So maybe this is all just a wicked little trick my paranoia is playing on me.  You know, the little voice that creeps back in with my downward spirals.  Anyway, maybe it’s just that voice.  And probably is.  So you should save yourself, and stop reading now. 

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, smart ass.

      

  I am going to ask for a body scan.  I haven’t gone in for my x-rays, but those are only for the lower portion of my spine.  Night sweats, loss of sex drive, (yes, a 23 year old just said that…), facial flushing, increased acne, and high blood pressure are some of the things I have noticed.  My blood pressure never used to get over 100/70.  Every time I am seen now, it’s easily 130/95 or higher.  I am like a furnace when I sleep.  I have to shower every morning now, regardless of the fact that I showered before bed.  My face is always red and has been breaking out like mad, despite the routine in my skin care continuing to be a routine… 

Gram died from renal cancer…  And she had an adrenal tumor…  Which presents with subtle symptoms such as the ones listed above…  Things that can easily be overlooked, or attributed to other things.

So maybe the heart of the matter is that I have a fear of death that I didn’t have before.  Or maybe that I know my depression is, once again, getting the better of me and that I need something more than what I have now…  Some help to get it back in check.  I want to see my children grow up and my depression threatens that.  Who wants to watch their children grow up through plate glass or in an orange jumpsuit?  I’m not yet ready for the men in white coats, but damn if I don’t think about it.

So tumor…  Or severe depression…

  Either sucks, but at least one won’t kill me…  Unless I really do flip completely and do myself in…  Which I would never do.  Because that’s just selfish and messy and silly. 

Tumor(s) or depression… 

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