This down-swing is kicking my ass.  I know it probably doesn’t seem like I am very down, but I’ve not been dealing with it and just sort of throwing a tarp over the huge elephant that is my freakin downward spirals.  Ugh.

          We’re going out to eat tonight.  I know we shouldn’t because of finances, but seriously, I need the company.  The longer I sit here, the more I want to just cry and sleep for a few days…  Wake up, eat and cry, and then sleep for a few more days, and we all know that’s not a good idea with the babes being here and you know, completely dependent on me.

          I feel crushed by the weight of all the things going on around me – all the things I have no control over, or have very little control over and can’t do much to change in my favor other than what I am already doing…  I was trembling from the strain before and now I just feel like laying down and calling it quits.

          I’m ready to know where we’re going.  While there’s a very good chance we’re not going anywhere, I also know better than to put too much faith into anything the military says to you until you have it in writing, and even then, you best take it with a grain of salt because they can still change their minds whenever they feel the need.  With whatever was promised in writing, it just means more paperwork if they break that promise.  If we stay here, we’re going to move out of our current abode because we simply don’t feel its worth the price we’re paying.  We could easily have a mortgage for the same price, or even a little less!  Why make someone else rich when we could be building equity for ourselves?!  While we may not be able to afford our dream home, at least it would be ours

          I’m ready to make a decision one way or another about a third child.  Adopt?  Try another go-round with pregnancy?  Try to adopt a child with special needs?  Foster?  Or just give up and be content to be 4.  I’m ready to get an answer one way or the other because the going back and forth is just too much for me.  While I really feel that 3 would round us out and both DH and I would be content to stop there, there seems to be an awful lot of obstacles to attaining what we feel is our magic number; maybe it’s a sign, and not a, "If you really want this, you will overcome!" sort of thing.  I hate that – you never know which one it is!  I am a bull-headed son-of-a-bitch and I’ll push until I due from exhaustion before giving up, but I have to stop myself more and more because the boys won’t benefit from that approach.  Ugh…

          I requested some wine to avoid shipping charges and it looks like I won’t be able to get it after all.  Boo!  Hiss!  Wine would help me sleep at least…  Blah…

          I’m beat… 

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