Every now and then, I try to evaluate things in my life.  What is my primary source of stress and what can I do to minimize it?  What is my primary source of enjoyment and how can I get more out of it?  What can I do to make our money go further and do more?  I ask myself questions like these, and then I try to work on these things from the best angle I can find.

          Recently, it has come to my attention that my friends and my relationships with others are in big trouble.  I seem to give far more than I receive.  While the exchange between friends is never 50/50 at all times, there is a definite tip in the scales against me in many of my current relationships. 

          At any given point, things are usually 60/40 or even 70/30.  However, things usually tip back the other way and it "all comes out in the wash."  I am fine with that.  Sometimes things happen, and as friends, we must step up and be there.  We have to put aside our own issues and concerns, and be there for our friend to lean on and draw strength from, whatever that entails.  I can do that.  I think I do it all the time.  Perhaps, I am jaded and don’t see what others do, but I think I am very capable of being the stronger half in many situations, and sometimes, even the voice of reason.  I keep trying to tell myself not to make people a priority in my life when I am only an option in theirs and the more I think about it, the more reasonable that sounds to me.  You only get what you give.

          Right now it just seems that in too many relationships, it has been me giving 70% and receiving 30%, or even giving more and receiving less.  I have been doing that for too long with a few people.  THOTM is that I am drained and I can’t do it any more.  When the well is dry, the well is dry.  I can’t let my well run dry.  I have too many other people leaning on me, looking to me to make things better, who are willing to do the same for me that need my well.  I just can’t do it.

          Maybe I am a bad friend.  Maybe by withdrawing my support, I am not as strong as I would like to think I am.  But from where I stand, I am a better friend for knowing when to pull out.  I can’t be a good friend when I am being supportive to your face and wanting to rip you apart in my thoughts.  That’s not a good friend at all.  If I walk away, I am neither being false with you, nor hurting you.  I have often stood by friends when I believed them to be in the wrong.  Sometimes it’s better to stick with them so that when they finally do see the wrong, you can also be there to help them get back up and make it right.  Sometimes.

          I am walking away.  I am walking away because it is in my best interest, and believe it or not friends, it is also in your best interest.  I won’t hurt you, and you can’t hurt me.  It’s a win-win.  People need people who whole-heartedly support them and surrounding yourself with people who can’t do that doesn’t do anything but make you weaker.  Be angry if you must, but please remember I am doing this because I love you, twisted though it may seem.

          I will miss you. 

"See the stone set in your eyes.  See the thorn twist in your side.  I wait for you.  Sleight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait.  And I wait without you.  With or without you.  With or without you.  Through the storm we reach the shore.  You give it all, but I want more.  And I’m waiting for you.  With or without you.  With or without you.  I can’t live with or without you.  And you give yourself away.  And you give yourself away.  And you give…  And you give…  And you give yourself away.  My hands are tied.  By body bruised, she’s got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose.  And you give yourself away.  And you give yourself away.  And you give… And you give…  And you give yourself away.  With or without you.  With or without you.  I can’t live with or without you.  With or without you.  With or without you.  I can’t live with or without you.  With or without you."

– U2

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