I wish I could say our quest was at rest because we found a birth mother.  We are putting our dreams on hold for now because there are just too many things in our way.  If you know me, you know that I am typically very stubborn and that putting more stumbling blocks before me generally makes me want to succeed even more, and thus, I tuck my head down and just push harder.  In this case, I just can’t do it.  For one thing, we simply don’t have $30,000 – 40,000.00 to pursue an international adoption.  If we could find a birth mother and do a parent-identified, private adoption, we would be more than willing, but that’s rare and we don’t know anyone or even know someone who knows someone who is considering adoption.  Of the many many agencies I contacted regarding infant adoption, 9 out of 10 won’t even consider us because we have biological children.  At this point in my life, I cannot keep finding the energy to pursue something so devastating.


          I am glad that adoption is an option for couples who are infertile or just have no desire to produce biological off-spring.  However, I am glad it is an option for couples like DH and I who just have the need to nurture children – any children!  Why should it be harder for me because I am able to produce biological offspring?  Adoption is not a privilege open only to those who cannot reproduce, or a responsibility assigned only to them.  What makes my ability to care for a child any less than theirs, or their desire for biological offspring any less than mine?  The fact that one can produce children without outside aid and one can’t shouldn’t make a difference.  The cost is daunting enough without limiting prospective parents simply because they have other children.  I hope that no one is taking this the wrong way.  I am not saying that childless couples should be childless forever.  But if a birth mother looks at my family and your family – my family with biological children, and your family without biological children or the ability to produce them, – and she feels more comfortable with my family because of what we believe, etc., why should it matter?

          When I think of adoption, I think about it being one of the most selfless acts a mother can perform.  To take your child from a situation you feel is less than ideal and place them into a life of comfort and happiness has to be one of the hardest decisions to make.  When you say, "Do you want your child to live in poverty or with a family that can provide?" it seems easy, but you’re forgetting that you have to, in most cases, walk away from a creature you nurtured and probably loved for almost a year.  You know you will always have a piece of you walking the world without you.  How hard is that decision to make?  Would you want a mother to feel less than 100% comforted by the choice of family she made for her child? 

          I’m just saying that whether or not we are chosen as adoptive parents should not depend on whether or not we are fertile.  If a birth mother wants to place her child with a childless couple, that’s her choice.  But why should my family not even be an option for her to find based on the agency’s policy, rather than her own wishes?  Do you see what I am saying now?  Did that help clear it up?

          I am really having a hard time accepting that Mega and Skeeter are the last babies that will toddle through my home.  Another pregnancy is just not an option for me at this point because my body seems to be having a hard enough time keeping me afloat, let alone another completely dependent entity.  I know every pregnancy is different, but there is no guarantee this baby would be any easier than the first two, and it’s simply not a risk I am willing to take.  Not only because of my own health, but I think it is selfish to put myself at risk knowing there are already 2 very important people in this world who need me to be at my best every minute of every day.  I would be taking something away from them, and I can’t do that. 

          For now, I am giving it a year.  In a year, we may be buying a house and then we’d have more room for the boys and I would consider foster parenting for infants.  I know that when I want things, I find a way to get them.  And I have wanted this all my life.  I know that call will not be hushed just because it is not convenient or easy.  But I also know that right now, there is not much I can do.  I am picking my battles and walking away from this battle at this moment…  But I have every intention of winning the war.   

          It sounds silly, but as I re-read this, I had an epiphany.  My realization that adoption will not happen any time soon is why I think I need a dog right now.  I feel defeated, so it’s easier for me to deal with if I have something else to take care of…  Even if it has 4 legs and is furry, rather 2 legs and not-so-furry.  🙂