Do you think it is better to attend or not attend church if you’re struggling with your faith?  I don’t just mean that you’re having a hard time, but if you really just can’t (won’t) believe?  I am torn right now because I just can’t shake my image of God – that He is a mean child with a magnifying glass on an anthill.  When Gram died, I was angry with Him and just stopped talking to Him, and now I am just….  indifferent.  Is it blasphemous for me to go to church, knowing I feel that way?  I don’t sit there, silently cursing God, but I feel like a fraud. 

          Is it better for me to go with an open heart and mind, or not go at all?  In all fairness, I will admit that I don’t go 100% open to "the spirit."  I go to church feeling guarded and vulnerable – that I don’t belong because I feel indifferent about the existence of God, and because if there is a God, He will probably strike me down and damn me to Hell for my sins.

        Should I stay (home) or should I go now?  If I go there will be trouble…  But if I stay (home), there could be double…  So, come on and let me know…  should I stay or should I go?

          (I use my twisted sense of humor because if I don’t, things like this will really get to me, and I am torn up right now because a dear friend is moving away and I wish with all my heart that she would/could change her mind, or that I could show her what I see, yadda yadda yadda…  So this is my distraction.)

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