be made based on your patience, financial stability (ha!), and other factors that exclude if and when your spouse will be home for more than 6 to 8 weeks at a time…  That’s my top beef with them, but you don’t have to remind me that I chose to marry a military man.  I know, so just shut your trap.

          I am getting frustrated with my work, or lack thereof, as a doula.  I didn’t get into it for the money, but it feels like I busted my ass to get certified and now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs and I hate that feeling.  I hate feeling like I have nothing to do.  Not that having the boys and being alone 8 months out of the year leaves me with a lot of free time, but I mean something just for me.  Being a doula has left me with something that has always made me feel a small piece of autonomy and I need that – badly.  When I don’t work, I don’t have that feeling that there is still a me who isn’t a wife, mom, friend, daughter, or whatever else that relates to someone else.  There is still just a tiny piece of me, somewhere.  Right now, the me is drowning.  *gurgle*

          Some days you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug…  Today is a bug day.   

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