I am all jacked up right now.  I am trying very hard to accept that debt is a part of life.  That’s especially true when your family is young, relies on a single income, and has 2 children.  I thought it would be so great to have every debt paid with the exception of our car loan, but really, that’s just not reality.  Even when every credit card was paid off, we didn’t seem to have enough left over for any "extra" stuff.  So now we’re back to using the cards sparingly…

          And I thought I was okay with that, but I’m not.  It drives me crazy that I pay interest on dinner at Red Lobster.  It makes me so crazy that I will actually sit there and figure out exactly how much interest I paid on each pruchase over the months that particular purchase was part of the card’s balance.  Stupid, I know.  It’s the sick, twisted, OCD side of my bipolar manic phases.  I really loathe that part sometimes, truly, I do.

          And then I think about it in terms of the big picture…  We’ve got less than $1,000.00 revolving debt each month with the exception of our car loan…  And our car loan?  Paid on time, not only in full, but with extra to save on the interest.  So why should that little bit bother me?  Seriously, I’m asking you!

          Transfer season is also right around the corner for us and it’s just eating away at me.  I hate not knowing, not being in control of the situation.  If I must relinquish control, at least let me know WTF is going on!  I would, honestly, get over having to move somewhere I wasn’t happy about as long as I knew I was moving there…  After all, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, so why waste the energy fighting? 

          We thought we had a list of locations to choose from, but apparently, that list was not accurate.  I got terribly hopeful when I saw the not-so-accurate list because my first choice was actually available.  This is the part where *The Force whips out the magnifying glass and makes me fry on the anthill, because let’s face it, we all know that my Numero Uno will certainly not be on the list when we actually get to give our input as to where we would like to be spend the next 4 years.

          I really miss…  everyone.  A friend moved about a month and a half ago, and another friend left the state today.  A friend from freaking elementary school is leaving tomorrow, and my bestest buddy that lives closest to me will most likely be leaving in a year for grad school.  Now of course, I wish all my friends the very best of luck and happiness and all that, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel…  Left behind.  I love my life.  I love my kids and my husband and I even love that we work so hard for what we have.  Every now and then, I just think about where we would be if we had waited to have the boys…  And then I remember that we may very well not have been able to have them, and I thank The Force that things worked out the way they did…  I just miss my friends.  I feel very lonely…  Isolated…  And some of that is my bipolar because no one gets it.  They see what it does to me – that it’s sometimes like Jekyll and Hyde, but they don’t see what it does to me.  It eats me alive.  I hate the me I have become.  I hate that things fly out of my mouth before I even realize I’m talking!  I hate that I can’t sleep even though I am exhausted.  I hate that I have thoughts that make me feel like steam-rolled shit, but they just…  come.  I guess you can’t miss something you never had, or I would say I miss being normal.  *guffaw*  All in all, I believe it’s just a down swing brought on by the crushing reality that Skeeter is the last baby I will hold that belongs to me.  While I love watching him and Mega grow, it also breaks my heart.  There is something so magical about a baby, and if I could keep it forever, I would.  And none of my friends get that, either… 

          Hell, I don’t get me half the time, why should I think anyone else could?

*The Force

          What makes you the most upset about moving?