I have this friend.  It is a friend I have known since high school, and that I have remained fairly close to.  She had been dating the man she is now engaged to for a few months before I met or heard about him.  At the time, there were a lot of things going on in both our lives, so it wasn’t weird that I didn’t know about him the day she met him or starting dating him.  The first time I did meet him, I got a bad feeling.  Typically, my intuition sucks when it comes to myself.  I will admit that I don’t tend to see people who are going to hurt me, even when they are staring me in the face and even the most un-intuitive of my friends can see it coming.  However, where others are concerned, my track record is much better.  My misgivings are rarely "I just don’t know you enough to trust you," but it is not perfect.  When I met this guy, I really thought there was more to it than my normal "stranger" anxiety.  I didn’t tell her about my feelings.

          Today she ran into someone who knew how I felt.  This person told her how I felt.  The friend called me and we talked about.  She wanted to know why I didn’t tell her from the jump how I felt.  Should I have?  At the time, my reasoning was simple.  When DH and I got together, most of our friends hated the idea and were not at all afraid to tell us that, especially me.  I kept thinking about how I felt and I didn’t want her to feel the same way.  I knew my intentions and motives were pure when DH and I started dating.  I knew he could see things in me that they couldn’t or wouldn’t.  It was the same with my friend – I know she’s not dumb, that she could see things in this person that I didn’t, that she had spent much more time with him and knew him better than I ever would.  I trusted her judgement, and that was why I kept my mouth shut.  I also figured that the feeling would go away and I didn’t want to upset her for no reason, or start to look for things that weren’t there based on my "feeling" about the man she had chosen.

          After talking to my beloved friend today, we’re still on firm, respectful, good-friendship grounds.  I think she was more hurt by the fact that I didn’t tell her than by the fact that I had misgivings about her then boyfriend.  Now that we’re both out in the open, it’s all good.  She also told me that she and her finacee are attending pre-marital counseling, which was suggested by just about every person they know.  I tend to be of the thought that this is good for just about any couple, so I thought it was great, regardless of my feelings.  Also, after talking to her about why I felt the way I did, she gave me more insight into her relationship.  While she doesn’t have to explain herself to me, or justify anything to me, I think she understood that my feelings were of genuine concern for her and because she also cares for me, she wanted me to feel comfortable.  I was just glad that she felt comfortable enough to talk to me, and while part of me wishes I had just talked to her the same way – in the beginning – I am glad I didn’t.  Like I said, I didn’t want to "taint" her relationship, or make her feel like she had made a poor choice.  I don’t know that things would have been better or otherwise different, but I am still, overall, glad that I made the choice to stay quiet.

          So my question is – where is the line?  When do you talk and when do you keep your mouth shut?

          To my beloved friend – I cannot wait to see you walk down the aisle, blissfully happy, shaking with happy anxiety, tears in your eyes.  I know you will make the right choice, and I wholeheartedly support you.  I love you, girl!    

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