I kept trying to figure out why I hated debt, but couldn’t seem to live without creating more of it.  And then it hit me.

          THOTM is that I am afraid debt will consume me, rather than me eventually consuming all my debt.  I am afraid that I will spend frivolously, but in my mind, with justification, and before I know it, I am up to my eyeballs in debt.  The phone is turned off.  And then the power is cut for a day or two…  And then the water for another day or two…  They come to get my car…  My home is foreclosed on…  I know it’s a bit of a leap from where we are now – paying every bill on time, in full, and paying more than our monthly minimums on our existing credit accounts, however it must not be too big of a leap because I have seen it happen to more people than I care to admit.

          Even if it’s not credit cards, per say, but just spending money unwisely.  Why pay the phone bill when I can go out with my friends?  Why pay the entire electric bill when I can buy another carton of cigarettes/bottle of Jim Beam?

          Before you say anything…  THOTM is that I am not afraid for me nowI am afraid of what I could become.  I am afraid to start down that slippery slope and do what was done to me.  I can’t imagine ever being able to ask my children to lie for me, but I can only imagine that in the beginning, no one thinks they can do those things…  But those things happen…

          THOTM is that lately, I have been thinking about those things a lot.  The parts I remember, anyway, or even the things I don’t, but that somehow effected the life I live now and I wonder what else is missing…  And I get so angry.  And then I just get sad…  And afraid…  And then the guilt creeps in.  Though I know I was a child when these things occurred, I still feel guilt.  Guilt that I actually did lie, "No, every thing is fine, just fine!"  Guilt that I wasn’t enough reason to quit.  Even I know how dumb that is, but the guilt is there, just the same.  The one thing I blame above all others is the alcohol.  How many things would have been different had he not been an alcoholic?  How much debt could have been avoided without alcohol and the "gatherings" and late nights that revolved around it?  I think about that every time I take a drink, and I know that’s why I’m not an alcoholic.  As much as I like to drink and have a good time with my friends, I also know that half the time, we’re more fun sober, and we actually remember what the hell was so damn funny the next morning.  Nothing wrong with an occasional reprieve from being alcohol-free, but being inebriated every night is not the way I care to go. 

          Long story short, in my mind, debt is linked with alcoholism, silly as it sounds.  And with alcoholism, comes a host of other things I never want my children to see or be exposed to.  To avoid one, I have to eliminate the other.  See? 

          And you thought this blog was all silly stuff.  P’shaw!      

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