While my head is very full at the moment, I can’t seem to get things out.  I am afraid to hurt people’s feelings, to let people see what I see, and it’s just nicer to keep it to myself at the moment.  It is also harder to deal with, but I don’t have to worry about people telling me I am over-reacting, that "things will work out," or that "it will all be okay."  On some level, I already know all those things.  Not to mention that’s what you’re supposed to say when things are sh*tty – that’s what everyone says, so don’t you think I already know that?



I’m angry.  I’m sad.  I’m relieved.  I’m tumultuous, to say the least.  There is a lot going on right now and so many things are tied together that it’s hard to distinguish why I feel angry for one incident, but not another.  It’s hard to see where I started getting angry and stopped feeling hurt, and vice versa.

          As for my previous post, I haven’t done too well.  Of the people I felt I needed to walk away from, at least for a little bit, I have failed with one person.  One of the others was harder than I thought it would be, but I have stuck to it.  Even that is churning things up.  A huge part of me thinks I should stick around, if for no other reason than to see how things turn out.  But then again, I don’t really care.  Awful as that sounds since these are/were "friends," it’s the truth.  It takes too much energy to care for someone who cares not for you.  I have enough outlets for my energy without people, "friends" even, sucking me dry, thanks.  I did something today that I think may make it easier for me to walk away from the person I can’t seem to shake.  I hope I am right…  If nothing else, perhaps it will make it clearer to them that I am really not walking away in anger, but as an act of self-preservation and love.  I can’t stand to see people digging their own graves and while I may be wrong, I think that’s what they’re doing.  I can’t watch that, especially after I tried to help them in every way I knew how.  But I digress…  If I keep talking about it, I’ll get upset again and it’s just silly.  After all, you can’t  help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

           After my next client, I have a nice break.  I might not take anyone until the new year just to give myself some time to breathe.  Then again, the extra income would be nice around the holidays, so I guess we’ll just see what comes up.  I seem to be giving in to my manic-incited spending urges more than I thought, so I definitely have to chill out on the shopping.  If it means I don’t leave the house, the boys have enough toys to occupy them here and we can always call the MOMS for play dates.  It’s not fun – we all get stir crazy, but it’s better than putting my family in the poor house.  Then again, as much as I hate that aspect of my mania, I am much more controlled than some others I have heard about.  There are military spouses that spend thousands every time their significant other is deployed.  I don’t even spend hundreds, but I’ve thought about it.  Some of those spouses work, so they have two incomes to off-set some of that debt, but I know of one or two that don’t.  I can’t imagine how they are staying afloat.  It scares me to think how easy it would be for me to go drop a few G’s on some random things…  Big TV for the living room, painting/ redecorating the boys’ rooms, new clothes for the winter for myself and Mega, another gun for DH, a laptop, kitchen stuff, etc.  See?  I could totally do it in a day if I really wanted to.  While it would be nice to just "live it up" for a bit, it would only last until that first credit card statement got here.  Contrary to popular belief, you actually have to pay those things back at some point.  Well, unless you like the idea of prison…  Which I don’t.  Orange jumpsuits are not figure-flattering (HA! What is?!) for me, and orange is just not my color. 

          On a rad note, Skeeter is this * close to walking.  I think he would have been walking about a month ago if Mega hadn’t plowed into him every time he let go of the table or whatever he was stabilizing himself with.  Poor kid.  He’s probably traumatized.  Seeing Mega run into Skeeter is like watching a scaled down scene from The Waterboy.  Skeeter never sees it coming and Mega gets up like nothing even happened.  The first few times, I think it was accidental because Mega just wasn’t looking for Skeeter walking around.  After that, I think he liked the "OH MY GOD!  LOOK OUT FOR THE BABY!" reaction he got out of me.  Little booger.  He hasn’t done it it a while, so I am hoping the novelty has worn off and Skeeter can get going.  He’s persistent, if nothing else.

          Mega has had only a few accidents and those were my fault for not getting there in time.  Other than that, the 3 Day Potty Training Method worked.  He wakes up dry, and he is even getting used to going to the bathroom when we’re out and about.  The first few times, he had *ahem* stage fright.  He said the public toilets were, "Not mine potty," and were therefore, "Too gross, Mum."  Now he’s a bit better, but I have to lay about 3 layers of TP down before he’ll get near the seat.  I bring Lysol/Clorox wipes everywhere now.  Not only does it makes me feel better, but it usually puts him a bit more at ease after I have "queened it wheel good."  He’s going to be OCD, I can tell.

          *sigh*  So yeah, I guess that’s about every thing.